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Thursday, August 28, 2008

Yes, It Really Happened

I was always reluctant to dress like a girl. I wore trousers for my first 2 years at school because I downright refused to wear a skirt. They managed to get me in one for my First Holy Communion but when I was confirmed I was the only lass wearing trousers. I know many men who have worn a dress more recently than I have!

It's not everyday you get to see yer ma getting married though, so after much deliberation, I ended up wearing a dress. For an hour. And it was long enough. Here is the photographic evidence for people who don't believe it actually happened or for those of you intrigued by what I might look like as a woman. It's unlikely that mum will ever get married again so, therefore, unlikely that I'll ever be seen wearing a dress again.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Bert Sets The Alarm

I was chatting to The Wee Manny on the phone tonight. He wanted to talk to Bert who'd just waslked in the door in a fluster, rushing to put the green things on for dinner. I told The Wee Manny he was in a bit of a fluster.

Y'see that's married life, it's changed him, says the Wee Manny.

It's only been a week, I said.

Aye, but I can tell within a week, I know him, says The Wee Manny.

Well I have noticed he's a wee bit more domesticated since he's been married, says I.

That's why he's flustered, says The Wise Old Wee Manny.

Bert's been looking after Clint's beasts while he's been away at some tractor show in Yorkshire. Between looking after them, his mum, dealing with the potato blight and cooking McFalls Balls and green things for dinner it's hardly surprising he's flustered. His cousin Margaret said to him, at eight o'clock tonight before he was rushing out the door, Bertie, there's an alarm going off upstairs. It was his alarm clock and he said Oh, so that's why it didn't go off at eight this morning. Margaret replied, That's a likely Bert excuse if ever I heard one!

Poor Wacko

I had completely forgotten about the Brit Awards when Jarvis Cocker got up on stage with Wacko Jacko and waved his ass at him. Classic moment in T.V. and music history if you ask me. Made a hero out of Jarvis. The clip of him actually doing it was taking ages to upload on You Tube but I found this little gem instead.

Of course I'm on Jarvis' side. Always thought M.J. was just a little too crazy but I do love his press statement where he says he feels sickened, saddened, shocked, upset, cheated and angry. Most people would sum that up as being pissed off. I also like that he claims to respect them as artists. Can't really see Michael moonwalkin' to Common People but ye never know.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Time For Bed

Since getting free internet browsing on my mobile I have become addicted to downloading theme tune midis for my ringtones. It's a terrible affliction that stemmed from having the I Dream Of Jeannie theme song in my head. I have trawled through lists of TV and movie themes, downloaded dozens, deleted a fair few, 'cos they were shite, but one that remains is The Magic Roundabout theme. I want it to be my alarm in the morning.

As always one thought leads to another and I was reminded of Bill Bailey's take on The Magic Roundabout. Maybe you have to have a certain sense of humour to appreciate it but I think it's hilarious. Bill Bailey is right, The Magic Roundabout is sinister. Maybe it's not the bst thing to wake up to in the morning.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

I Do Though Don't I Though

wedding 020
Originally uploaded by NellyMoser
Here's the evidence. Nelly and Bert got married. Bert looks very stoical but he's not. This is his happy face. Mum has lovely rosy cheeks. These cheeks got rosier as the night went on. She was a proper blushing bride although not because she was embarrassed but because of the vast quanitites of champagne she consumed.

We all knew it wasn't going to be a traditional wedding but mum did have the something old (second-hand clutch bag), something new (shoes), something borrowed (Pearl necklace from Pearlie) and something blue (her dress). The only other tradition they kept was Bert carrying mum over the threshold. Except that the only way he thought he'd be able to do it was by giving her a piggyback (Bert had also consumed vast quantites of champagne by this stage). This of course resulted in Mum falling down.

The bits in between mum and Bert saying 'I do' and mum falling down involved eating delicious food, drinking and generally enjoying the merriment. The youngest Miss Banjo did a class speech, followed by me saying a few words on behalf of the folk that couldn't be there and then the Wee Manny rather impressivley stood up and and rattled out a speech from the top of his head. And who better to do it than the man that introduced them?

It was a lovely day and although many people were missed and thought of, the small crowd made it much more intimate and special for mum and Bert. I still reckon they should've had the party of the century but it's only 2 months 'til Hallow'een. Yeeeoooww!

