Soul Food

Yum! Here is a selection of culinary delights crafted by my domestic goddess sister. We have homemade oatcakes with melted cheese and bacon. Unless you're from Stoke or round those parts you won't know how good these things are. I hated them for a long time but once I started eating them they formed part of my staple diet for years. There are also some lovely Fifteens big sis and I made. Defintely one of my all time favourite traybakes. Then there are two of Zoe's finest cupcakes in the world: one is the Chocolate Guinness Cupcake and the other Zoe simply calls 'an old fashioned chocolate cupcake with coconut buttercream' but I think should be called Hannah's Little Bit of Heaven in a Cupcake. Zoe made them for my leaving for Thailand do and I dreamt about them on so many hot, balmy nights so she made some for my return home.

Speaking of Thailand it's been a long time since I made a Thai curry and I'm starting to think that maybe if I did the sun would put his hat on...and keep it on. Really though, and Swisser will back this up, good food can give you a buzz (sometimes Swisser's near orgasming when she eats Nelly's home-baked delights!). I conclude: Lack of food that has been home-cooked lovingly is bad for the soul. Nelly baked a banana and walnut loaf at the weekend. I'm nearly sure it's the first thing she's baked since March when she hosted an awesome teaparty for The Lovely Mel and Ganching.

Small Teasers

After a weekend of working, Pearlie-sitting, dog-sitting, cat-sitting, hen-sitting, fish-sitting and boyfriend-sitting I'm not quite so sure that I stand by my drunken proclamation that, as soon as I get back from South America, I'm having babies, whether there's a father or not! Obviously I would need a father for the initial impregnation but so intent on having babies 'twas I, in my drunkeness, that I felt the whole "waiting for the right man" was completely irrelevant to family-making.

So...ya. That was my biological clock ticking very loudly, very brazenly and very drunkenly. But, like I say, after this weekend I'm not so sure I'm ready for parenthood any time soon. Being mum, Bert and me rolled into one was tough enough. Most importantly though, I missed getting out and seeing people. That's what makes the weekend for me. If I was a mum I'd have to say goodbye to my social life and I don't want to do that anytime soon.

I'm wearing my new glasses. They are good because I can see things better but they are bad because they cost me stupid money and they make malteasers look smaller. They don't make other things look smaller though so maybe I'm just wishing the malteasers were bigger. One day I will bathe in malteasers. Having said that, it would be a real waste.

Shoulda Gone To Specsavers

So, Vision Express sent me a nice letter the other day, offering me a free eye exam and a £50 voucher. I have needed to wear glasses since I was 14 but at some point over the years my head must've shrunk and those glasses kept falling off my face. Also, they were Graham Coxon/Jack Duckworth NHS stylee glasses and they just didn't suit me. So I didn't wear them.

I'd been meaning to get new glasses for a while and this voucher sent by Vision Express was the push I needed. Had to be used by 25th June so off I rushed to the nearest VE. Eye exams are strange experiences anyway. I'm nearly sure they make you blinder and also the lights and air they puff into your eye makes you somewhat disorientated. After the test the lovely assistant helped me pick my frames. They were £90 but with my voucher they were £40. I had forgot though that they would charge me for the actual lenses that go into the frames and I parted with £144 of my hard-earned squiddly diddly dangoes! My own fault for being naive but also a cunning ploy on Vision xpress's part to lure me into thinking I was getting a bargain.

Shoulda gone to Specsavers.

Hails also informed me that she used to work in Pet Smart. The story behind that is; I once found a bat lying on the street in broad daylight. Convinced that this wee bat must've broken a wing I scopped it up and took it down to Pet Smart. I asked if they could help fix it's wing. The lady looked at me like I had 2 heads and pointed out that they were a pet shop, not a vetinary. She told me I'd need to contact the RSPB and it was just as she was fetching me a box for the bat that it crawled up my arm and flew off into the rafters. The lady wss most cross and said:

Great, now we have to get the RSPB out.

I scarpered pretty quick and it was only in hindsight that I realised a bat on the loose in a shop that sold mice was not a particularly good idea. I was also wrong about it having a broken wing as it could clearly fly the very best.

