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Ok, 'tis about time I thanked everyone for their lovely Christmas gifts. It was a funny one this year and I got most of my presents after I'd actually seen the people who gave them to me. So I would've have thanked them then but wouldn't have known what I was thanking them for. If that makes sense. Even if it doesn't as long as those who know they need to be thanked are thanked.

Damn! I just inhaled coffee and coughed it all over the keyboard. I bet that looked really sexy.

Big Brother is finally over. I'm glad that Jade and her 2 wenches acted the way they did. Although those girls claim they are not racist they have shown how people use cultural differences to alienate and isolate someone. They did this to Shilpa because they were jealous of her not because she was of a different race. Either way, their behaviour was unacceptable. I'd like to think if they were bullying Shilpa without any references to her culture that they would've been booted out anyway. Sadly, I don't think it would've been the case. So when it came to the final there was the gay Welsh man, 2 Americans, one white and one afro-carribean, and an Indian woman. Do the British public not like the British celebrities? Are British celebs (if we could even call them that) just an embarassment to us?

Driver's Ed

Bertram has very kindly offered to pay for driving lessons for me. For a while now I have been using the excuse that I can't afford them but now that burden has been lifted thanks to Bertie Boy. I am excited and nervous. Driving is something that I hadn't thought about doing 'til sometime in my 30's. Although I knew it was something I should do sooner rather than later.

So I've decided to be very dedicated. I went to get my form for my provisional licence today and passed by through Eason's on the way. I saw that they were having a book clear out and had a wee rummage through. I noticed a driver's theory book and thought I'd get it and start swotting up straight away. This time in 3 months time I will be an expert on the theory of driving a large vehicle. It will come in handy for when I become a long distance lorry driver.

Leap Year Babies

Between me, Jamie and Nelly's other half, not one of us knows anybody born on the 29th of February. We tried to work out the probability of it when we were drunk but neither me or Bert has a very good head for maths. Where are all the Leap Year babies? And don't they feel slightly cheated? Do they celebrate their birthday on the 28th of February or the first of March? If I was born on the 29th of February I'd have a huge party every leap year. I'd get all the other Leap Year babies together and have a massive celebration.

I started work at 6 this morning for a stocktake. It's always hateful getting out of bed but it was nice to get home at 3 this afternoon. It was actually day light and though it was bitterly cold the sun was shining. I could almost convince myself it was summer.

Nelly's kitten is adorable. I want to believe that's it's my kitten too but apart from attacking my alien fingers she doesn't bother much with me. It's because she's too busy winding up the dogs. We thought Harry was one helluva cat the way he got on with the dogs but he was nothing compared to this little minx and Harry didn't have an alsation to contend with. If Holly isn't getting a rise out of Bonnie by clawing her paws she'll stick her head in the alsation's mouth. She'll lie in a plastic bag hung on a door handle like she 's chilling on a hammock. She does great wee dances and leaps in the air. But she's not Harry. Harry was a wee cootchie cat who'd snuggle with you. He had a beautiful purr and Holly never seems to purr. Which is a shame because that's one of the best things about a cat. Holly lets out bad-tempered mean growls if you even so much as brush up against one of the hairs on her tail. But she's still class.

Bring on the longer days so I can get my camera out.

Bank Charges

Anybody who has received bank charges, over the 10 pounds, in the last 5 years might find this site useful. Apparently it was illegal all along for banks to charge over a certain amount and this site gives you a step by step guide on how to go about claiming money back from your bank. The same applies to credit card charges, although the maximum amount they can charge is 12 pounds but anything over that can be claimed.

So there you go. We always knew banks were robbing bastards.

Why Dirt Bird Is A Dirt Bird

If you were wondering why Dirt Bird is called Dirt Bird this is the reason.


But it's not nice to say that about Dirt Bird, she's lovely really. I miss her loads and wish she'd come back to scabby Ballymena where she belongs.

