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Wednesday, June 10, 2009

10th June

Woah! What a day! Not only is it the anniversary of the death of an old boyfriend but it's all kicking off in work. Mum says she can't wait to pick me up each day so she can hear the next installation of the soap opera that is my job. Damn, I really wish I could blog all about it but I can't. For so many reasons. All I can say is that big changes are happening be they for better or worse. Although it's stressful I know I don't have anything to worry about. So I won't.

Anyway, I have more important things to think about today. On the 10th June eight years ago an amazing guy I'd just split up with died in a house fire. You probably wonder why I'd split up with him if he was so amazing but even then, when I was 19, I knew that just because you loved someone didn't mean you were meant to be together. When Will died we'd been split up for a few months. We'd done the splitting-up, falling out, making peace and the wishing each other well for the future. He was happy when he died. He'd got back together with an old flame and he was making plans for the summer. Despite this I still took his death really badly. The guilt, regrets, what-ifs were overwhelming. Every dramatic event in your life plays a part in shaping you as a person. It's only looking back now that I can see the different effects it's had on me. But I'm not writing this seeking sympathy. Eight years is a long time for the heart to heal and, if truth be told, I didn't let myself grieve for that long because I didn't feel I had a right to. When it came down to it I was just lucky to have known him and loved him.

I know this is pretty personal stuff to write about but I've been doing a lot of self-reflecting lately just to try to understand myself better. I'm wary about discussing my emotions but so often I find myself writing blogs that get deleted or I go and do something and by the time I've come back I've lost the nerve to post it. The thing is, I love writing. I don't want to make a career out of it but it's something I do want to be good at and I'm not going to progress with it if I hold back too much.

See, now I just feel like a dick.


YAF said...

A wonderfully moving piece Hannah. Don't ever be afraid to show your true feelings, you write extremely well and I am convinced that you could make a go of it. Have you tried sending a few pieces into local newspapers, magazines etc? Don't wait, do it now.

hootchinhannah said...

If even just one person likes what I write then it is worth doing. Thankyou YAF for your encouraging comments, always.

Musings of Mel said...

I enjoyed your blog post Banana, plus like you said, its not like your writing because you want sympathy but just because its how you feel. I still have feelings for things that happened long ago!