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Thursday, July 31, 2008

What Kind Of Musical Instrument Should I Play

You Should Play the Saxophone

You are charismatic, friendly, and very uninhibited.

You have a lot of personal expression to bring your music.

Improvisational and informal, you can't deal with an instrument that has too many rules or complexities.

You are much more interested in creating unique solos than immersing yourself in music theory.

You have a lot of style, and you definitely are one smooth operator.

And while you may not play perfectly, no one's going to accuse you of being boring.

Your dominant personality characteristic: being very outgoing

Your secondary personality characteristic: your flair for the unique and dramatic

It's a good job I've got one!!

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

I Want An Extraction Please


One word: Toothache.

I have a tooth (I say tooth but there's more filling than tooth there now) that's been hassling me for years. We had a massive falling out in 2002 and since then I've wanted it gone. Everytime I go to the dentist I plead with them to extract it (extraction - such a lovely word) but they always seem to think they can fix it. The last dentist to attempt this admitted it was a tricky tooth to fill but she was always much more interested in what she was having for dinner.

I don't actually mind the dentist too much. You have sore teeth and they fix them. My dentist in Ballymena gives me gas and air. Gas and air's ace. You don't care that there's someone poking about your mouth and hoovering the slabbers away. You find it hilariously funny when the dentist starts talking about buccals and fissures and you come away from the whole experience mellow and chilled and with teeth that no longer hurt. Yaay!

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Love's Young Dream

Originally uploaded by NellyMoser
Bert and Mum have been together for 22 years. I was 4 when they first started dating. My most vivid memory of Bert back then was him punching a hole in the bedroom wall when he had the misfortune of babysitting me. I must have been a complete, total brat (anyone who knows me well will vouch for this) as it takes a LOT to piss Bertie Boy off to the point where walls suffer.

Anyway, despite many more tantrums like that, having to share a house with 4 screaming, fighting women from Hell and years of having the Pee taken out of him, Bert is still around, and not only that, is going to make an honest woman out of me ma.

At first the idea of Bert and Mum getting married made me laugh out loud. Then when I came round to the idea I suggested to them that this could be THE party of the century. People would come flocking from all over the world to hear Bert and Nelly say 'I do'. But, sadly, they did not share the same enthusiam.

So a quiet affair has been arranged and I am the ring bearer (now are you really sure about that mum for I haven't had a good track record with rings just lately? - Perhaps there would be a safer job for me... like just being there).

Anyway, I must be getting excited because I've even ordered myself new jeans just for the occasion. And so while there is excitement in the air I'd like to take this opportunity to congratulate Mr. Orr and Mrs Nearly Orr and hope that their 'big day' is everything they hope for.

Now I have to go and wipe the cheese from my brow.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008


The time has come! I'm 26 now, a big girl, some would even call me an adult and so it's about time I had a computer of my very own. I'll call her Roxy. She'll connect me with The Universe and I'll clutter her hard drive with toot.

I need some help though. I know nothing about computers. I don't know what makes are good or what kind of prices I should pay. All I know is I want a laptop. All I need a computer for is internet, music and photos so I don't need anything too posh. If anyone has any ideas please advise.

'Cause, y'see, if I have a computer I can watch things that make me laugh, such as this Black Books clip, which shows Bernard at his absolute finest. The 'Tower Of Soup' always makes me smile.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Tatyo Cheese and What?

The Best Crisps
Originally uploaded by hootchinhannah
Here in Ireland we are very fond of our Tayto crisps. Everyone I know that has visited from England has gone back home armed with packs upon packs of Tayto Onion Rings. When I put this picture up on flickr it aroused feelings of nostalgia for many irish folk who no longer live here.

What makes Tayto crisps so good? Well, we could never know because that would involve learning what the secret ingredient is and that's a secret.

But if you were eager to find out more about Tayto (I say eager, what I mean is deranged), you could always book yourself in for a factory tour. Oh yes, come to Northern Ireland where you can visit the Giant's Causeway, cross the ropebridge, drink Bushmills....and visit Mr. Tayto who smells awfully like cheese and onion...hmmm. By the way, the secret ingredient is obviously crack cocaine. There's a dude from up the Doury Rd. does Mr. Tayto a good deal.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Rock Off With Satan

How can you not love these guys? Tenacious D in The Pick Of Destiny. What else ya gonna do when you come face to face with the Divil himsel' but have a Rock Off.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Gravy Dave Grooving At The Grouse

I'm literally having to squeeze this post out of my ass. I'm suffering from Blogger Constipation. Gravy Dave was in town on Friday so I treated him to the wonders of Ballymena on the 11th night. This involved getting drunk at O'Rawes then heading to the Grouse to join the 5 other people on the disco dancefloor. After 2o minutes of bumping and grinding with a wasted 40 year old we decided that was enough of that and headed up to Jakers (with Kerm Dog, Chemical Del and the 5 other people from the Grouse). We picked up a few other strays along the way and spent the night partying.

I think Gravy Dave had a pleasant enough time. As long as beer is involved he's generally pretty happy. I love easily pleased people. Gravy Dave gets excited about waiting at bus stations so he's my kind of guy (as this means I don't have to feel guilty when I've left him waiting ages because I was playing with the dogs). I can't say I remember a whole lot about Friday night but I do remember sitting beside this guy, let's call him Rodrick 'cos I can't remember his name. When I sat down he said

Alright Miss Bowyer?

I replied,

How do you know my surname?

He said,

I know everything Hannah Clare Bowyer.

I said,

Woah! Seriously how do you know my name, who do you know?

Then he smiled and said,

Fifteen eighty two.

I said,

Nah, swear to God, how do you know my birthday as well?

He just laughed and said,

You left your passport sitting there.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

A Prince Albert For Jack

When you work with lorry drivers you talk to them at your own peril. Innocent things can be turned into filth. Everything you say can be misconstrued. This leads to face reddening situations. For example:

While having a conversation about devices that remove staples (staple removers) you should not say They're only good if you have a big thick one and you can pull it out.

This will only be met with roars of laughter and severe ridiculing about pulling big thick ones out.

It is also not a good idea to tell your work colleagues about a dirty looking fella who was in last week holding a big tool. If you don't know the name of the tool he's holding you should say nothing.

When accepting a lift from one of the drivers be prepared for him to answer a call from The Boss on his mobile screaming: Would ye get a away from me! Get away! That's the last time I give that wee girl a lift home, she won't keep her hands off me!

It's like being back in the playground but it is funny when The Boss shouts out: Hannah do ye know what a Prince Albert is?

I do aye.

Tell Jack what it is, he disnae know what a Prince Albert is.

So I explained to Jack what a Prince Albert is. He is so enlightened he's thinking of getting one.

Monday, July 07, 2008

Oul' Pearlie Blue

When it comes to Bert's mum Pearlie I normally have the patience of a saint but she is possibly one of the most negative people I have ever known. The other night she couldn't eat the spud I made her. She was too full. As well as that the spud wisnae very nice. When I told her I hadn't really learnt how to cook potatoes yet she told me it was cooked fine but still, it wisnae very nice. And not only that, it was a wee bit cold too.

Most folk try their best to hide signs of discontent. Not Pearlie. She positively embraces negativity. Nothing is ever right. You could move mountains for her and she's say you moved it in the wrong direction. You could hand her a check for a million pounds and she'd say That's great but I weeshed ye'd have written it in blue ink. You could show her the cutest most adorable puppy/baby/kitten and she'd say I dinnae like it, it looks like a wee frog! She doesn't get called Pearlie Blue for nothing.