Monday, November 23, 2015

Another Orange Ball

I got out of class a bit earlier than usual tonight. Silver linings all over the place! Ziggy is also home with me cause he got babysat by Jakers instead of his granny. I bought Ziggy a new orange ball. He's had two before that got lost. This one is extra special. It has strobe lighting that works on impact. It does come with warnings though. Two. One is for humans to not stare at the strobe lighting for too long or too closely. The other one is for the dog, saying it contains small parts and the ball is not a chew toy. I guess it's the sort of ball most responsible dog owners would avoid. I trust Ziggy with it though. Orange balls are not for chewing and he knows that. They are for losing.

Today was much easier not having to go to work. I left class at 7 O'Clock without feeling completely drained. In fact, I was feeling quite uplifted because I handed some work in after weeks of procrastination. But the Desert Song was not going to write itself. Even though it's a song about the desert (sort of) and we call it the Desert Song we can't officially call it that because Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros have already took that spot. We may call it the Dessert Song.

The calendar tells me it's one month to Christmas. The shops were telling me four weeks ago that it was Christmas but somehow I just didn't believe them. I believe the calendar though. They don't lie like the shops do. I won't panic yet. I'll wait until 5 days 'til Christmas before deciding that 'this shit got real'.

Sunday, November 22, 2015


Last night's music night was just like old times. When I say old times I mean like a few a months ago. Gus had been laying low for awhile but now he's back out to play, bringing much silliness with him. This past week's been busy. I slept in for work on Tuesday morning. I think I know why. Normally when I come home from class on a Monday night it takes a while for my brain to shut down. To be honest, I don't think it actually does shut down and whatever sleep I get on a Monday night is very light. I felt compelled to write a blog post this week after class and I reckon it got all those thoughts out of mind and cleared it for me to fall into a deep sleep. I slept through two alarms. I only woke when my phone was ringing to tell me my lift was there.

I'm off work for a few days. The plan was to get a bit of a rest before the Christmas rush. Ziggy peed on the Christmas tree at the bandstand today. I am proud of my little 'bah humbug' dog. Then we went to the beach with my dad and nieces. It was a nice day for it. Ziggy hasn't been to the beach since the roadtrip. He had forgotten all about being a beach dog.

I thought I had loads to write about but as it turns out, I don't. Had a strange dream last week that I had a hole in my belly and a fly crawled out of it. When I woke up I went to the toilet and my eye was drawn to something black on the floor. A fly. I thought that was kind of odd. Gus shared his insightful analysis of my dream. He thought it represented my desire to have children and my fear that I was getting older and, well, to put it bluntly, the fly represented my fear that my womb was rotting away. Then he told me he'd seen the fly in my bathroom wearing a nappy and sucking a dummy. Her name's J'amblet.

Monday, November 16, 2015

Collapse The Econony

It's late. Ok, it's not that late. 21:53 to be precise but I'm up at the screak of dawn (I'm sure there's something not right with that word 'screak' sounds a little made up. Maybe it's ulsterscots). I had to write though because today was class day and I just found my passion rekindled. We watched a Ted talk video, one that I'd seen before and had made an impression on me. It's about the power of vulnerability. Here's a link for those so inclined to embrace their own vulnerability. It's very empowering.

I am glad to be feeling this way about class again. One of the things Brene Brown talks about in her video is how humans are hard wired for meaningful connections. What prevents us from feeling connected to others is our inability to show our vulnerability which is, in essence, showing who we really are. Daring to be ourselves. I had been feeling disheartened, disconnected and ready to pack everything in. I love the days when I'm reminded of who I am, what's important to me and why I do what I do and try to achieve what I try to achieve. Both in my personal and professional life. They're intertwined with my values.

That doesn't stop the road ahead being uncertain and bumpy at times. But I'm an expert blowhole surfer at both ends of the spectrum. Another thing I learnt today is that the revolution will most definitely be started by women. I was pretty amazed to find out that the whole world's economy would collapse if women stopped buying cosmetic products. So here's another video, purely for educational purposes, to illustrate, in a rather explicit manner, how some girls are kinda fed up with the whole capitalism thing.

Friday, November 13, 2015

The Joblette

I did not do any schoolwork today (except read a little bit of a book called "The Myth of Suicide") and so I have words left over to blog. What shall I use them for hmmmm....

Someone I know was telling me about a bit of extra work they did on Game of Thrones. There were only four extras so they got the luxury of eating the same food as the actors. My friend was overjoyed at the breakfast buffet and especially charmed by the 'omelette station'. I asked him what he had. He said 'Everything. I had a cooked breakfast, mueseli, youghurt, fruit and a three egg mushroom omelette. Which was a mistake. Because an hour later I had to shit'. He went on to tell me that the costumes were particularly difficult to go to the toilet in but he realised that he could use the sword belt and buckle it really tight so the food could not go anywhere. Of course, once the belt was removed...well, he made it to the toilet but not without an uncomfortable bus journey to endure first.

It's the day of Fri. It's gone so cold. I have added another blanket to the bed and there's a hot water bottle waiting for me. I will fight this cold with heat!

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Four Baldy Bastards

I like to believe that if I was cut open, rivers of words would flow out rather than rivers of blood. I should probably drink cans of red thesauri, to make sure the words never run out.

