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Saturday, December 24, 2005

Next Please

When I started work at Next I tried to maintain a positive attitude towards it for as long as possible. Now after 7 weeks I can feel my brain turn to mush and my patience wearing so thin that if someone were to sneeze on it it would topple over. I hate consumers. I hate the way people turn into zombies, especally round this time of year. I don't think these people are stupid but I do think that when they enter the shops they leave their brains and their manners outside the door. I am sick of telling the customer that her card is in the wrong way and it goes in upsidedown from that and them taking it out and turning it back to front. How is a card any different from any other object?? When something needs to be turned upsidedown you do not turn it back to front. I don't know why it annoys me so much. Maybe it's because when it's a man and I tell him he always turns it upside down and I feel that these women are leting the side down. Anyway, I reckonl that if you don't know how to use your switch or visa card to pay then perhaps you shouldn't be using it at all and should just use good old fashioned cash.

Anyway, I am sick of cleaning up after the lazy hoors and I am sick of them asking me, 'What top would you put with that' I don't know I am not a fashion expert for children and it is your child your buying for surely you'd know a lot better than me. I even had one women ask me to find her something for a 2 year old. The women looked exhausted and just couldn't be bothered anymore. I thought it might be a bit rude to point out that she was asking me to find something for her which could take up to half an hour and they need me on the till because there's a queue the size of the river Nile so if she didn't mind being such an incompentent lazy cow and let me get on with my job, which is not as her personal slave. But I smiled and helped her.

And then there's the sales. The shop opens at 5 in the morning and people are already queueing to get in. The assistant manager advised me to watch the training video they have to prepare employees for the sales. She said she watched and even she was surprised so she definitely thought we should watch. I said no thanks it would probably put me off working during the sales. I have heard horror stories about people knocking you out of the way to get the bargains and when you come out of the stockroom to fill out the shelves the customers are grabbing things from your arms. I will seriously yell at anyone who does that to me because I can't stand my personal space being invaded. If they do that I will drop all the clothes on the ground and let the mad bitches scramble on the floor for them and laugh at their sad sad sad lives.

Having said all that, I can't wait for the sales to start. Not in Next but Topshop and HMV. I need new jeans and music and I will claw people's eyes to get them. Nah only joking. I shop responsibly and with brains and manners.

Saturday, December 17, 2005

Sugar Sugar Sugar

It's a beautiful day and the sun is shining. That's what winter should be like. There's even a butterfly by the window. Harry ze Cat keeps trying to murder it but I won't let him. Yesterday I went to the health food shop to get some healthy sweets. This means licorice and sugar free gummy bears. The sugar free gummy bears aren't very nice. The guy that sold me them said they tasted waxy and they do. So much for my attempts at cutting down my sguar content. I also got caramel flavoured sugar free sweets which taste exactly like werther's originals. But while these sweets are good they wouldn't be enough to satisfy my craving for gummy textured sweets. Or chewy sweets.

Anyway, on Thursday night (music night) we had some real musicians. The Sniper and his wee chum from Cork. I'd never met the wee chum who Nelly reckoned bared an uncanny resemblence to Ewan MacGregor but he had a great voice and him and The Sniper played beautifully together. Nelly refused to make her famous pineapple and coconut scones for fear of spoiling the boys too much. Just right too for they would come to expect it and Nelly would never be done baking scones and tarts and pies. And on the subject of making tasty things I have given up trying to make chocolate fudge. I've attempted 3 times and ended up with kendal chocolate fudge cake, chocolate toffee and chocolate fudge sauce but never just chocolate fudge. So i've given up.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

3 Posts in 1 Day

Jamie and my mum have both suggested that I'm lazy about doing my blog. I agree with them. It's because I've been feeling very lethargic recently. I have just about enough energy to get me through the week at work and by the time it's the weekend I'm shattered and just want to sleep the whole time. I've been blaming it on the lack of daylight, working, my diet but today when mum was at work and Bert was out doing errands and getting me sweets, I turned the music up and had a good dance to myself. It made me feel better almost instantly. So that's the problem. I haven't beeen dancing enough.

I danced to Sublime because they're a nice mix of fast and slow. I danced to Beck's new album but not all of it. In fact, I skipped some of his songs altogether. Black Tambourine was the best to dance to. I also danced to Bright Eyes although not every tune is great to dance to so I had some smoking breaks during that. Afterwards I felt rejuvenated and then Bert came back with sweets and chocolate.

