I'll Try Not To Kill You

Next bad day I have in work I'm just gonna count down the days 'til I board that flight to New York. Yes, I finally booked a flight. I leave on the 16th January to New York then catch a flight on the 20th to Mexico, With the mere press of a button and withdrawal of £361.50 from my bank account my mood has greatly improved.

I think I just needed a bit of direction in my life. Something to work towards and look forward to. And, unlike my trip to Thailand, this trip will be a little better organised. It actually feels like a weight's been lifted off my shoulders. This isn't a dream anymore it's reality. And it was probably always as easy as this but I just didn't realise it.

Hopefully my blog will be a lot brighter and interesting in about 6 months time. One thing I know is I won't be going anywhere without my SLR. I missed it so much in Thailand it just ain't worth the agony. I may post the film home to save lugging it about though.

I never regret a single day in Thailand (except the basketball hoop night) but it was hard work arriving and being thrown into teaching so soon. The one thing I really look forward to on my next trip is relaxing and doing whatever I want for a couple of weeks. Of course, knowing me I'll be working within a week as God seems to think I don't like being unemployed.

There are also whispers in the air that I will start driving lessons soon. You can expect posts upon posts of driving disasters. Going to another country to work and live and possibly catch swine flu is nowhere near as scary as the prospect of being inside a huge hunk of metal with wheels and pedals and sticks and gadgets and being expected to actually control it. I find it hard enough steering a shopping trolley so a car should be fun.

Surfin' AJT

As I mentioned before, I've been feeling a bit down (translates as: absoulutelty totally miserable). There is one main reason for this. Work. I don't know how many times I've been told by so many different people that I shouldn't let it get to me. I've agreed with them and tried not to care so much but I've come to realise this is impossible for me. It's just part of who I am. I do care and I do take my job seriously. Which is why I should really be trying my hardest to find a job that requires me to care.

Things got so bad on Monday that I started thinking that I should use my savings to enrol myself on a Social Work course instead of going travelling. I'd get myself a pet rat and work and study until finally I'd be in a postion where I didn't have to settle for minimum wage menial bullshit. But it's my dream to travel and I'd never be happy settling in a career unless I'd experienced the exotic. The pet rat and social work degree will have to wait.

Thankfully, the girls I work with have given me a bit of strength to carry on. I broke down in tears on Monday. They have all agreed it's been a long time coming. Even just that consoles me. I don't mind showing my emotions as long as people understand why I'm feeling them. They have fully backed me up and said they're surprised I lasted this long. They have told this to a key member of the company and they have also told her about their own discontentment. Things are unravelling slowly but I'm clinging onto my sanity for a wee while yet. If I can just ride this job out 'til I go travelling I'll be able to diclose all the gory details but for now I'll keep clinging to my board.

HB's Out Of Lead

Blogger was toying with me there. Being a bit of a dick if you ask me. I was momentarily worried that I wouldn't be able to share the delights of Biorythm charts. I do so love a bit of hippy dippy tosh. But it's true. All of it. Of course it is!

Anyway, these people (I don't know who these people are; hippies, witches, goths?) have decided that everyone has their own personal biorythm chart, which is calculated from your birthdate. This determines when we experience highs and lows in your physical, emotional and intellectual energy.

So this is why I'm feeling so depressed, lethargic and tearful. According to my biorythm chart I'm low in all forms of energy. Basically, right now, I'm lazy, tired, irrational, sad and stupid. That's pretty much accurate. I'll only believe it's true though if in ten days time, like the chart suggests, I'll be on top of the world. And even if I am I'll put it down to the power of suggestion.

Very Woody!

I met a girl on the bus travelling on her own. She said she was gonna cycle from Tibet to Nepal. Crazy, cool chick. She was sweet. Young in age but she had old laughter lines around her eyes. She wants to be gardener, I want to be a carpenter. I think we come from the same place. Heaven maybe. Or hell. Or some crazy jungle on a crazy island in the middle of the ocean where mermaids marry pirates and show them how to find the treasure at the bottom of the sea.

