Friday, November 25, 2016

Boy Child Wonder Dog

I came home today to discover that Ziggy has been writing a draft for the Palace:

A DAY IN THE LIFE....ZIGGY THE BOY CHILD WONDER DOG

Hannah wakes up for work super early. She faffs around downstairs then she comes back up to do her hair. This is when I retreat beneath the blankets. I don't like the stuff she sprays in her hair. She doesn't do it every morning but I am like Pavlov's dog and as soon as I see her sitting in the 'getting ready' spot I dive under. I sleep until I hear Granny getting up. I stir but I decide it's still too early. When I hear Bert getting up I know the day is beginning. I go downstairs. Granny lets me and the other dogs out. She sometimes shouts "Ev" as she does this. Since granny and I are highly attuned I know this is short for "Everybody out!".

I do my buisness and then wait at the door for someone to let me in. I go for my second snooze of the day, sometimes on the sofa, sometimes back in bed. Visitors may come and I am compelled to bark and greet them excitedly. Eventually, Hannah comes home. I get very excited to see her and a little cross at all the others dogs crowding round her. I am also reminded, when Hannah arrives, that I have much coveted rawhide sticks that my BFF Gus brought round. I go into territorial mode. I may bark and worry at things below the sofa just to let Hannah know that she has been missed by me and I have all this awesome stuff to show her how well I can chew and guard and so on, so forth and suchlike.

Then Hannah goes upstairs to study. I go for my third snooze of the day. She works real hard with frequent breaks to talk to me and tell me she loves and how handsome I am. I sigh contentedly. Dinner comes a few hours later and I like to hang out with Granny in the kitchen for an hour just in case I get a treat. Granny doesn't even make me do tricks for them.

I often go to bed with Hannah but I may be up and down like a yoyo. Things that will stir me are; the clattering of pots and pans - this could potentially mean Granny is cooking, visitors calling - it's like a game of "who's it going to be?" and it pretty much doesn't matter who it's going to be because I'll get some kind of pat on the head. I forgot to mention, I have taken to going out in the evening and barking incessantly for at least 20 minutes. It just feels good to let the whole countryside know that I'm here and I've got all this rawhide and nobody's getting any!

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Yes I'm Going to Cry

I re-sat my theory test on Wednesday as it had expired. I passed so that was a relief. I recorded 2 sessions with 2 different clients and that was also a relief as I have a deadline for that piece of work looming. So When I went to sleep on Wednesday night my body and mind must have relaxed and I fell into such a deep sleep that I slept through 3 alarms. I made it into work on time but I was drained. A work colleague told me I looked awful and I went to the toilets and cried. This has been a problem for me for a while. Crying when I really don't want to be. Hence; no more tears on the floor for the girl who lives in her coat.

It seemed to be correlating with my monthly howl at the moon cycle so I went on the pill to see if I could fool my body into thinking it was pregnant. I tried it out for a month and it made me feel worse in the long run. The trial and error rule applies to everything and I'm left now with the option of just accepting I'm going to be a big weepy, emotional wet blanket for at least one day of the month. So what! Yes I am going to cry because that bull looked so happy when it was freed, yes I'm going to cry when I spend all day looking at babies and am reminded that I don't have any, yes, I'm going to cry when I think about how much I love Ziggy, yes I'm going to cry when one of the bad girls from the Bad Girls Club is crying. I'm going to cry when I feel like crying and I'm going to stop trying to control these emotions that are embarassing and cumbersome.

And while I let those emotions flow freely within me and without me, then there is room for the happiness to flow within me and without me. Moms is sorting her computing room out this week so we can light fires and make it cosy. I need to seek out the beauty and joys of winter because they are there just the same as the cold and darkness.





Saturday, November 12, 2016

Stars

I am pleased and a little surprised to report that the coursework is going ok. There's still a month until deadlines and I've made a good dent. Surely no last minute panic and annoyance. I will, of course, leave the referencing 'til the last day, about 10 minutes before it's due to be handed in, just so I can inflict some uneccesary stress on my heart. Just so it feels like I've really accomplished something.

In my first year at uni I took an elective module called 'Stars'. It was about famous people, actors and suchlike. The essay was a critique of a stars perfromance in a movie and I chose to do it on Courtney Love's role in The People Vs Larry Flynt. To be perfectly honest, I was out of my depth. I just liked her but I hadn't a damned notion about her acting abilities. It was a 3000 word essay and it caused me pull my hair out and curse the tutor who took the class. I handed it in the day I was flying back home for Christmas. It was a mess but it was done. I then complained about the ridiculous word count to a fellow student in the union about half an hour later. He informed me that the essay was only meant to be 1000 words. The tutor probably wouldn't even mark it.

I ran to the admissions desk and asked for my essay back. I sat in the union and scribbled out paragraph after paragraph. The sweet and kind Dirt Bird offered to retype it for me and hand it in on my behalf. Disaster was avoided. After Christmas I went to collect my work. I was amazed to see one of the best marks I have ever received for an assignment. The tutors comments started off "Hannah, I liked your essay!" So, when it came to editing out all the waffle I actually had some good thoughts. Which was to question how much Courtney Love was actually "acting" in the movie and how much she was just playing herself. I don't care. I'm glad she's not my mum but I still think she's cool.

