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Monday, December 31, 2007

The Things I've Done

'Tis New Year's Eve and there are only a mere few hours left of 2007. I for one have had a fantastic year. Things didn't always work out the way they were meant to but I have dealt with whatever problems I've been confronted with. Here's a list of the things I did in 2007 that I'd never done before:

1. Learnt to ride a motorbike (well, I say I learnt to ride one, I did, I just never rode it).

2. Quit my job in a clothes shop to become a teacher in Thailand.

3. Eaten an array of disgusting, slimy, indestiguishable fishy things whilst I was drunk.

4. Swam in the sea in my bra and pants.

5. Developed an addiction to products containing malt or barley.

6. Worn pretty blouses and skirts to work.

7. Made a naughty student do press ups until he cried.

8. Fired a revolver.

9. Given someone a lap dance.

10. Proved myself to be THE No. 1 hostess with the mostess by announcing dunkenly to my guests: You can stay here for a while..... just turn off the lights and don't talk.

So there you are. Now in 2008 I have much to live to up to.

Monday, December 24, 2007

Brave Mel

On Saturday mum and I met with some of our favourite bloggers for a very civilised afternoon of coffee drinking and intellectual conversation. I learnt some very interesting things during the course of the day. One of those things was that somehow, somewhere, someone had made a video called Two Girls and a Cup and whatever it's content was, it made grown men cry and throw up.

I wanted to know why it was so bad. No one would tell me. All I knew was that no one wanted to talk about it. This meant it must be really bad. I came up with a cunning plan. I'd get Mel to watch it for me then she could tell me what it was about. She was more than willing to help me out. We thought we'd found it so I left her to watch it. Bert and Nigel raced in to see but came back minutes later saying that she hadn't found the right thing.

I went in to see how her search for Two Girls and a Cup was going and mum was in folding sheets. Mel played a video and said I don't think this is it when all of a sudden the most horrific thing was on the screen in front of us. Mum and I squealed and ran out. Mel, who is hardcore, stayed to watch the rest. Nigel's curiosity got the better of him and he went back to watch it only to come back a few minutes later with his face all flushed and claiming that watching it had kind of spoiled his christmas a wee bit.

So I asked Mel what the verdict was. She said it was rank and definitely not something that anyone would choose to watch. I for one would be ill if I watched the whole thing and I just don't need those kinds of mental images in my head.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

DS Say Keep Your Drugs In A Plastic Bag

My friend Jenny has been arrested twice. The first time was for smoking marijuana in a public park. When the police searched her they found her drugs in a beautiful tin. Jenny was very fond of her wee tin and asked the police woman to let her keep it. The police woman's compassionate reply was:

Next time you should keep your drugs in a plastic bag.

Not that she shouldn't be smoking drugs in the first place but if she didn't want her prized tinny being confiscated by the cops she should keep her smoke in a less valuable container.

So Jenny accepted that she'd been busted. She accepted that she would never see her favourite we tinny again. Did she learn her lesson? Well, no.

A year later Jenny was smoking drugs round at a friends house. There was a knock at the door. A policeman. But he wasn't there to enquire about the strange smell escaping from the house. Nor was he there to enquire about the huge glass ornament sitting on the coffee table that looked suspiciously like some kind of contraption used to smoke illegal substances. No, he came to enquire about something or other that had nothing to do with Jenny and her chums.

But the combination of the strange smell with Jenny's blatant attempts at trying to conceal the large glass ornament alerted this policeman to the belief that crimes were being committed.

Later in the evening they had another visit. This time it was the drug squad. Belongings were searched and arrests were made. During this, a pizza was delivered. Again Jenny had kept her stash in a tin, this one more beautiful and special than any tin she'd ever owned.

On the way to the police station the drug squad lady asked Jenny if she'd ever been arrested before.

Yeah says Jenny By you, last year, smoking marijuana.

The drug sqaud woman said:

Oh yeah, I remember you.

Jenny said:

Do you think I could have my tin back this time?

I told you before, keep your drugs in a plastic bag.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Thanks Mum

Y'see, this is one of the major drawbacks when your mum is technologically gifted (by that I mean she can upload photographs onto flickr). What does she do? Does she post photos of you looking sophisticated and intelligent, mysterious or thoughtful? No, she posts the photos of you looking like a total eedjit. Big silly grin, check, beautiful trendy hair do, check, very cool and dignified pose (air guitar), check. At fist glance this would seem like the perfect picture to post of a child. But when you are that child....

Friday, December 14, 2007

Mai Kow Jai

I'd only met one person from Thailand before I went there. He taught me how to say 2 things, 1 of which I remembered how to say but had forgotten what it meant and the other, I'd forgotten how to say it but I knew what it meant.

My first day of teaching in Thailand one of the teachers asked me if I could speak any Thai. I told her I knew one thing and that was mai kow jai. She smiled and said I don't understand and I thought my Thai was obviously erible until a few days later I realised that mai kow jai means I don't understand.

The second phrase was arai wah and I'd been hearing it a lot from my students when I asked them a question. Pretty much immediately I remembered that it means what the fuck? and so I demanded that there would be no arai wah-ing in my classroom. Then I taught the teachers and heard them also saying it. I had to resign myself to the fact that Thai people quite often say what the fuck? whether they are children or adults.

Monday, December 10, 2007

The 1st Post From Ireland

So I flew into London and I looked down at all the grey buildings and thought how ugly England is. But then I flew into Belfast city and the first thing I saw was the H and W yellow crane and I was pleased to be home. Then I saw the Dale Farm logo and I'd forgotten all about milk. Real milk and not pretend milk. I talked to an old Irish lady who'd lost her husband and I remembered how friendly (most) folk are here. Then I noticed the lady was wearing trousers from Next. I was home, for sure. Then I spotted a millie/spide in her flourescent yella sports top and her beautiful grey tracksuit bottoms. Yep, I was home, for sure.

I waited for mum outside the airport and hopped up and down to keep myself warm. I was the only eejit there wearing a t.shirt and a light summer jacket. I thought I saw mum coming but the woman in question was wearing jeans and looking very svelte. Then I looked again, it was mum. I know that wee determined strid anywhere. She looks fantastic since I last saw her. Zoe and Gracie were also there to greet me so it was big hugs and licks all round.

We stopped off at Matty's and despite me not having washed, changed my clothes or brushed my hair for 35 hours she told me I was looking well. I was told I'd filled out (in Thailand they would say I got fat but at home it's 'filled out'). Mind you I had ate my lunch and dinner in Bangkok and then had dinner and breakfast on the first flight and breakfast again on my scond flight so it's hardly surprising that I'd filled out.

Got home to Cullybackey and the dogs went wild and tortured the cat. I admired Bert's new fish and marvelled and how huge Holly ze Cat had grown. I went over to see Pearlie and told her about Thailand. Sometimes she looked at me like I was making stuff up and she'd mutter to herself, I don't know. She asked me if they were dark skinned and I said yes, indeed they are but explained to her they wouldn't be as dark as folk from Africa. She seemed interested in this fact. Then she asked me if I left any broken hearts behind because Pearlie loves a bit of gossip.

Then after yet more food and tasty Thai snacks it was bed time. I dreamt of 20p mix-ups. I'll have to get one today. Hmmmm fish and chips and 20p mixes.