The Blind First Aider

I've never won a competition just because. I've always had to work my ass off for it. I came 3rd in the Directory competition and got 50 squids cash and 30 squids of vouchers (Next vouchers though, wouldn't you know). I'm just glad I don' t have to stand by that car anymore.

The weather is so bad that me and Jamie are just keeping a low profile. We haven't taken Paddy and Rosie anywhere for ages. They probably hate us now. Even though I got the picture of them blown up for mum's birthday.

They sent the first aid certificates to work a few days ago and the boss said we had to have our pictures taken and put up on the wall. In my photo I blinked, sort of kind of in purpose, so I wouldn't get blinded by the flash. I have my eyes shut and the biggest cheesiest grin. When I saw it this morning I went straight in and told Emma she had to take another picture. Another girl had her eyes half closed and some of the stockroom folk were laughing saying that she looked chinese and the other girl looked like a simpleton. Someone says,

'And what about Hannah what does she look like?'

'Well, she's got her eyes shut and a big silly grin. She's their love child.'

Then there were great roars of laughter. I don't know who I feel more sorry for, the Chinese, the simpleton or the love child.

Happy Birthday Nellymoms

Moms
Originally uploaded by hootchinhannah.

No, this isn't mum's new hair do but it is quite similar to her new do. I know that there will probably be much protesting at this picture but I happen to think it is a lovely shot of Nelly. Anyway, photos and hair dos is not what's important. It's Nellymoms' birthday and that's what's important.


Happy Birthday Mum

Love you lots xx

Lost For Words Cos There's Too Many

I am totally lost for inspiration at the minute. I don't know why but I thought I'd look over some old books I used to write in to see if it would encourage me. I found something which made me smile. Seems that I am always lost for inspiration.

I feel sad beacuse I can't write anything beautiful. I can't create anything beautiful. Everything I think, I think it's all been thought before, so even if it's beautiful it won't belong to me. People say that being creative can make you happy and it's true. My eldest sister is the most contented person I know and she is always painting, knitting, crafting and cooking. She is a domestic goddess but that's not what makes her happy, that's what makes her boyfriend happy. I am rubbish at all of these. I can't paint, have no patience for knitting and get all hot and bothered in the kitchen. I am the furthest thing away from a domestic goddess. And I'm not that tidy either.

My other sister is a career girl. She is determined and independent. She is focused and strong-willed. She is also creative. But I'm not a career girl either. Nowhere near ambitious enough. Or hardwroking enough. And I've always believed that I'm not really that much good at anything except anagrams. But being good at anagrams doesn't get you that far in life. It just helps you do crosswords, I always thought that by improving my vocabulary I'd become a better writer but it becomes harder because there are more words to choose from.

I am no more inspired than I was to begin with but now there are more pressing matters at hand, like getting Nellymoms a birthday present.

Tinkerton Is Tempting

I'm seriously thinking about going for Nelly's job in Tinkerton when she quits it. Even that would be better than standing in front of a car, with a clip board, asking people if they want a copy of the Next Directory. Poeple are so untrusting of people standing in front of cars with clip boards. I don't blame them for I am too.

I am sick of all the bullshit that goes with my job. How the workers are not only expected to work their asses off bending over backwards for ungrateful customers but also act as walking advertisements for the merchandise. One week the manager is telling us she wants to see us in lots of nice accessories, the next week she's saying no more jewellery, it's too hard to tell if people are buying it on discount or stealing it. You wouldn't want to but the jewellery anyway, it falls to pieces in weeks.

Me and Jamface joined Bert and some of his chums for a day's frolicking in Portglenone. Me and Jamie didn't stay to see the Red Hot Chili Pipers but we enjoyed some local talent in O'Connell's and if Bert had seen those weans on the whistles he'd have been green with jealousy. Apart from that we have done nothing but watch Neighbours. Evil Rob Rob's not defeated yet.

It is only now that I am getting chance to write about my week. A very good one it was too. To ease our hangovers on Saturday we took Gravy Dave a drive around the country. We took him to Slemish but he didn't want to climb it 'cos there wasn't a pub at the top. So we took him to Ballycastle aswell and got excited about the Llama's Fair.