IHS: Do You Have It?

I have always been a fan of comics and magazines. When I was younger it was the Beano and Dandy. Our dog Danny and Bert made it into the Beano . I'd sent a photograph of Bert and Danny playing on the beach and totally forget I'd even done it. Months later the next door neighbours knocked on our door to tell us and we went out to the shops to buy about 5 copies of it, all of which are lost now.

As I got older it chnaged to magazines such as Just 17, whih I started reading when I was 13 and stopped when I was 15. I remember flicking through copies of Nellymoms' Marie Claire and Cosmopolitan and thinking they were magazines for 35 year olds butI got into Cosmo just a few years ago and realised there is a lot to be learnt from it.

It was about the same time I got into Cosmo that I started reading magazines like Now and Heat. These are the trashiest magazines ever. Or at least that's what I thought until venturing out in the land of Chat and Take a Break. The reason I started to read these types of magazines is because I had this idea that I would become a professional competition enterer. I read in another magazine about a women who entered 60 competitions a week and was always winning free holidays and washing machines. That sounds like a good job I thought. But I grew bored very quickly and bought the magazines, did the puzzles but never got round to sending them off. Posting things is something I've always had trouble with. I can write a letter or buy a present no problem but when it comes to posting it it can take me months. I don't why.

So I had all these trashy magazines lying around and I couldn't help but read the articles. They sucked me in with their headlines screaming I Hacked My Toyboy Lover into a Thousand Pieces and Fed Him to His Parents. But what really got me about these magazines was the health pages and stories about normal everyday people's battles with rare diseases and such things. It got me thnking about all the unusal ailments out there and all the uusual ailments there could be. Like for example; what if you suffered from a condition where you couldn't eat anything because whatever you ate tasted so bad when you burped it again later that it would make you throw up. What makes me laugh about these things aswell is the names they give for people's ailments. It's always something something syndrome. Like Itchy Head Syndrome (IHS) or Foreign Accent Syndrome (FAS). FAS is actually a real one. I read about a guy having a stroke and he recovered completely except that he spoke with a foreign accent. The great thing is though, when people have had a mystery illness like this for years and it is finally diagnosed (quite often with no known cure for it), people say they are just happy to finally know what's been bothering them. Now if that was me I'd say, 'Right, so I've got Itchy Head Syndrome? And there's no cure for it? I don't believe you. You're just making this up.'

The Winter Blues

I have never been a fan of the winter time. It's dark and cold. I used to be scared of the dark and I have developed a fear of the cold since all those snowy mornings standing waiting for the bus in my school skirt. Winter is not something I live through it is something I survive. Christmas, on the other hand, is something that makes the winter worthwhile. Don't get me wrong, I hate what Christmas has become but every year it arouses all those feelings I had as a child when the phrase o load of commercial bollocks was not a part of my vocabulary.

This year is going to be an especially nice Christmas. We have a new house to celebrate it in and we have the company of both my sisters and their fellas. Unfortunately mine will not be joining us but he will be hear for the New Year. We have an expert chicken roaster and an expert cake baker so the eating should be good. Bt having said all that, roll on the 21st of March when we all lose an hour's sleep but gain an extra hours daylight. Woo Hoo I say. Can't wait. Only four more months to go. Then it is spring and the wee lambs will be bouncing about.

Monday, November 28, 2005

When I'm chatting to my darling Jamie sweet cheeks on the phone there's always something I forget to tell him until it mounts up and there's loads of things I keep meaning to say. Like, when he called into work the day I'd gone home early my work mate Liz saw him. Liz is a middle aged doll with young waynes and she works there part-time. So she asked me if that was my boyfriend in work looking for me last week and I sais 'Aye, poor thing was waiting out there for ages and I was sailing on the bus home' and she says 'He was nice' and I'm thinking she was meaning nice when she said 'Aye, I like the rugged type'. So she meant nice. She said I could tell him that he had middle aged admirers and I told her he'd be chuffed. Bet you are baby.