I want to live in a wooden house. A house in a tree made out of trees. I'll sleep in a wooden bed with wooden sheets. I'll brush my hair with a wooden brush and clean my face with the sap from the leaves. I'll watch the wooden TV showing the same Squirrel Show every day. Everything will be bark and smell like the earth.

I wrote this on my travels in Thailand after meeting a lass from Oz who inspired me. She was so disciplined and head strong but she was always late for class due to the fact that she always fell asleep on the train to school and missed her stop. Anyway, my obsession for wood at the time (and still now really) doesn't seem quite so innocent after seeing this Monthy Python sketch. Apparently their funniest sketch ever. My favourite will always be the Lupin sketch where Dennis Moore steals lupins from the rich and gives them to the poor.

Average Friday Afternoon

Life at the Dreen is never dull. Mum's car broke down so Bert had to pick her up from work. They picked me up too. Although it was a short journey it was filled with banter, slagging and laughing. Mostly at Bert. First his early morning driving skills were scrutinised. Then we chortled as Bert's gaze following the strawberry-blond farmer boy driving by on his open top tractor with a cigarette hanging from his mouth James Dean stylee. I asked Bert did he fancy him.

Upon arrival home we were greeted by two gorgeous dog beasts full of joy and happiness at seeing not one, not two but three of their Masters home at the same time (this is a rare occurrence). Then as we sat down for a smoke and coffee, Young Loveheart arrived with two tubs full of locusts. Bert and him were conducting experiments which, inevitably, led to locusts escaping. Very random. But I don't have time to reflect on the randomness and lovliness of life in general because it's the Day of Fri and it's been a heluvva week in work and I have several dates with several people, the most important, of course, being Mr. Jameson.

10th June

Woah! What a day! Not only is it the anniversary of the death of an old boyfriend but it's all kicking off in work. Mum says she can't wait to pick me up each day so she can hear the next installation of the soap opera that is my job. Damn, I really wish I could blog all about it but I can't. For so many reasons. All I can say is that big changes are happening be they for better or worse. Although it's stressful I know I don't have anything to worry about. So I won't.

Anyway, I have more important things to think about today. On the 10th June eight years ago an amazing guy I'd just split up with died in a house fire. You probably wonder why I'd split up with him if he was so amazing but even then, when I was 19, I knew that just because you loved someone didn't mean you were meant to be together. When Will died we'd been split up for a few months. We'd done the splitting-up, falling out, making peace and the wishing each other well for the future. He was happy when he died. He'd got back together with an old flame and he was making plans for the summer. Despite this I still took his death really badly. The guilt, regrets, what-ifs were overwhelming. Every dramatic event in your life plays a part in shaping you as a person. It's only looking back now that I can see the different effects it's had on me. But I'm not writing this seeking sympathy. Eight years is a long time for the heart to heal and, if truth be told, I didn't let myself grieve for that long because I didn't feel I had a right to. When it came down to it I was just lucky to have known him and loved him.

I know this is pretty personal stuff to write about but I've been doing a lot of self-reflecting lately just to try to understand myself better. I'm wary about discussing my emotions but so often I find myself writing blogs that get deleted or I go and do something and by the time I've come back I've lost the nerve to post it. The thing is, I love writing. I don't want to make a career out of it but it's something I do want to be good at and I'm not going to progress with it if I hold back too much.

See, now I just feel like a dick.

Big Mac With Fries

I found out, today in work, something that made me, once again, realise that people's faults do not make them 'bad' people. I guess when you admit those faults it shows a willingness to learn and adapt, which is good thing. I'm hoping that the result of this outcome will make work more bearable but even if it doesn't it will only encourage me so save quicker so I can travel sooner. Seems like a win-win siyuation if you ask me.

