Freedom

“Freedom continues to be the thing I prize most in the world. Of course, this has led me to drink wines I did not like, to do things I should not have done and which I will not do again; it has left scars on my body and on my soul, it has meant hurting certain people, although I have since asked their forgiveness, when I realized that I could do absolutely anything except force another person to follow me in my madness, in my lust for life. I don’t regret the painful times; I bear my scars like medals. I know that freedom has a high price, as high as that of slavery; the only difference is that you pay with pleasure and a smile, even when that smile is dimmed by tears.”

- Paulo Coelho, The Zahir

“Love is an untamed force. When we try to control it, it destroys us. When we try to imprison it, it enslaves us. When we try to understand it, it leaves us feeling lost and confused.”

- Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

Love exists. I know it does, I've felt it, I still feel it. I feel it every day. Loves grows and changes. Love plunges a knife in your heart and it comforts you in a way that makes you feel like you're back in your mother's womb. It's an all encompassing feeling of safety, security and protection with your every need being met. It's perfection. It's also a burden, a shackle, holding you down and keeping you back. Or it can wrap it's hands around your throat and choke you until you can't breathe. Sometimes, it can be all of these things all at once and that's the confusing thing. I've stopped trying to make sense of it. Love has made me act irrationally but how can you rationalise something that is so abstract? My tortured soul has given up asking my head why it must feel this way. I believe that I must reconnect with my intuition and let it guide me where I need to go. I know that I have to be proactive in some matters in life but why force the rest?

I'm finidng it very hard blogging at the minute. I don't want to just stop writing because I feel sad but I do miss that girl who wrote about silly things. The girl who got excited about treasure hunts and tree houses. The girl who loves dogs and music. I know I am still that girl but I am carrying a weight on my shoulders that's making it hard for me to laugh. But, when I think about things logically, really, I had a lucky escape. At least the weight I carry on my shoulders is my own heavy heart and not someone else's.