I also forgot to tell him about me sending out a staff announcement on the intercom saying 'Call on line 2 for ladie's wear' and ending it with 'Thankyou, Bye Bye' I could feel my face burn up almost immediately. But as well as all these things I forget to tell Jamie there are lots of things that I keep meaning to blg about but always forget. Like the incident with Mel, a cup of tea, a ducth shortcake biscuit and a pair of scissors.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Jamie's Wee Visit.

Last week jamie came to visit. He came on Thursday in time for music night. On Friday the poor thing and to wait around Ballymena for hours holding a bunch of flowers for a girl who'd gone home ages ago. We went out to O'Rawes with Lee and Bert and suffered the next day. Gillies on Saturday night where we were treated to a repertoire of music that we practice on our Thursday nights. We wakled back home from the pub on Saturday night. It was a cold and foggy evening but really atmospheric to be walking in the countryside at the dead of night. Jamie cooked delicious pasta and chicken on Monday night and we ate the best wee buns ever. I can't mind what they're called but they were tasty. On tuesday night we left Jamie to the airport and went to visit the wee manny and ate Ovaltines which are not the nicest bun in the world. The ingredients were rather miscellaneous and a bit sickly sweet.

I didn't want Jamie to go back to England 'cause we'd had such a nice time. When he did get back he had to spend the night at Manchester train station. Poor Jamie, always getting stranded.
All I can think of now is wee buns. I wonder should I go down to the shop and get some?
I went to the Ulster bank to see if they would let me withdraw the last remaining 2 pound 30 something from my Natwest account. But no, they couldn't. The only thing they can do is cash cheques if you have a Natwest account, which is useless if you only have a couple of pounds. So to set the record straight, the Ulster bank and Natwest are both useless. And if either banks are keeping you in designer suits then it is only at the expense of less fortunate beings and creatures.

I'm finding it tough maintaing a blog life as well as a full time job. I've rarely worked full time and I remember now that there was a very good reason for this. Having said that though my job is ok and I kow there are a lot worse. But it seems that nearly every job I have done since leavng university, I find myself thinking this job is ok but it's not as good as Student Support. Student support is the kind of job that if you're working with someone you get along with it can be fantastic. If you don't get along with the person then it can be pretty tough. Fortunately for me I'm the kind of person who can get on with most folk and even if I don't I'm very good at pretending. So after a month of working at Next I have remembered that while I would do just about anything for money (just about, I don't think I would be someone's footstool for any amount of money) there are certain types of work that I definitely prefer to do and support work is one of them.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Hurray For McSquirter

When we moved into our new house we still needed the TV ariel put up. The man who did our electrics, Jeemy McSquirter, said he could do our ariel too. The first time he came over he was able to get us channels 1 to 5 picture perfect but the RTE channels were a bit fuzzy. We told him we weren't that bothered about RTE and that we were happy enough with the ariel but McSquirter insisted on getting it 100 per cent perfect. Come 5 O'clock he gave up for the day but said he'd be back the next with a booster. So he came back the next day, and the next and a few other days the following week. When he came he seemed to be here for ages but never succeded in fixing RTE. Spent most of his time gunning and gassing and talking to the dogs. The whole thing had become a joke to me and Nelly and Bert.

Then I came back home from work one day and Bert flicked through all the extra RTE channels and said 'Guess who was here today'

'McSquirter', I said 'But sure look the picture's no better than that first day he was here'

'Aye , I know, he's coming back some other day to try something else with it'

And the next morning as I was watching TV before heading out to work I flicked over to RTE One and thought, McSquirter, My Hero, as there before me was an episode of Neighbours. So ow I can keep up to date with Dr. Karl and Susan's reunion and Joe Mangle getting together with Lyn. And it's all thanks to Jeemy.

Today is my big sister's lover man's birthday and thery're off to Mexico. I forgot to say it to Dave before so, Happy Birthday Dave hope you have a lovely time. Zoe, you will be pleased to here I am keeping up the domestic goddess image. Today I made chocolate fudge which tastes yummy but has a weird texture almost a bit like Kendal mint cake. This was because I made it using evaporated milk rather than condensed. Or maybe I cooked it too high.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

A Rose From God

Last Friday night I went out for a few drinks with my sister Zoe. When I came back home I was carrying a single red rose. Bert wanted to know where it came from.

God gave me it.

Bert wanted to know how God had given me it.

An angel sent it.

