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Wednesday, January 15, 2014

The Indigo Adult: Part One

There was a reason I named this blog The Palace Of Heavenly Pleasure and that's because I wanted it to be a place of hope and laughter, not a brothel like the book it was named after. Thankfully it's not much like a brothel although you may hear the odd mention of mud wrestling. I also know for a fact that, since I named a post "Dogs Doing It Doggy Style", I get a lot of hits from perverts hoping to find something raunchy. I bet they are are rather disappointed when they realise they have stumbled upon my blog which, at times, is a lot more sad and serious than sexy.

This time last year I was starting to come into my own. I was in the middle of a bout of depression but I was writing through it and, most importantly, getting to know my self. My true, authentic self. It was a cathartic experience. I looked at all the struggles in my life, why I had them, what way they made me react, the running away I did from myself in order to escape these struggles or forget them. I can't stress enough what that writing did for me. It gave me a new lease of life. Hope for the future. I wanted to share my story but couldn't cope with the fact that that's all it was. My story. Crucial to me but not so important to anybody else.

That didn't matter though. I'd got a lot out of my system and I learned to take a lot of pressure off myself. I was more content. I felt I had good energy around me. Things got better. At times I felt it hard to trust that things were actually better. I found it hard to fully succumb to the security that was supposedly offered to me. I found it hard to let go of the independence I had fought so hard to gain over the years.

Fear destroys everything. Truth creates beauty. The fact that my world seemed to come crashing down around me just before Christmas was not just to do with the end of my relationship. Of course, it was a big part of it, but I was dealing with the sadness of facing the possibility that I didn't really know myself that well after all. That all the hard work I had put into facing my demons had been for nothing. I felt that my heart and soul had lied to me and that I could never trust them again.

This is how I've been feeling for just over a month. Possibly longer because I was sensitive to the subtleties in the air and things were rarely straightforward or easy. Far from it. Yesterday I went to the library to leave some books back. I toyed with the idea of getting some more but then decided there probably wouldn't be anything of interest anyway. But while I was there I took a quick look. I ended up taking some books for the sake of it. One of those books was called "Indigo Adults". I have no idea how this book managed to make it into the small pile of ones I would take home but I'm really glad it did.

Having spent most of my life feeling "different" from everyone else (when I say different I mean DIFFERENT) I struggled to find my place in the world. I did a lot of drifting. I'm really not good at explaining the theory and history of Indigo adults but when I went through the list of associated traits I felt as though the book was written especially for me. This is how most Indigos feel when they read it. This link will provide all the relevant information for anyone who's interested in finding out more.

To me, this is life changing. Because for the first time I feel like someone gets me. I don't feel so alone although I've spent so much time feeling alone that I know it's nothing to fear really. It gives me hope that I can find my kindred spirits because this really is one of the most important things in my life. Of course I want to meet the man of my dreams but I don't want to rely on just one person for my emotional needs to be met. I want a community of people. So, now I know that they are out there, the Alexander Supertramp's and the Kurt Cobain's of the world, all I have to do is find them and connect with them. Before they die tragically, because it seems to be a curse of the indigo soul to struggle so much with the way of the world that they live reckless lives. Always nice to end on a cheerful note ;)

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