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Wednesday, April 12, 2017

As I'll Ever Be

Hello little blog! Time is such strange concept at the minute. But that's not the reason for my not blogging. It's more my use of time. And lack of content. I was sick. Not with any kind of animal flu. Nor the human flu. Perhaps it was some kind of Bonsai tree strain, I don't know for sure. Between it's lurgy-ness and the stress of "being alive" I was pretty much good for nothin'. I see patterns in my life though. And it seems that each year comes new insight and easier ways to manage "being alive".

Dirt Bird has just texted me saying "Yaaay. Friend Therapy is the best! (smiley face with tongue sticking out)". And it is. Sometimes I forget that I have friends. I go through months of wondering who I am in relation to others. I'm Hannah, the weird one at work who takes her break at different times from her colleagues, and I'm Hannah, the weird one in class who gets on with everyone but is close with no-one. I'm Hannah, the girl who loves her family very much but always finds some reason why she can't attend the family functions. I'm Hannah, the girl who always complains about being lonely but feels an intense desire for 'head space' when she's around too many people. I play the social outcast. It's a role I'm familar and comfortable with even though it serves no purpose in my life.

So having time with a friend like Dirt Bird, like Mel, like Gus, that is how I make best use of my time. Because it's with these people that I can truly be myself. That I can forget about the responsibility of life and remember that I am a child of the universe and I deserve to feel free and happy. Dear God I never want to lose that feeling and this past few months I have felt the nails being hammered in my coffin by my own hands. Am I ready? As I'll ever be.