So I explained. We had left the pub and were walking up the street when this girl came running after us and gave us each a single red rose. She said it was from God and it was to show us that no matter how much any man says he loves us he doesn't love us as much as God does. Zoe was trying hard to stifle her giggles.

So I was telling Jamie about this and he thought it was nice of God to give us roses. After my second day at work I got home and Bert told me a package had arrived for me. I opened it up and there was another single red rose. Not from God but from Jamie. But he'd outdone God and sent me another wee flower (Bert called it baby's breath) AND............


So you see, this girl was wrong because Jamie must love me more than God does. God didn't send me any chocolates.

Sunday, October 30, 2005

The Joys

It's taken me this long to write about the joys of being back home but everyday I've been here there has been something to put a smile on my face. Living out in the countryside is good for the soul. It makes you remember and appreciate the simple beauty in life. Autumn is a good time to be in the country and there's nothing nicer than walking down the road and seeing the browns and reds and greens of the trees. It is true that it rains a lot in Ireland but it is also true that it can be pissing it down one minute and the next minute the sun is coming out.

Another reason I love bein home is having pets around me. I love taking them for walks and cuddling up to them in front of the T.V. and I even love when Paddy starts a row with me even though he's a rough bugger and would bite the hand aff ye. I love the way Rosie barks at him when he does this and tries to protect me from the evil Paddy. I love the way that two minutes after that Paddy will come over and sit on top of you and lick your face and be the softest wee doggy ever. I love Harry ze cat too the way that if you refuse to feed him for the 4oth time he'll come and lie on top of you no matter what you're trying to do.

I also love the fact that I get to see more of Nellymoms and Zoe and Bert. Zoe is trying to make a lady out of me and teach me to bake buns. She also encourages me with my photography and provides me with her posh digital so I can take pictures with ease. She has made me realise that a digital camera is necessary if you want to do photography because SLRs aren't always practical. I tried hard to resist the temptations of technology but it always gets me in the end.

Thursday nights are music night and Bert's chums come round with their geetars and mandolins and banjoes. I join in with my geetar and it's good practise for me. I also get severe fits of the giggles though when it's not going so right and then that puts me off completely and I can't play. Anyway, I salute these guys because they all pcked up their instruments only a few yaers ago and for some even less and they've come along great. Better than me who's been playing for longer.

Sometimes I get a wee pang for Stoke.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Evil Natwest

I hate Natwest. They are cruel to animals. But they are also cruel to me. I joined up with Natwest for very naive reasons. When I went to uni in England I realised I would need to open a new bank account for my student loan to go into. I looked around me and Natwest had a familiar logo: that of the Ulster Bank. I've heard they are bastards too but I was 18 at the time and knew nothing about banks. All I knew was the Natwest had the same symbol as the Ulster Bank and that somehow connected me to home so that's the bank I chose.

I had no problems with them my whole 3 years at uni and anytime I ever asked for an extension on my overdaft they always obliged. I couldn't grumble really. Then came the time in my life where I thought I should have a credit card. Why? Because everybody else had one. Oh, and because I'd booked a holiday to Amsterdam with my mate and had no money for it. As it happened I didn't even get my credit card until after I came back and Dad had to lend me the money to go (thanks Dad). So when I'd ran up a sufficient bill the card was lost. A blessing in disguise I think. I then cancelled the card, refused another one and set about paying it all back like a good consumer. This has been going well for me up until now.

They keep charging me for not making payments when I have no means of making a payment. I have no money in my bank account so can't pay by debit card. I can't put cash into my account because there are no Natwest banks here. I have no cheque book. I told the lady this and she asked if there was anyone in England who could put money into my account or some family member that could pay on their debit card on my behalf. Well, yes i do but what makes her think that it's ok to inconvenience other people when it's between me and Natwest. So I told her I didn't. She told me there was nothing she could do and I was being charged for late payment anyway. I hated her. I hate Natwest. I'm changing to the Halifax.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Back on Track

I start working as a sales assistant in Next pretty soon so I'm making the most of bing unemployed. On Sunday I went to see my sister and we made Seventeens. They should be called Fifteens because you need 15 of each of the ingredients you use to make them. We had 17 cherries and digestive biscuits so we made Seventeens. While we were waiting for them to cook, which involves leaving them in the fridge for a few hours, we took a walk to the People's Park and took a few pictures. It was Zoe's idea to call in at the Grouse on the way back to her's cuase she needed the toilet but as we were there we thought we may as well have a wee drink too. Yesterday I went to sign on then met a friend in the pub. I got a lift home with his dad who used to be a teacher at my secondary school.

