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Thursday, April 29, 2010

World's Largest Jigsaw

There was something I hadn't taken into consideration about the whole pole-dancing thing. Dancing around in skimpy underwear is not ideal for someone who is morbidly feared of the cold and would normally turn up for a day's work wearing, vest, t.shirt, sweater and coat. I naively thought that they'd have good heating in these strip joints but as mum pointed out, how else do they keep the lasses nipples so hard? So, back to the drawing board. Oh, if only I could draw.

I'd like to make the world's largest jigsaw and be part of a team that helps build it. The average jigsaw has 1000 pieces and measures approximately 28 inches by 20 inches. This leaves us with 36 pieces per row and 28 pieces per column. So, based on these calculations a 1,000,000 piece jigsaw would measure....

Ok, I actually tried to work that out with a calculator but I still can't get my head around it. But, basically, it would be a BIG jigsaw. A bigsaw if you like. The picture at the top is the image I've chosen for this jigsaw, mainly because I love cows but also because there's a lot of variation in the oolours which would make a massive jigsaw a bit easier to do. Yes, i have thought about this a little too much. I'm not mad I just have a lot of time on my hands at the minute.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Freddy's Foxy Friend

I'm glad I took a dander down the back lane today. Because if I didn't I wouldn't have seen two animals having a stand off. One was easily identified as Fat Face Freddy. The other animal, I presumed, was also a cat but when it looked up at me and ran off there was no mistaking that bushy tail for the tail of Fantastic Mr. Fox. So what were Freddy and the fox standing around chatting about?

Freddy: Feck off Foxy, I'm more ginger than you are!

Foxy: Are you feck Fat Face. You're more like a strawberry blond. Bet ye dye your hair too. I can see white on your belly.

Freddy: Look Foxy, not only am I more ginger but I am also a black belt in Catrate so you better keep your big foxy mouth shut or I'll hoof ye.

Foxy: Hahahahaha it's KARATE Fat Face and I bet the only belt you wear is a chastity belt. Everyone round these parts knows you have no balls! LOL

Freddy: Don't you LOL at me. I'll set my bear on you. Her name's Bonnie!

Foxy: Ha! Bonnie's not a bear she's a German Shepherd and I know for a fact she's soft as shite. wouldn't hurt a fly.

At which point I show up and Foxy runs away whilst Freddy laughs down his sleeve and then miaows at me like he's such a sweet innocent wee cat.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Drunk on Fudge

Edinburgh is gorgeous. I've seen a fair amount of cities in the past few months and, after Oaxaca, Edinburgh comes in a very close second. Mel and I amused ourselves with riverpath walks and exhibitions. We climbed Scot's Monument, which is an old gothic tower that gives stunning views across the city. It's pretty tough to get all the way to the top as you have to ascend, what feels like, a never ending spiral staircase that becomes so narrow on the top there's barely enough room for one person to squeeze by. So if the height of the tower doesn't make you dizzy the steps up definitely will.

We also indulged in many types of amazing fudge; mint, chocolate caramel, Belgian chocolate, 'special' fudge (unfortunately it wasn't special like I know special but it was damn delicious) and, my favourite, Turkish delight flavour fudge. Needless to say I was in Fudge Heaven. Though by morning time it was more like a fudge hangover. I also had my long awaited Papa John's pizza. Hmmmmm. I hear there's one in Belfast. I wonder if they do free delivery to Cullybackey?

But we didn't just sit around filling our big faces with fudge and pizza (though we did do a lot of that). We also had drinks by the river of Leith and went to the Camera Obscura, which is an exhibition of optical illusions and fun bits of gadgetry to play around with. All in all it was a lovely wee trip across the water and it was just nice to hang with Mel before she goes away to Australia for months on end.

Upon my arrival I was informed by mum that Expedia had been phoning me to inform me of a flight change from Peru to Madrid. Seeing as I'm not in Peru I thought there was little point in phoning them back but the guy on the phone said if I wasn't taking the flight I could get my money back. So I phoned back first thing yesterday morning and this has resulted in me being £300 richer. Today is my birthday so, thanks Expedia, what a lovely birthday present :)

Monday, April 12, 2010

Easter Fun and Frolics

It's not that Ive been lazy about blogging I have genuinely had no time to update. I've been much too busy having fun y'see. The infamous Dirt Bird was over for Easter and, naturally, this involved serious amounts of drinking. Though I can't blame it all on her as I was drinking on nights she wasn't out as well. On Sunday night we all vacated Nellybert's for a good old game of "Throw Your Money Out The Window", otherwise known as Poker. I'd have won if he hadn't been for that pesky Bert. And Swisser and Dirt Bird and Danny and Marty. Robbin' bastards I tell ye!

So by Monday I was ready for a quiet night in but DJ Yoda was playing in Belfast and I had somehow managed to let someone make me think it was a good idea to go. It was actually and I had a goood night even though I was secretly hoping that the bus would leave for Belfast without me. I had just enough time to nurse an accumulative hangover on Tuesday, get showered and pack for the jaunt down to Dublin on Wednesday morning with Z and baby M.

We only spent a day and a half in Dublin but it was a lovely opportunity for me to spend time with my gorgeous niece. She now thinks that her auntie Hannah isn't a bad ould spud and she particularly likes the Boingy Song. In Dublin we visited the Dead Animal Exhibition which is a bit freaky if you don't like stuffed animals but really interesting all the same. We did a lot of ther nice stuff too but, for me, one of the most exciting things was enjoying a packet of Willy Wonka's crunchy Nerd Jelly Beans. I know Willy Wonka's a fictional character but I'd still like to marry him.

So then it was back to Ballymena for a ween o' hours before I made my way here, to Edinburgh, to visit my good friend the Lovely Mel. So far Edinburgh has been kind to me by basking me in sunshine and offering me the most delectable fudge but I'll write more about all that when I get home. For now the optical illusion exhibition is calling to us.