As Blind As A Bat

As blog material is rather thin on the ground at the minute I'm happy that Tuesday Kid has tagged me to disclose 8 pointless things about myself. It means I can keep my rant about how Vision Express rinsed me with their cunning promotional offers for another day.

8 pointless things:

1. I never time food when I'm cooking. I just hope for the best. If I ever invite you to a dinner party you should politely decline.

2. I will always want to be a carpenter.

3. I think too much about really, really silly things.

4. Instead of revising for 'A' Levels I learnt how to juggle. I'm now in a dead-end job but I'm fully qualified to join the circus at any time.

5. I am a member of the Drizzle Aprecciation Society. It's quite elite.

6. When I was 10 and we moved to the countryside I was excited about all the wildlife I'd get to see. The only badgers I've ever seen have been lying on the side of the road, dead, and the only fox I've ever seen in the country was the one that massacred all our hens last week.

7. I believe that time is a concept that should be totally ignored. It's far too restrictive.

8. I'm one of those dumb, naive people who thinks they're getting s good deal but they're getting ripped off. Yup, that's me (F**k you Vision Express, even though your staff were lovely. I musta been blind not to see youse bastards coming.)

There ye go. I don't see why the list had to stop at 8 'cause, personally, I could've gone on forever there (I once got a bat caught in my hair, I once let a bat loose in Pet Smart) I tag the Lovely Mel because even though I know her pretty well but I'm sure she can still surprise me.

1752 That's My No.

Yesterday I was full of the joys of spring. Today I am hibernating in my room, staring out the window at the vicious wind that blows and howls. I've just got off the phone with Mel. Our conversation went from travelling to the lottery to lucky no's (I've decided mine's gonna be 1752. It's a bit long winded but it feels lucky) to me having an inferiority complex because when anyone at work writes my name they never give me a capital 'H'. Why am I not worthy of a capital letter?

When Dirt Bird said goodbye to me on Monday she texted me a while later saying she'd just seen a Bad Toad. I remember, when I lived in Stoke, if you came home for a visit it didn't feel like you'd been home unless you'd seen a Bad Toad. Now that I live here again I see them on a regular basis. I don't need to go Bad Toad hunting because B & M Bargains has just opened up and the Bad Toads, like everyone else in Ballymena, love a good bargain.

James Brown Knows The Score But So Does Hughie Green

There was a plus side to having Swine Flu. Now that I've fully recovered I feel amaaaazing!! Maybe it's the help of the sun and Seasick Steve with his funky blues but I really do feel on top of the world. After last week's annoyances at work I had a good day. I feel like I'm actually getting the help from my manager's that I should have been getting month's ago but was too proud to ask.

Oh, and karma worked it's way round to me. Not the weekend just gone but the weekend before I found £5 on the ground and the Saturday night I found £10 on the ground. When it's on the ground it's fair do's in my eyes. As long as it's not in a purse or wallet.

So there's a spring in my step again and I feel much more like my usual self. I'm like a cross between Vince Noir and Howard Moon from the Mighty Boosh. Vince for his sunny Barocca-aided approach to life and Howard for his love of Jazz Funk. This is a pretty recent thing for me but I've com to the conclusion that Funk would make the world go round. You can't help but be happy and dance when you hear it. I can hear James Brown now singing in my brain...I feel good.

One Blog Meet, One Wedding And A Night At O'Rawes

Well, I haven't had a minute. Not a minute. And I loved it. Thursday night Nelly and I went to meet some fellow bloggers. The occasion was Hails' brief return to the Emerald Isle to catch up with folk (but really, to remind herself why she is no longer living here). Grannymar was the only one I hadn't previously met and she was charming like all the others.

There's something about getting a certain mix of people who've all met through pretty random circumstances. You talk about things you wouldn't normally talk about. Learn things you wouldn't necessarily learn.