Today I took Rosie dog for a walk along the river. It was a beautiful sunny day and I was cursing myself for not bringing my camera but I guess the river ain't going anywhere. It didn't stay a beautiful sunny day anyway and before long the rain was falling and there was even a bit of thunder, which poor Rosie dog hates.

Well, I think the thing i'm gonna miss about not working is watching Neighbours. I haven't missed an episode for weeks and it's been an eventful couple of weeks in Ramsay St. There was a bit of a reunion and a lot of old faces turning up, the best one being Joe Mangle who looks like he's staying for a bit. But most importantly. The evil Izzy has been well and truly found out and Karl Kennedy is now free to woo Susan back. Yay!

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Tayto and Traybakes

My lovely big sister Zoe has let me use her computer to update. We've been cooking buns and taking photos round Ballymena. You can see how lovely my home town is if you click on my flickr. You will also see a selection of local 'delicacies' that Norn Iron has to offer. When I was taking the photo of Tayto cheese and onion crisps in Tesco a wee girl asked me why I was taking pictures of crisps. I told her because I wanted to. I didn't think she would understand if I told her I was taking photos of local produce to put on my blog so folk over in England could see all the lovely food and buns we have.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

The Big Move

It's been a while. All the moving and everything has made it difficult to keep up to date. For me it's not just been one move but two moves. And even now I won't have time to write about everything that I want to, like the new doggy dynamics, the '7 things' that Ganching has tagged me to do, the updating of my flickr account, the crazy dreams about Jack from Lost. It can wait. For now there is still so much to do and Nellymoms is waiting for me.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005


I've only just noticed the last post ended rather abruptly. Think it was a technical hitch. Or maybe it's the curse of Flash and not only is it difficult to get to but difficult to write about as well. Yesterday I was met by Gravy Dave in Leek for a lovely surprise. The surprise was waiting for me at the pub, in the form of some very good friends who I thought I wouldn't see before I went. Salt Face also had a surprise for me. A beautiful necklace. He says I am the hardest girl in the world to buy jewellery for, which is true.

This morning I woke up and thought that I better check that I had my passport as I have become renowned for losing it abroad, leaving it behind and generally not having it when I need to fly anywhere. And of course, nowhere to be seen. Then I remebered having seen a passport lying on Salt Face's bedroom floor and ignoring it 'cos I didn't think it was mine. But it was mine. So it was Dad to the rescue, as it always is when I have a passport disaster. Although if i hadn't left my passport there I wouldn't have got to say goodbye to Peggy Pooh Face the jack russell chihuahua dog. Thank goodness I have my own dogs to go home to. Even if they are horrible scunging devil dogs I love them to bits.

Monday, September 26, 2005

Going to Flash

It was the Derry Man's birthday on Friday so the plan was to meet at Miss C's house for cake and drinks and then go to town in the evening. As I'd been out the night before and got horribly drunk, I didn't arrive until everyone else had gone into town. So apologies to Miss C for missing out on her amazing cheese cake. There were a few special people who couldn't be there and were missed but a very pleasant evening was had by all.

On Saturday dad took me and Salt Face and the Lovely L to Flash. Flash is the highest village in England and it lies in between Leek and Buxton. Because of where the village is situated, high up and isolated, it became notorious for illicit practices such as cock fighting and counterfeiting. I imagined it to be like Royston Vasey in The League of Gentlemen and wondered if we went up there would we ever return.

The trip to Flash is something I've been trying to do all summer. It was my mum who first told me about it and when I found out how close I was to it I thought it would be nice to drink a pint in the highest village in England. I told my friends and for a few weekends in a row they would come meet me in Leek and we'd try to organise taxi's for us all. Except I could never get a taxi. So each time we'd resort to a plan B. On Saturday we finaly got a taxi organised so me and Salt Face sent them all off to Flash telling them that we'd meet them up there with my dad and the Lovely L.

