Tuesday, March 03, 2015

Write On

I am completely unsure about what to write about. Do I write to make pople laugh, 'cause that's what I like to do? Do I bare my heart and soul because I want to show the world who I truly am and encourage others to be who they truly are? Do I write about Ziggy because he is the closest thing I have to a baby and I'm so proud of him? Do I write about my hopes and dreams because I like to remind myself that I have hopes and dreams? Do I write about my shortcomings because I have those too? Do I write about love because I know it so well? Or do I write about the lack of love because the world's fucked up? Do I write a poem about sticky glue and cherry scones? Or do I write a story about a worm crawling up a cheese hole and dancing in a summer frock? Do I write because I want to? Or because I need to? Or because I'm scared if I don't I'll forget who I am? I don't know. I just write. I write when I'm happy, when I'm sad, when I'm lost and confused. I write when my heart leaps with joy and when it sinks to the pit of my stomach. I write when I'm sure and when I'm not so sure. I write to feel ok, to gain clarity, to release and to empower. I write for freedom and strength and to digest my thoughts. I write for comfort, and solace and peace within myself. I write to connect, with myself and with others. I write because the words hold me up when I feel like falling down.

Sunday, March 01, 2015

Better Ways To Die

I found this article about depression and thought it was worth linking up to. And I was reminded of a line from the Little Prince "Well, I must endure the presence of one or two caterpillars if I wish to become acquainted with the butterflies"

Yesterday was a pleasing day because I got to see two of my girlfriends. Although most of my male friends aren't the typical sports watching, ball scratchin' kind I still miss the company of ladies and the female energy they bring. To be honest though,I'm not overly fussy about the company I keep. As long as there's peace and plenty of laughter.

I watched a film last week about four people whose boat sunk and they had to swim in shark infested waters. I'm not a big fan of the ocean, mostly because there's things in it that will eat you alive. The movie wasn't overly scary at the time but a few days later I gave myself the heebie jeebies thinking about it. Those people were eaten, alive, by sharks. I can't think of a more horrific way to die. I can think of ten other ways I would rather die. Like being boiled alive. Being struck by lightning. Being eaten alive by a crocodile. Starvation. Falling from a great height. Suffocation. Basically, any way you can possibly die would be preferable to being eaten ALIVE by a shark.

I am off work for a whole week. This means I can drink as much coffee as I like and stay up past 9 O'Clock. Tonight I have popcorn and we're gonna watch a Japanese movie called Infection. There's only one thing that scares me more than sharks and that's catching some horrific contagious disease that makes green pus ooze from every orifice.

Friday, February 27, 2015

Ziggy The Blog Filler

I'm not sure how it happens but the days just seem to be slipping by. But time is an illusion, right? It's not that the days are slipping away really, just that I have more to fill them and I'm more content. Which makes writing harder. When I first moved into this flat I spent a lot of time writing. No TV or internet to distract me. No dog to walk everyday. Just me and my thoughts. And I had the time and the space to write them down. Now I just doodle pictures and leave notes for Gus. They aren't nasty passive agressive notes but, rather, notes with very important messages, such as: I have just had a very unlady like helping of icecream and I demand that you do the same so that I don't feel so bad. P.S. don't let Ziggy lick the bowl...he'll turn into a gremlin.

I have decided that rather than trying to get Ziggy onto the big screen straight away he might benefit from taking part in some Am Dram. Gus moves around in those kind of circles and could make him some contacts quite easily. He still struggles with obedience and discipline (we had another Beiber incident in the kitchen) and I reckon Am Dram will give him the taste for pleasing an audience and he'll learn to just sit when he's asked to sit, as opposed to rolling over and doing pirouettes.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Ziggy and the GCDC's

There's a lot of adult type stuff in my head at the minute. It's no bad thing. I am an adult after all. It mostly revolves around learning to drive and getting a placement for my course. There's a small bit of worry, just enough to spur me on, but I will not to succumb to big time worrying because I have faith that everything will fall into place.

Spending time with my eldest niece is also forcing me to assume my adult authority. I got away with being easygoing funtime auntie Hannah for quite a number of years. Now I have to say 'no' a lot more and learn to feel ok about that. The only time I really have to put my foot down is when we go to the shops and M sees things that she wants. She hasn't quite grasped the concept of money yet. When I tell her I can't afford it she says "But Hannah, you can just go to the bank machine."

The second time I took her up the town M promised me we wouldn't argue. We did. She wanted a Frozen sticker set. Then she saw a balloon and it nearly broke her heart that I didn't buy it. This is when it became clear to me. She just couldn't help herself. She saw, she wanted. The miracle with children is that they live in the immediate moment. Five minutes later and a small lolly in her mouth and all the day's woes are forgotten.

I had both girls round for a playdate on Saturday. The youngest came up the stairs and said "We're here for a celebrate". We celebrated by bouncing on the bed and playing with small stones. M wanted to go up the town and get stuff. I said no. M said "But Hannah, E's here this time and she'll probably have a tantrum and I will help you with her." I gave her credit for her ability to negotiate but the answer was still no.

The GCDC's is the pretend name of our pretend band. We have accquired a new member and two bass guitars. The instruments are the only thing about our pretend band that isn't pretend. As it turns out, both Gus and Jakers are naturals on the bass guitar. I am selling my saxophone to a guy I know who plays drums in a band. He's a bit of a musical genius so he'll pick the sax up no problem and, when he does, I plan to poach him for the GCDC's. I also know a clarinet player, a tin whistler and a mouth organist. Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros better watch out 'cos there's a new hippie collective in town. And we have a dog!