January 24th

I've been reading in the papers that January is officially the shittiest month of the year, January the 24th being the worst day of the year. It's exactly one month after Christmas so the high we get from that has completely worn off by then. It's 3 weeks after New Year when people start to cave in and break their resolutions. It's a few days 'til pay day and everyone's skint. So I've decided that January 24th will be an excellent day for me. I didn't get that high at Christmas so it's already worn off. I didn't make any resolutions to break and so I don't feel guilty. I get paid on the 22nd and will be living in the lap of luxury by the 24th. But I still say roll on March.

Everybody Needs Them

Last night Jamie and I foolishly watched endless clips of Neighbours episodes that have already been shown in Australia. We spoiled the next 6 months viewing in one hour. It was too much to take in. All the storylines, all the drama. I felt physically ill after. Jamie felt guilty. The last cliff hanger involved somebody getting shot.

I suppose you're all dying to know what happens?

Sky gives birth to her baby but someone kidnaps it. Was it Stingray when he was pissed and emotional? No! Was it Carmella's mad cousin when she was mad? No! Was it Dyldog because he thought the baby was his? Yes! And she is his. One minute she's Dyldo's, next minute she's Stingray's, but really she's Dyldo's. So Sky's reporting Doc. Karl for malpractice and making her think that the baby was Stingray's. Stingray's family are suing the Doc for causing him severe emotional distress when he already had enough on his plate with the old alcohol addiction and falling in love with minors.

Mishka comes back from Russia to find her best Ozzy man, Lou Bear, but is deported 10 minutes later for trying to bribe the Immigration Officer. Paul Robinson proposes to Lyn, she accepts, they say I do and 10 minutes later he's telling her that he'll only be cheating on her in 6 weeks time and she's better off without him. So Stephie punched him for being a bastard.

Paul's daughter Elle is feeling guilty about making Mad Max think he was going mad. Poor Stephie is sad and lonely because Mad Max has done a runner on her but luckily she has Toadie to keep her warm and cozy.

Katya, the silly moo cow, is spoiling eveything for everybody. Evil Rob Rob should've done the job properly and got rid of her. And Elle for that matter. It's all Katya's fault that Mad max went mad and ran away. If he hadn't of fallen for him and become so needy of him he wouldn't have accidentally ran over Elle's brother Cameron. Therefore Elle wouldn't have sought revenge on Max, making him think he was going crazy. So Katya, the silly moo cow, robbed a bank a few years back and now an evil guy called Guy is blackmailing her. She tries to shoot him but she gets shot. This guy called Guy doesn't like the cut of her gib and so he holds her, Stephie, Toadie and Zeke the Freak hostage until Katya coughs up some serious dollar. This all leads to poor Doc Karl getting shot. Poor Karl who's just been sued and lost his job.

Ray The Mountain

I'm ditching Gomez at my wedding for this guy. Ray Lamontagne. He's a bit like Jesus 'cos he used to be a carpenter but he's a lot more sexy than Jesus and with a voice that could melt butter. If he's not careful he can sound a bit like Michael Bolton but that's just when he's doing the schmoozy numbers. Jamie and I are thinking of seeing him at the Waterfront Hall next Saturday. It's been so long since either of us was at a gig. Zoe's beloved Dive Boy is also a fan and I asked him if he wanted to come along with us. He asked me could I not just bring him to back to their house. I told Dive Boy not to worry he'd be playing at my wedding in the woods. With Jose Gonzalez.

This is a good un too.

It Is Difficult To Play The Trombone

Kids are funny creatures. They do and say and believe the strangest things. I heard a little girl say mummy you're hurting my face. Her mum just laughed and said how can I be doing that I'm not even touching you. Their little minds are so undeveloped that they can believe that anything is possible. They will make up their own crazy conclusions about the world and how it works. Sometimes they are misguided and sometimes a little too naive. Here's some of the things I believed as a youngster:

* In the 'olden' days, when my grandparents were children, everything was black and white. Colour was not introduced to the world 'til sometime in the 70s when everyone was tripping out on acid.