I can't express enough how much the bright weather is cheering me up. Weather like this always reminds me of the good times because the good times always happen when the sun is shining. It's Doug's Dog Day Party coming up and it makes me think back to last year, hanging out on Sunday morning with 3 grumpy Norweigan's. I got the impression they were disappointed with their stay in Norn Iron because it pished with rain but I also got the impression that they didn't show much enthusiasm for anything. At Doug's party they drank Vodka and Jameson's and sung stoically. As we sat in Wetherspoon's the next day (not long before we got chucked out for being too boisterous on a Sunday afternoon) I asked the Norweigan's about where they came from. They told me they lived in the middle of nowhere and if they wanted McDonald's they had to drive to cities 100's of miles away. They were leaving that day and I walked them down to Eckstar's flat to get their bags. McDonald's is down that way too so obviously the Norweigan's were keen to get some food. I asked one guy what he was gonna order and he said:

'A big mac with fries'

I asked his mate what he'd get. He smiled and said:

'A big mac with fries'

I laughed and said to the third guy:

'Let me guess, you're getting a big mac with fries?'

He smiled and nodded his head.

Hmmm, I totally contradicted myself there because I said how the good weather made me think of good memories 'cause all the good times happen in the sun. Then I go and recount a memory when it was raining. I remember it well because it's when I became a member of the Drizzle Appreciation Society.

Wonderful Warmth

Ah...the warmth, the glorious warmth. It's nice to wear different clothes other than hoodies. I can go 'Look see, I do have arms. And yes, they are whiter than you could ever have possibly imagined.' To be fair, the sun has been shining for days and it's only the past 2 days that I've taken my jacket off. I had to stock up on some heat.

Mum, Zoe, granny and I went to granda's memorial mass. It was nice to go 'cos it pleased my granny, which pleases my mum, which pleases me but I'd forgotten how akward mass makes me feel. I can never remember the words to prayers, or when to kneel and stand up and bless myself. In a small country chapel this fails to go unnoticed. Aw well, it bothered me slightly at the time but I'm not letting it bother me beyond that. I can't help my heatheness.

Granny was reminding mum about how she arrived at the hospital to give birth to me. She wasn't in labour so her and granny decided to get the town service bus. They asked the bus driver if it went to the hospital and he said that it didn't but if they just could just wait a minute he'd take them there. So out of the goodess of his heart (and possibly thinking that mum was about to pop me out there and then), he drove mum and granny right up to the hospital doors in a bus! Even if most bus drivers were kind enough to do that they'd probably just drop you off at the nearest bus stop.

I'm coping better with work this week. I swear it's because I had two whole days off rather than just the one. Oh, and I didn't get horrendously drunk this weekend. I came home earlyish on Saturday night. I woke up feeling refreshed on Sunday morning so I brushed Paddy's winter coat off him. He looked so handsome mum and I decided to take him a walk along the beach to show him off. We took Bonnie dog too incase she felt left out. We bumped into Dee Mac and her dog Handsome Herman. Big Herman showed both Paddy and Bonnie what real dogs are meant to do on the beach, i.e. go swimming. Bonnie half got the idea but Paddy obviously didn't want to ruin his newly brushed coat.

A Change Would Do You Good

Anyone up for an adventure? Flights from Belfast to New York are this cheap in October. This would give me a week to explore before catching a flight down to Mexico, just in time for the Mexican Day of the Dead celebrations. Even though Kerm wouldn't be there covered in a mixture of his own, and other people's, blood I'm sure it would be a better party than the one we had last year.

From here to S.America for less than £400 squiddly diddly dangoes (expdia aren't like easyjet and they show you the actual price the flight costs with tax and everything included). Of course, I could just fly straight to Mexico for the same price but it's the difference between 2 8 hour plane rides with a week in between and 1 17 hour plane ride that connects in New York anyway. I'd love to just book the flights right now but I can't guarantee that I'll have enough money saved by then. It's only really 4 months away. I've checked prices for Jaunary though and there pretty much the same.

I just wrote a whole big blog speel about work that I deleted immediately. I didn't want to go back after my first break today but I don't want to rant about it. I'm kinda trying to convince myself that it's not actually that bad and that I just need to change my attitude towards it. But it is that bad. I hate my manager so much that it's making me hate the rest of my life. I feel like I'm running out of time too. I need to hurry up and get a proper career otherwise I'll be doing this job for the REST of my life. I guess I should try harder on working on changing my attitude. And saving my money.