Friday, August 15, 2008

Problem Solved

Ed the Duck
Originally uploaded by hootchinhannah
Although Nelly is perfectly happy with my choice to wear jeans for her wedding it seems there are quite a few people (mostly men) who feel that I should be making an effort to doll myself up. One of the driver's at work said I'd look like a gypsy turning up in jeans and when we looked back at the wedding photos people would comment on the hobo who was just passing by and decided to join in with the celebrations.

Well, to save my head being turned with frocks and jeans I've decided that I'm going to wear a romper suit like the one I had when I was 1. I may also get my hair bleached and cut into an Ed the Duck mohawk but I'll see how I feel tomorrow.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Frock Shock

There was me thinking that I was well organised for Moms' wedding. I should have known better. If I try to be organised it backfires and I end up having to do things at the last minute anyway. The jeans I ordered were no good and I didn't return them in time to get different ones (damn that posting parcels phobia of mine!).

I was in the town on Saturday with big sis Zoe and my cousin (the surly one) and I stupidly made a joke about wearing a frock to the wedding. I only tried on 2 dresses but it seemed like I had to change clothes a million times. No matter how hard Trinny and Susannah tried they failed to convince me that wearing a dress was a good idea. They were both very sweet, patient and encouraging and I was a total brat who stomped my foot down and cried But I just want to wear jeans!

So now I have to go wedding outfit shopping the Saturday before the wedding. But it still won't be as horrendous as getting an outfit for Auntie D's wedding when a friend offered her services as personal shopper, got pissed off with me turning my nose up at everything until she eventually bullied me into buying a top I didn't even want. She then took it upon herself to buy me a pair of shoes that I hadn't even seen and expected me to go fetch them off her the same day I was getting my flight! That was the flight I never actually made because I was being violently ill all over Liverpool airport. So however stressful it is getting kitted out it couldn't possibly be as bad as that. Although perhaps I shouldn't jinx things.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Don't Fear The Reaper

When I was younger I was one of those children that was feared of everything. I was scared of the dark, bears in the woods, being put in a children's home, the squashy tomato-faced man living in the attic. I would hover above the toilet for fear a hand would reach up and grab me and pull me down to the sewers. We had this dresser in our bedroom with mirrors that folded over so you could check the back of your hair. It terrified me because when you looked into it you could see your reflection multiplied by a hundred and I was always sure that one of those Hannah's was going to give me a cheeky wink or do something that I didn't do.

Life can be a scary place when you're young and fear is something I now rarely experience. The racing, beating heart, cold, sweaty palms, the feeling that your insides are going to crawl up you gullet and come spitting out your mouth. The last time I felt like this it had very little to do with unearthly creatures and a lot to do with Thai immigration.

This is why I am already excited about Halloween. I've decided on behalf of Nelly and Bert that we will be having a full-on fancydress halloween party (I'll finally get to be a lion Danny Boy!) Zoe and I will create an array of tasty halloween themed treats and there will be a magical mystery ghost tour (um...Mels, fancy being a ghost for a night? I'll pay you in people's souls). Perhaps even the Squashy tomato-faced man will make an appearance. Yaaay!! I can't wait!

Saturday, August 02, 2008

Bleeding Gums Bowyer

I went to the dentist on Thursday morning as the tooth wasn't getting any better and my face had swollen up. She told me it was an abcess and asked if I wanted it pulled out right there and then. Yes! The feud was finally going to be over between me and this wretched tooth. And I was going to win! No gas and air though. I had to brave it with injections and keeping my eyes shut and pretending that she was not wrenching this massive lump of tooth and metal from my mouth (you just can't help but feel a bit violated though). And she kept lying and saying it was nearly over.

After this I called in at Trevor Keyes music shop and walked out with a brand new alto saxophone. My new baby. She is shiny, dinky and I have white gloves to play her with (but I won't). Unfortunately, because of the tooty mouth, I couldn't play her and Bert got to christen it. I might go to San Franciso and do a bit of busking. Considering the dodgy state of my teeth I could go by the name of Bleeding Gums Bowyer. Get myself a wee dog and busk my way down to Mexico. can do anything when you've got a new saxophone.