Friday, February 06, 2015

Sit, Lie Down, Play Dead and Roll Over

Ziggy fell in love the other night. He's fallen for bitches before but I think this time it's the real deal. Her name is Ella and Ziggy let her eat his dinner. I have nothing to report in my own life. The days are full of laughing and talking in stupid voices. I've told Gus that one day I am going to speak to him only in rhymes.

Spending time with my eldest niece once a week has been wonderful. Last week we built a snowman. Of course I say 'we', it was actually me who did all the building while M ra around in the snow giggling about hom much fun it was to run in the snow. Yesterday we did arts and crafts and in no time M had decorated both a tiara and mirror with time to spare to do a drawing for her Daddy. We also did the apple dance to this song, which entertained Gus greatly!

Ziggy is a clever boy but, like me, he just has to do things his own way. Since he mastered the roll over trick he has no time to wait for commands. In his eagerness to receive a tasty reward, when I ask him to 'sit' Ziggy sits, lies down, plays dead and rolls over in one foul swoop. Here's a little video I took of him. It's not great quality and a bit distorted (seemingly the dropping my phone down the toilet incident had some repurcussions) and you might have to tilt your head but other than that, it's great! Here is my wee man.

Monday, January 26, 2015

Ziggy The Hairy Dragon Baby

I have got a new flatmate and to say that Ziggy approves is an understatement. For once I didn't have to play the flatmate lottery (which sucks by the way) and it ended up that a friend was looking a place to stay. That friend is Gus who I play geetar with and who makes me laugh and who Ziggy adores so it is a win win situation for all parties. 'Cause, y'see, I'm a girl who's all about the music and the laughing and making sure my dog is happy. And yet, that desire to make everyone happy never leaves me.

I am back at class and loving it. I have a driving lesson booked for tomorrow. I haven't been driving since September so I expect to be a bit rusty but I'm hoping I'll be a little more confident and assertive this time round. My course has been helping me work on these issues that I've struggled with in many aspects of my life. There is also this amazing feeling of knowing that I'm exactly where I'm meant to be. At the right time, with the right people. I'm glad the wrong people left my life. Even if it hurt at the time.

I feel it's worth mentioning that this time last year I was trying to be hopeful but it was hard. I'd just come out of a relationship and I had no idea what had happened. My head kept telling me what I should be doing but my heart was heavy and did not want to listen to my head. At the time I felt that if I just had closure I could move on and let go of the hurt. I wasn't going to get closure the way that I wanted though and I fought a long hard battle with myself to find peace within. I won the battle though! I accepted that I had to find my own closure.

It's safe to say I truly have my closure now. Both within myself and in the good old traditional sense that I had hoped so hard for (no joke, if you really, really want something you'll get it in the end, you might just have to wait a year, or two, or thirty). I've ordered my Littlest Hobo t.shirt "Maybe tomorrow....I'll wanna settle down". Ziggy just so happens to be getting cuter by the day and now that he can roll over I think he's maybe ready for his acting career to take off. There's been a fair few local bearded men, including Gus, who have played extras in The Game of Thrones so expect to see Ziggy playing some kind of hairy dragon baby in the next series.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

What It Means To Me

It was a year ago that I stumbled upon a book in the library called The Indigo Adult. It came at a time when I needed answers and it most certainly gave me a lot of comfort. I wrote a little bit about it, about what it meant to me, and then I never mentioned it again (on my blog at least - poor Jakers is sick hearing about Indigos). The reason for that was because it was a concept I was still exploring. And that's all it is, a concept. I joined a group on Facebook and learnt a lot more about what it means to other people to be an Indigo. I wasn't sure if I liked it all. Too many people claiming that they were Indigo when others were not. Too many people telling others what they should and shouldn't be doing. But, essentially, it's an arena for learning and if you can take everything with a pinch of salt there is much learning to be gained.

For example, a lot of people focus on an Indigo's psychic abilities. This was never an interest of mine. And a lot of Indigo's believe that they come from other planets (so they get labelled crazy). Each to their own, I don't care if someone came from the sewers or the moon they all deserve the same respect. I don't feel like I am the same as others but I still believe that I came from the same place as them.

So what does it mean to me to be an Indigo? It just means that I can vision the world how it should be. Many people can. Except, maybe the difference is that people don't believe they have the power to change anything. It is easier to go with the crowd, follow rules and believe everything we're told. I can vision the world how it is meant to be and I believe that the world, or rather the people in it, will get there some day. I really believe this. I have to believe it otherwise I just wouldn't want to be here. I have to believe that when I bring a child into this world I am bringing them into a place of hope and possibility. Essentially, that's what it boils down to. I take comfort in being an Indigo because it gives me hope. And it excites me. In a world where people are so cynical.

I think I have come to this place in my life because I was bored of the norm. My most favourite book, The Alchemist, spoke of travel, adventure, magic, treasure and being connected with the soul of the universe. It was written beautifully, by a man who wanted to share the beauty he saw in the world. It gave me something to believe in. Everything happens for a reason, the universe is there to guide you and help you. Also, the fact remains that strange things happen in my life and I enjoy looking for the meaning in these events. It is no secret that I love a good jigsaw puzzle. Well, I like to put all the pieces of my life together to see the bigger picture and, quite often, I'm blown away.