That evening we picked up one of my bestest friends Dirt Bird and her boyfriend Marc and took them out to see Nelly and Bert. As always Nelly had been working her magic in the kitchen and produced a mean Cheese, onion and spinach pie and a delicious apple and blackberry sponge. Gravy Dave provided the after dinner entertainment with a bit of poetry and Dirt Bird was reminded of her debauched antics from way back when.

On Sunday evening we drove Gravy and Dirt Bird and Marc down to Derry except that we forgot Dirt Bird and Marc at first and had to turn back to get them. We were going down to visit 2 of our lovely friends, the Derry Man and his beautiful Polish girlfriend Magdamigos. Everyone else stayed down their but me and Jamie had to head back for work work in the morning.

Tuesday after work I had a qick drink with one of the hottest chicks in Ballymena, the girl that Gravy Dave scored with on Friday. She told me that she really dug the Gravy boy and that he had lovely hair. Dirt Bird and Marc called round later with their chips from the Merchant fish bar, all folorn because they fry everything in beef stock and they're both veggies. We then headed out to meet Scullion and Big Hand D for a coupla drinks. We'd already decided on the way up to the bar that we would take a detour down Badtoad street to see if their were any Badtoads about. The Badtoads are a family in Ballymena that all look the same. They all have the same bowl haircut and wear their trousers pulled up to their nipples. Dirt Bird hadn't seen them in years and Marc and Jamie had never seen them so we thought we'd treat ourselves.

On the way up I kept saying that it was too dark and cold for the Badtoads to be standing outside their door watching the world go by but lo and behold they were out. We didn't even have to go down their street as they were walking to Mcgroggan's for some midnight snacks. I asked Marc if he had a chance to see them properly but he hadn't. So Dirt Bird suggested we go to McGroggan's aswell. We did but I couldn't keep a straight face in the shop especially after Mammy Badtoad asked Son Badtoad if he wanted a pot noodle. Marc had to leave the shop and all Jamie cared about was getting a wham bar. Me and Dirt Bird laughed are heads off though.

Then we had a wee drinky with Scullion and Big Hand D who have just recently got engaged so congratulations to them. The reason we call Scullion's finacee Big Hand D is because he cut his hand on glass when he was really drunk, it got infected and his hand swoll up 3 times the size. He said when he was in hospital the meanest nurse in the world stood over his bed and demanded that he got up and had a shower. Big Hand D said he felt so awful that he wanted just to lie there in his own dirt and he didn't care if there were flies buzzing around him. Jamie said he could picture him wafting the flies away with his massive swollen hand.

On wednesday night I called round to the birthday girl's and gave her birthday wine and a birthday voucher for Waterstones. I normally avoid birthday vouchers but I wanted to give someone their birthday present on their actual birthday for the first time and I couldn't find anything that she would've liked.

So that brings me to this morning. I have had a lovely lie in while poor Jamie's gone to work and I plan to take things easy this weekend. There's something going down at Portglenone this weekend so we might head down for a bit of banter and a few swallies but other than that I'll be doing nathin'

Leaping Gracie

Leaping Gracie
Originally uploaded by hootchinhannah.

This a picture of Gracie running to give her mum birthday licks. I would've posted a pic of the birthday girl herself but I don't have any recent ones.


HAPPY BIRTHDAY ZOE

Hope that Gracie and Dave are spoiling you.

Go Gravy Dave

I'vve never done a drunken post before but hey, there's a first time for everything. It's been a good night. Gravy Dave has been here for a mere 24 hours and already managed to score with one of the hottest chicks in Ballymena. So proud of him. The girl involved is a dear friend of mine and who better to kiss her than another dear friend of mine. Go Gravy Dave. High five!

We also made some new friends tonight. Sometimes I hate this town but every once in a while you meet some people who surprise you. I also caught up with some old freinds. Always a pleasure. Well, nearly always.

So, yeah, drunken posts. They're really not all they're cracked up to be. Bit of a chore actually. I thought it would be a good idea but I'm beginning to diasagree with myself now. Sleep would be more fun.

Jamie the Brave

It's almost like someone is trying to tell Jamie that he shouldn't drive. Yesterday he was performing death defying stunts in it. He rolled the car over. It was either that or drive into the back of someone and although it was the more dangerous of the 2 options it was just as well he did. Miraculously there isn't a scratch on Jamie but the car is a write-off.