When we arrived they were nowhere to be seen. We took a drive through the village and down the hill where the view was spectacular. We turned and drove back to the village, parked up the car and went into the pub where we thought they'd be waiting for us. But they weren't in there either. We'd ordered drinks and were wondering what happened to them when the Lovely L suggested that maybe they were at the Traveller's Inn just ten minutes up the road. So me and Salt Face set off to the pub up the road and sure enough they were all sitting there wondering what had happened to us. The taxi driver had just assumed they'd want to go to that pub and as they'd never been to Flash before they thought they didn't know it was t

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Finally!! It's taken me ages to sign in. Could this be blogger telling me something?? Anyway, rather than prattling on about nothing in particular I've decided to share the wonderful words of Psychedelic Lee. It is as yet untitled but I think it's from a collection which he calls Fragments of Life.

Grief overwhelms the writer when he sits down to write about what is meaningful to his living present, for he can only ever write about the past and, even then, only by avoiding what really matters. He provides the reader with a few clues whereby they can fill in the gaps and feel, if not understand, what really mattered. So instead songs are written, which are always about the present, that will never be heard by those who matter, even if listened to. But even songs move into the past and lose their meaning, or rather what they mean changes, as what is lost is necessarily replaced with something different, a happy forgetfulness. Only then can the writer sit down and write, and leave the reader to decide what matters, and as long as it retains ambiguity the text can forever live and capture a fragment of life.

Now, if you feel slightly confused after reading this the reason is most probably because it was written at 4 O'Clock in the morning after much rum and whiskey. But also, if you feel slightly confused after reading this, then I think it's purpose has been served. For anyone who is interested in Philosophy, I'll be putting a link to more of Psychedelic's writing very soon.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Acoustic Neat

Last night I went to acoustic night at the Talbot. Since being unemployed I have had plenty of spare time to practise on my geetar. So, thought I, I shall do a wee number at acoustic night. I put my name down on the list and drank JD and cokes until it was my turn. The tune I was thinking of doing is a Bright Eyes song called The First Day of My Life. But unfortunately nerves got the better of me and I forgot the chords and the words so I couldn't even bluff it. I had to completely abandon that one and move swiftly onto the next, which was Trenchtown Rock, originally by Bob Marley but I was doing the Sublime version. This didn't go as smoothly as planned either but at least I remembered the chords and words. I wish I was 17 again. I didn't care then about forgetting words and not being very good.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Farewell Stoke

'Tis only a week and a few days before I go back to Ireland. I've been thinking about the things I am looking forward to. Top of the list has to be seeing my family, this includes the dogs and cat. I am especially looking forward to the new arrivals (if the rumours are true!). I am looking forward to being independent again, when I'm working and have my own flat. I am looking forward to all the wonderful people I've met in Stoke coming to visit me in Belfast. I am also looking forward to spending some time in the countryside before hitting the big city, and Nellybert's new house.

But of course, thinking of all the things I am looking forward to inevitably leads me to think about all the things I'm gonna miss. I'll miss my friends a lot. They are the ones who make Stoke a nice place to live. I'm gonna miss Gravy Dave and his weird bus station obsession. I'm gonna miss AC and her ability to outdrink near enough everyone she knows. I'm gonna miss accoustic night at the Talbot although I won't miss Dog Ruff's songs. But most importantly, I'm gonna miss my big handsome Man Beast. I'll miss him making me coffee in the morning and bringing me sweets back from the shop. I'll miss him loads but hopefully he will be joining me in March next year.

So the next week involves catching up with people and doing nice things. Dad has promised to take me to Flash (the highest village in England) and there is the new playground in Hanley Park that I haven't tested out yet. And of course, packing.

Friday, September 16, 2005

Words of Advice for Young People

I've never read any of William S. Burroughs' books but I've come across a few different versions of one particular recording and I can't help but laugh at it. It's called 'Words of Advice for Young People' Here's my take on it:

I am sometimes asked if I have any words of advice for young people. Well, here are a few simple admonitions for young and old, man and beast.

Never interfere in a boy and girl fight.

This is true, if you are a man who wants to play the hero and thinks he is 'rescuing' the poor damsel in distress. If you've got a headache because it's been a tough day, and said boy and girl are screaming at each other like psychos, then fair play to ye.