Friday was quiet in work up until the last hour and a half when it got so busy that my head was frazzled. I wanted to catch the bus home but missed it because people kept coming into the shop even though the shutters were half way down. I had to get a taxi home and the driver took it upon himself to give me a a 15 minute intensive cow and bull lesson. Apparently cows are pregnant for the same length of time as humans. But a farmer has to watch his bulls don't try and mate with their daughters. I'm not quite sure why he thought this was interesting converstaion for a young girl heading out on a Friday night but that's farmer types for you.

On Friday night I went to my usual haunt. I enjoyed my last proper night out with Dirt Bird before she heads back to the Wall of Sall. I love talking to her because she's the only one that shares my sense of humour exactly. She used to be a wino but she's a whisko like me now.

On Saturday I had another busy day in work and then met Dirt Bird after for drinks and something to eat. I had a wedding to go at 8 so Dirt Bird was providing some moral support as I had to dress up and meet family and share a taxi there with strangers. As it turned out it was a good night and everyone I met was friendly and welcomiing.

The best thing about going to weddings is that it reminds me how much I don't like them. I'm always happy for the bride and groom but I can't help but feel embarassed for them when they have to do the 'First Dance' and all the cheesy stuff. Anyway, the wedding blog rant's a post for another day. I'm yearning for a game of word challenge. I've given up on beating Ed ever but I'm still hopelessly addicted.

Worn, Like The Clothes In My Shop

I like to think of myself as a patient person, although I'm pretty sure it's not a natural character trait for me. I think it was something that I had to learn. I heard a rumour it was a virtue. So, therefore, my family members would probably beg to differ about my claiming to be patient but they have known me longer as a child/brat/moody teenager than as an adult.

But friends and work collegaues do see me as being patient and I pride myself on this somewhat. There are few people who have the patience of a saint and eventually everyone gets worn down at certain points and by certain things. This seems to be one of the side-effects of the Swine Flu. Well, that and a combination of working where I work. I hate to blog rant and I hate talking about my job in detail but today I reached beyond the end of my tether and handed the keys to my boss and informed him I was going home. I wasn't quitting but I was letting it be known that I could physically take no more.

Fortunately my current boss is not as cantankerous as my old boss who pushed me to the limit but was too proud to try to keep me. He took the keys, took me out for a smoke, listened to me and dealt with the situation as best he could. He gave me back the keys and enough positivity to finish the day. I wish I could explain more but even though it's only a job I really do get on with the people I work with and I'd feel like I was betraying them by discussing work issues. And besides, I'd need to write a book not just a blog post.

Free House In Cloughmills

I had the worst night's sleep last night. So bad that during it I had a dream where I was telling people about my bad night's sleep. I have Swine flu. There could be a number of reasons for this. I did eat a Pear Picking Porky ice lolly yesterday, which definitely made me feel worse. But the Swine lurgi had started a good week and a half before that. Also my over-exposure to Corona lager hasn't been helping it. I haven't been drinking it myself but everyone else has. It kept putting that song in my head My Sharona.

I would love to write about the ins and outs of my Friday night but I cant go into too much detail other than to say that after the pub we went to someone's house. Half Term Kerm ended up taking a bath at 3 in the morning and cooking a feed of tobasco eggs at 5 in the morning.

I wrote the 1st part of this blog yesterday but didn't have the energy to finish it off. The swine flu is slightly better. The night sweats weren't as bad last night but I did have a surreal dream where Mum, my boyfriend and I went to view a house in Cloughmills. 3 small children answered the door and I wondered where all the adults were. We went into the living room and the eldest girl started to tell us why they wanted to sell the house. When I looked over at the other 2 children they'd turned into cats. Eventually the other girl turned into a cat and it was the most evil, nasty cat I've ever encountered. Mum seemed unperturbed by the stangeness of this and went to find some adults. When she was out of the room the eldest girl-cat turned into Evil Cat From Hell. Mum came back announcing that they were giving the house away for free because everyone else in the street were moving at 1 O'Clock and we were the only ones who'd come to see the house!

I'm hoping that I shuld be a 100% by Thursday though as Nelly and I are meeting up with some fellow bloggers and I'd hate to give them the Swine flu. Hails suggested I wear a mask. I was thinking about choosing this one although it reminds me of Cartoon Head from Ideal.