No more new songs lately. Except for the Desert Song. Jobe thinks it sounds very like Queens of the Stone Age. I said "Humph...but they never did a desert song" to which Jobe replied "Yes they did. They're from Palm Desert. Their record label did the Desert Sessions!" Well, fuck them anyway. Thinking they own the desert.

We're all pretty pleased with it. I think that's because it's the first song we've really written together. It started off as one of Jobe's many little riffs, Jakers added another guitar, I wrote some words and Tobe figured out the bass line. Jakers is always talking about 'The band'. I am still an advocate of 'music night' as opposed to 'band practice'. Jakers nearly quit and went solo. This is how it is when you're in a band. Us creative types can get very moody lol

I have to maintain my stance on what this was always about. It was, to some degree, about the music. Mostly, it was about friendship and people connecting over something fun and beautiful. If it starts to become all about the music it loses it's charm for me. When everything has to be done right, done to perfection, practiced ad infitum, I stop seeing it as a creative enterprise and more like a job.

I am hopeful it won't get that way. And, if a lucky coincidence occurs and we end up writing more songs this is just an added bonus to something that it is already pretty awesome. And if we do keep writing songs and working well together we might have to change the name of the band. The GCDC's were the name of a band who weren't really a band. They indulged playing songs only in G, C and D because it was easy and fun. Jakers wants me to shave my head so we can call ourselves Four Baldy Bastards.

Sunday, November 08, 2015

The Ego and The Spark

The Ego. They say it is no good. We should let go of ego. But I disagree. We should be the master of our ego, not let our ego be the master of us. Our ego should be more dog, less cat. Though I don't particulalry like that analogy. It doesn't seem fair including animals in something that is distinctly human. Actually, no, I realise that is a naive assumption. Animals do display behaviour that would suggest they have some kind of ego. Like small, cocky dogs thinking they are tougher than they are, or cats who get embarassed when they do something stupid and start licking their privates as a way of hiding their shame.

I think the ego serves us to a certain degree. I like to be aware of what my ego is driving me to do, why it's driving me to do it, and what the outcome will be if I let it have it's wicked way. I mean, who doesn't want praise? Who doesn't want to be thought something of? I, personally, like those physical and metaphorical pats on the head. It makes me feel grounded and connected at the same time. The first time I put a video of my song on facebook I was genuinely surprised by the reaction it got. It was humbling to realise that people liked something I had made.

But will my ego get carried away with the praise and start churning out drivel just for the sake of hearing someone say it was good? I'd really like to hope not. Because then it loses it's essence. It's reason for being made is not to provoke self-affirming reactions from others. No, it's reason for being made was because it wanted to be made. A spark went off and I chose to nurture it because I realised, that spark, that poem, that song is part of me.

Friday, October 30, 2015

Bad Week Good Week

This week has been a great week. I wonder was it really that awesome or is it just in comparison with the week before which was horrendous? Here's a snapshot of those two weeks.

Saturday night week one - get off the plane, Bert, Judy Pudding and Ziggy waiting for me. Dropped off at home. Boys come round with drink and we make music and catch up for a few hours. Realise it's midnight and get a taxi to the pub. Stay there until 3 in the morning. Go home, pass out.

Sunday - force myself to get out of bed at 11 so I can get to sleep at night. Regret my decision. Lie on the sofa feeling sorry for myself. Attempt a dog walk. Fail miserably but think Ziggy is just as tired as I am. Go to shop. Buy ice cream. Feel sorry for myself all day.

Monday - go to work. Survive. Go to class. Realise that I am not enjoying anything about this year whatsoever. Do 'here and now' exercise. Go home and try to process the days events.

Tuesday - Hard day at work. Overtime cut. Stress about money. Shattered. Music night. Everyone's playing an instrument except me. No inspiration for words. Want everyone to go home so I can sleep. Too polite. Should have used my infamous line from a night in Thailand "You can stay, just turn off the lights and don't make any noise"

Wednesday - Day off. Finally! Go to meet woman about placement starting in January. Woman cancelled. Not her fault. Would have made me feel productive but ho well.

Thursday - Hate work. Still stressed about cutbacks.

Friday - Same as above!

All in all rather depressing. Cutbacks at work have a serious knock on effect to me being able to finish my course, and, the way I was feeling last week I was ready to knock it all on the head. Then came the Golden Week.

Saturday - Get overtime in work. Raging. Had expected to go home early and had made my peace. Feeling all over the place. Then...late Saturday evening...text message from boss. Trying her best to get us the hours we need and wanting everyone to work together. Heart warmed. Working hard does pay off. Brilliant music session. Didn't go to the pub.

Sunday - Clear head. Energised. Ziggy walked, drawers decluttered, paperwork sorted, files organised, bed sheets changed. New woman. Buy ice cream.

Monday - Work good. Half term, no class, coursework started, yee ha!

Tuesday - Work good. Bonding session with flatmate. Tell him it is time he buys toilet paper. Music night good.

Wednesday - Meet with woman about placement. Find my mojo. Coursework flowing. Feeling productive.

Thursday - Work good, dog walk with Zen N, get lost in drawing a piture of the blowhole.

Today - Work exhausting, but good. Fridge full of yougurts and cheese.