Beware of whores who say they don't want money. The hell they don't. What they mean is that they want *more* money; much more, these are the most expensive whores what can be got.


I'm pretty sure Burroughs is talking about prostitutes here but my take on it is, beware of anyone who says they don't want something. If they really didn't want it they wouldn't need to say they didn't want it.

If, after having been exposed to someone's presence, you feel as if you've lost a quart of plasma, avoid that presence. You need it like you need pernicious anemia.

We don't like to hear the word "vampire" around here; we're trying to improve our public image. Building a kindly, avuncular, benevolent image; "interdependence" is the keyword -- "enlightened interdependence".

Life in all its rich variety, take a little, leave a little. However, by the inexorable logistics of the vampiric process they always take more than they leave -- and why, indeed, should they take any?

I agree with this completely. But unfortunately we don't always have a choice in the matter. We are exposed to all kinds of unsavory types, at work, down the pub, and sometimes even in our own homes. The best thing to do is vent all your frustrations at having to deal with these people, to anyone who will listen, and thus become the "vampire".

Avoid fuck-ups. Fools, I call them. You all know the type -- no matter how good it sounds, everything they have anything to do with turns into a disaster. Trouble for themselves and everyone connected with them. A fool is bad news, and it rubs off -- don't let it rub off on you.

Very true, bad qualities do rub off on people. And dealing with disasters created by other people is always ten times more annoying than dealing with disasters created by yourself.

Do not proffer sympathy to the mentally ill; it is a bottomless pit. Tell them firmly, "I am not paid to listen to this drivel -- you are a terminal fool!" Otherwise, they make you as crazy as they are.

Also very true. If you listen to crazy people too much they do start to make you crazy.

Above all, avoid confirmed criminals. They are a special malignant strain of fool.

I'd agree with this if I had more faith in the criminal justice system, but I don't. And considering William S. Burroughs accidentally shot and killed his wife trying to re-enact the William Tell 'shooting an apple on someone’s head' routine while high on heroin and getting off with it on the grounds that he pleaded insanity, I think my lack of faith is totally understandable

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Our First Date

When we first got together my boyfriend told me that he would take me on a date to the Monkey Park. I waited two and a half years for that date. I had to wait for them to actually build a monkey park! And luckily they built it just down the road from us at Trentham Gardens. I forget what breed of monkey's they have there but the little guy on the left is one of their specimens. Just after this picture was taking the little fella nearly took off with my camera bag.

What Cruel Mums Do To Their Kids

Take six little kids, two bored mums and what do you get? You get cruelty to children. Only one of the kids in that picture looks happy and I reckon she's putting it on. Oh, and there are four girls and two boys in this picture but I bet you can't tell for sure which is which. I only know because I'm one of them.

Well Done Man Beast

Congratulations to Man Beast who found out today that he got a 2:1 in his degree. Bet his momma's proud of him. I am too. Well done baby you did good.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Who Is the Fairest of Them All?

I just can't decide which of these two fellows is the most handsome. I think I might prefer the one on the right though I'm not sure why.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

The Palace of Heavenly Pleasure

I will be moving back to Ireland in about a weeks time. For sure. People who know me will be dubious as I was saying this a couple of months ago. I even had a leaving party and got my friends to come from all over. It was a lovely party. Then I decided to stay in Stoke after all. But after two more months here I know I definitely want to leave. Belfast seems a good place to move to. I will be closer to my family and I can catch up with old friends I haven't been in touch with since going to university. Ireland is my home and although I couldn't wait to leave it when I was 18 I now miss it dearly.

Of course I will miss this place too. Stoke has a definite charm. The house I live in at the minute is my Dad's parents house. It's the house where I spent all my summer holidays since the age of nought. So although Ireland is my home, this house is the only house that remains from my childhood. Sometimes when I walk through the door it smells just like it did when I was a child. There is no other smell that brings me back to my childhood so vividly.