* Anon was a poet. He was so well known and wrote so many poems that he could be known by his first name only. He was on the same kind of celebrity scale as Madonna or Prince.

* Buzzards are called buzzards because they buzz (ok so I was 14 when I believed this but I was still technically a youngster).

* Bears lived in the woods in Ireland and the big sticks that are used for putting out forest fires were to beat the bears away when they attacked you (I had some help in believing this).

* If I swallowed a plum stone a plum tree would grow in my tummy (I know all kids believe this but I really believed it, to the point where I cried for hours after swallowing a plum stone).

* It is difficult to play the trombone because it can suck the breath out of you.



Now that I'm older I'm much more wiser. I know there are no bears in Ireland (but don't tell Pirate John that). I know that anon is an abbreviation of anonymous. I know that buzzards don't buzz but I still don't know why they're called buzzards. I know a plum tree won't grow in your stomach. But I still believe that a trombone is difficult to play because it can suck the breath out of you. It makes total sense in my head.

Happy New Year

Christmas is over, the New Year has begun and the days are getting longer by a millisecond each day. Only stinking oul' January to get through now and all will be good. I hate January. It's a cold bleak month. The buzz from Christmas and New Year has worn off, we're skint, it's cold, and dark and everyone's already broken their New Year's resolutions by the first week and feeling like shit. February's not much better but at least it's short.

On a brighter note, Christmas was lovely. After I had the stress of doing everything lastminute.com (buying, wrapping and delivering presents and packing up until half an hour before leaving for the airport), I just relaxed at Jamie's mum's house watching Santa movie after Santa movie and eating sweets. It was strange though, my first Christmas away from home. I had a surreal experience at the airport. When going through security there was a man in front of me just about to walk through the metal detector. The secuirty lady asked him to wait and asked me to walk through first. Even though I didn't bleep she asked me to hold my arms out to be searched. As she did so she said to me Ok I'm going to search you there's no need to stand there looking like I'm doing something to you.

Bam! I had an overwhelming sense of deja vu. It made my face turn red and I nearly laughed in her face. Then I thought it was so real and familiar that it probably wasn't deja vu but that she had probably said the exact same thing to me the last time I went through security at Aldergrove. I can't be certain but it was just such a strange sensation. Especially because my reaction to her comment felt so vividly familiar. My reaction was to just stand there being searched and dumbfounded as to why she would even say this in the first place. Did I look like she was doing something to me? It wasn't just what she said but her tone of voice when saying it. She probably says it to everyone she searches because she's fed up with the whole lesbian stereotype that female airport security only do their job to cop a feel of women's tits*

Anyway, she freaked my mind a little bit just because of the feeling of deja vu. I almost wanted to go back and ask her if she says that to a lot of people she searches. But I didn't, so I was left wondering.

It was nice being back in Stoke. As much as I hate the place it's like a second home to me. I saw Gravy Dave and Miss C, I saw Pirate John and Captain Tor. Tor is still going on about Nelly's spicy chicken wings being the best he ever tasted and he promises next time he's over he will be cooking for Nelly. I thought about going to visit Santa in his grotto at the Potteries shopping centre but I couldn't tell if it was still free. The fact that the queue was significantly shorter than when I worked ther suggested it probably cost money. I was reading an article about the cost of visiting Santa in shopping centres in Norn Iron just before Christmas. The average cost was around 6 pounds to visit Santa but a lot were 10 pounds. A couple were free but the child got no present and you had to bring your own camera. The most expensive was the Castlecout centre in Belfast, costing 20 pounds per child to visit Santa. Crazy. Scary. Obscene. Anyway, there endeth my Christmas rant.





*Ok so maybe I'm making this sterotype up but I'm sure someone once told me that. Anyway, I'm a sociology student, I don't believe in stereotypes so this doll just annoyed me in assuming that I might believe in sterotypes.