Saturday, November 05, 2016

5 Dogs and a Me

I'm in the company of 5 dogs. Only one is really content. That would be Zigatron and that's because he's the only one who has his owner here. Judy Pudding was distraught yesterday when she realised Bert wouldn't be taking her to Sligo. She was so distraught she had to sleep on my head last night. Jess is less distraught. Ever since I moved in she has been trying to 'claim' me. She reckoned we would automatically bond over being the youngest sibling. It hasn't quite worked out that way as Ziggy is very territorial over his bedroom and Jess is only permitted occasionally to lie on the bed with us. Last night was one such night. So while Judy lay on my head, Jess lay right beside Judy, on top of the pillows. I had to push Judy out of the way so Ziggy could come under the blankets for his morning cuddle.

Roy and, my uncle's dog, Jack slept downstairs, guarding the house, which was just as well as one of the doors lay open all night. It is no wonder everyone wanted to huddle. As it turns out Jack is a real good boy. He didn't get an overly warm welcome from Jess or Judy but the boys are sticking together. Of course Jack will be pleased to see his mummy and daddy tomorrow but he's a good wee farm dog who's out at every opportunity but doesn't get lost and worry me.

Tonught, I suppose, is music night. Gus and I have been jamming the past few weeks and Bert even joined us on the Clarinet last week. The GCDC's live on!

Friday, October 28, 2016

Rugguts

I feel stuck in between a place of having nothing to write about and everything to write about and so I will deliver it in bitesize chunks that may or may not make much sense to anyone else but me.

I knowingly killed a creature for the first time in many, many years. I like the Buddhist concept of not killing bugs and things but I was having a moment of feeling like the whole world was a big steaming jobby, and what good was trying to be caring all the time really doing me anyway?, so I swatted a bluebottle that was buzzing around my bedroom a few nights ago. I have several things to say about this. I only did after spending what seemed like an eternity trying to usher it out the window. Ziggy looked at me like I was a hypocrite because of all the times I've told him not to play rough with spiders. He then ate the fly the following evening. Also, it was completely in vain for I felt like an evil person and the fly came back to haunt me anyway. It's still here and I shan't be killing it again even though it buzzed in my ear as if to say "murderer"

I have come to the realisation that I, perhaps, love Ziggy too much after incessantly worrying that he was missing the town. I took him on the train for a walk to his old stomping ground. I am vaguely aware that I'm projecting my own feelings onto him. Do I miss the town? Yes. Do I regret coming home? No. What I miss isn't going anywhere. It's all available in the future when I have saved up some money to enjoy it. But I do love Ziggy so and wonder how I will travel for 3 months without him. Maybe I will only go away for 2 and a half months and spend 2 weeks on a roadtrip with Ziggy.

I have been going through a process of trying to rebalance and reconcile my internal and external worlds. My mum has been patiently helping me. I think the psychodynamics module has made me look even deeper within myself and I've started to allow feelings that were previously repressed. This came as a bit of a shock to me as I thought I had my shit together. And I do for the most part. It's about taking the facade away though and realising that I do not have to constantly be my 'ideal' self. It's goddamn exhausting. I can be her when I feel like it and a pissy, moany bitch the rest of the time. Neither one of those states of being defines who I really am.

I'm not sure that there's much else. I'm trying to stay on top of course work. I guess that's why I'm blogging. I dream of holidays everyday. I dream of, once again, surfing the blowhole. I dream and I work and I wait and I tick and I tock like a clock. And, mostly, life is good.

Saturday, October 15, 2016

I've Done My Time

No more tears on the floor,
For the girl who lived in her coat,
She set sail yesterday.
On her little wooden boat,
She cast her wings to the waves,
Said, "This freedom ain't nothing but slavery",
She don't need this halo,
She's getting drunk on apathy,
She drinks the bottle 'til it's dry,
And then she fills it right back up,
She said, "My cup it runneth over",
"I filled it up with all my dust"
The sun it goes down on the East side,
It rises up in the North,
This boat is headed homeward bound,
It's letting nature run it's course,
And she said, "I packed my bags and they are empty like me",
"But that don't matter cause I got everything I need"
"The sun will shine now I can see",
"I've done my time now I am free"

Thursday, October 06, 2016

The Healing Power of Dance

Ziggy and I went for a walk down the back lane and through the woods. It was most pleasant. We came upon some magpie feathers on the ground. The remnants of a kill. We were not sad for we understand all about the circle of death. I'm now sitting in my bed. Just checked emails and facebook. Checked out stumbleupon but not really in the mood for surfing the net. I decided to cuddle Ziggy. He let out a few of his cute little grumbling noises and I buried my face into his hairy back. I sniffed him. "Hmmmm," I thought, "Ziggy smells like the woods". But something was amiss. I sniffed him again and all of a sudden got a flashback of him rolling around in the magpie feathers. I recoiled. I am no longer cuddling Ziggy. And, just in case I have some random blow in reader, Ziggy is a dog :)

It's been another busy week but I feel it's been productive. Some shit got sorted and some other shit did not. The other shit can wait. The highlight of my week was an expedition with my nieces. E told me she had the cold but only half a cold. M had the rest of it. E had given it to her. By accident.

I had a night to myself last Saturday. I indulged in the healing the power of dance. Sunday was a fun day with the girls so I started the week off in good stead. This was well needed after a few rocky days in which I was taking on the problems of the whole world. Silly world. Having problems.

Now I'm on the ocuntdown to a week's holiday from work. Yeehaaa!