So this leads on to why I have named my blog 'The Palace of Heavenly Pleasure'. At my leaving party I was given a gift by a beautiful, sweet Polish lass (you know who you are). It was a book by Adam Williams, titled 'The Palace of Heavenly Pleasure'. My friend told me that she read this book in Polish and it was the most amazing thing she has ever read so when she saw it English she had to buy it for me. I love to read so it was a good present. I read the title and I thought it sounded lovely. In my drunken state I thought it might be a book that would show me how to get to the Palace of Heavenly Pleasure. Having read it now I'm not sure I want to go there. The Palace of Heavenly Pleasure (and now it seems so painfully obvious) is actually a brothel. But Hey! We all have to name our blog after something and at least it's better than 'Hannah's Blog'

Friday, September 09, 2005

Happy Birthday Moms

Today is my mum's birthday so I'm wishing her a very happy one. Unfortunately I haven't figured out how to post pictures yet so, even though I've been trying really hard. Blogger is a complete liar when it says it's dead easy to use. They don't account for complete technophobes like myself. But my mum is now a blogger expert, and although I can't be there for her birthday I will be with her soon and she can pass all the blogger wisdom down to me. And if you want to find out if she's having a nice birthday you can click on the Nelly's Garden link, just to the right.

Yeah! I've done it. Ok I guess it was pretty easy after all. The doll in the background is my big sister. So anyway, once again mum,


Thursday, September 08, 2005

Man Beast and Dog Beast

Like most couples, my boyfriend and I have various nick-names for each other. So if I'm ever chatting about Man Beast, I'm referring to my boy. It's not that he's a beast (well, sometimes he is) it's just that he has hair like a lion's mane. And I suppose when I think about it, he's the most manly man I have ever been with. Not like the effeminate, smooth-faced pretty boys I normally go out with. So he's my Man Beast. And I'm his Dog Beast.

But his current pet name for me at the minute is Face Face. This is an escalation from Salt Face and Pepper Head. He likes salt and I like pepper. We were calling each other all kinds of things like Pineapple Face, Elephant Eyes, Toenail Face, Turnip Head. Until one day MB called me Face Face. And that one stuck. And I am so bored of it now I want a new nick-name.
I have asked him kindly but still he calls me Face Face. And sometimes Face Off. Neither are romantic in the slightest.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005


Yesterday I decided I was going to move to Belfast. It took half an hour before I began to wonder if I had made the right decision. What is with that!? Half an hour of being sure of myself and then doubt. So if I'm doubting moving to Belfast it makes sense that I stay in Stoke? But no, I doubt that too. Goddammit why can't I be sure of anything? And then I realise, this is life.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Bears in the Woods

It's a beautiful day! I've got to go to Keele University to see a man about a job and there's some pretty woods up there so I might take a nice walk amongst the trees. It might inspire me to write something half decent. Or I might get eaten by bears. Either way, it'll be better than being cooped up all day.

Monday, September 05, 2005

What I Did Today

Well, job hunting was a bit of a washout really. The first shop I saw with a vacancy advertised outside, I went in and enquired about it. The lady told me that she was still waiting for the application forms but I always assume the worst and reckoned that she didn't like the look of me and didn't want to give me a job. I guess I can convince myself this is true because it was a health food shop I went into and I don't exactly look the picture of health. Maybe she thought I would be bad advertising. Anyway, this disheartened me so I met up with Gravy Dave instead and just moaned to him about how crap it is not having a job. I don't really do myself any favours. On the upside though, I got a phonecall from an agency and I've got an interview on Wednesday, so hopefully I won't be job hunting for much longer.

Job Hunting

I'm looking for a job today. I don't want to be but I have to. I don't mind working but I hate doing bad jobs and that's all that's on offer at the minute. My big hairy man-beast boyfreind is considering getting a job as Santa Claus this Christmas. If he was Santa I might even consider being Santa's little Helper again this year but y'know, it's a harder job than it seems. Parents are not real human beings around that time of year, they are like zombie robots. I guess it's how they deal with it all, the kid's whinging and wanting evrything. Anyway, I'm disgusted with myself. It's only September and I'M already talking about Christmas. The shops haven't even started yet.

Sunday, September 04, 2005

This is me new blog

Well, here I go. I was encouraged to start up my own blog a few months back and so here I am. Feels kinda strange writing to no one in particular but it helps that you can, to some extent, remain anonymous in cyber world.

I have a feeling that my blog will be very slow to start. I want to post pictures but don't have the technology or even the technological know how to do so yet. It may be a while before I'm able to do this.

Right then, that's my first post finished. I really had better get good at this cos otherwise it's more like a chore than a pleasure.