All the poor boy could think of afterwards was how was he going to get to work. So Nellybert came to the rescue. Bert picked Jamie and the wreck up and mum has lent Jamie the Nellymobile to get to work for the next few days. It's times like this I realise how big and strong and brave Jamie is. Not one single bump or lump on him and then back in behind the wheel of a car after a couple of hours. So brave.

The car has been a nightmare from the start and it hadn't been cleaned since our last camping holiday and was really starting to smell bad so I'm glad to see it go. Jamie is gutted but then it's his first car and I guess it's similar to your first love. It's a pain in the arse about the cost but at least my boy's not broken. I haven't seen the car yet but I'll make sure there's pictures on flickr.

Happy Big Face Jamie

Jamie on his hols
Originally uploaded by hootchinhannah.

This should've been posted last Saturday but I'm lame.


Happy 30Th Birthday Jamie Big Face now your face will grow even bigger. I love you pineapple eyes, more than the KenNedy's from Neighbours.

First Aid For Eejits

Today was the first day of my First Aid training course. The verdict: If anyone needs any First Aid I'll remember to shout for help and phone an ambulance (apparently a lot of people do forget to do this), if you need put in the recovery position that's no bother and I'll check you for broken bones and make sure you don't choke on your puke, but if you've stopped breathing and need ressucitated you will probably die. I couldn't make the button click on the dummy when I was ressuctating it and have been advised by the course leader to eat my weetabix tomorrow morning. I'm gonna practice on Jamie when he gets in tonight.

The course isn't too bad. It's a break from work. I like being back in the classroom. I like being a student again. Although I relaise this time I actually have to take it seriously as it's people's lives we're learning to save. I just hope I'm never in a situation where I need to use it.

As always there's some total eejit that says something stupid and, as always, it's me who says it. We were given several letters. G C L I P S. We were told they were the 1st letter to several words that were all different types of blood-loss wounds. He gave us the answer to G (graze) and told us to figure out the rest. We worked in groups and each group got the same answers. We all got all but one right. We all thought C was for cut but when the guy said they were all kinds of cuts and what else could it be, I yelled out

'Castration'

'Sorry, what?' yer fella says.

'Castration' says I 'You know when your hand is cut off or something'

'You mean amputation Hannah?' he says with a smile.

'Aye that's what I mean.'

'Castration's something else Hannah but we'll chat about that later' he says, still smiling, everyone laughing.

'Aye but it's still a blood-loss wound' says I, going bright red.

Is Blogger Trying To Tell Me Something?

I used all my Flickr allowance this month so I hijacked Jamie's flickr account. He never uses it anyway. I have added the link but Blogger is being a pain and won't show me the update so I don't know if it's worked.

Jamie says both gigs went well and that he had a good birthday. I spent last night round at Nellybert's laughing my head off at those Young Banjoes and eating homemade fudge that Zoe and I had made earlier in the day. It's a damn hard sweet to perfect but it doesn't matter what way it turns out it always tastes good.

This week I'm being relieved from the boredom of work and being sent on a First Aid course. I'm sure it will prepare me for any kind of emergency, and I won't just panic and forget everything I've been taught at the first sight of blood.

Jamie's back tomorrow and, as always, I'll be glad to see him. You can't help but miss abody when they go away. I didn't even send the poor babe a birthday card. I have an allergic reaction to birthdays, I can never get birthday cards or presents on time. My Granny's birthday card still sits here in my living room. Shame on me*

Gravy Dave's visit is in the horizon. I look forward to showing Ballymena to Gravy. He is already quite well versed in the lingo so he should get on fine. I think people will have more trouble understanding him than he will them. He'll love the dogs and he'll love Harry. Harry will probably like Dave as he's one of them cat magnets. Rosie will probably want to marry him and Paddy will knock him to the ground if they play tugger. Fun will be had by all.

* No, really, shame on me.

In Dreams

It has always been my dream to travel. Although really, I would like to make that dream a reality. But until it becomes a reality, there are always dreams. Last night I dreamt I was in Kenya. It was the most amazing feeling. I could hear all the jungle noises and I had this overwhelming sense of achievement that I had actually made it. I was in Africa. I climbed up to a wooden platform where I was meant to board an elephant. Only they weren't elephants but camels. I was petrified of getting on to one at first but when I did it was easier than riding a horse. The hump gave extra support which made me feel secure.

I love dreams like that. The only one that comes close to it is a dream I had about a guy who took his pet lion to the pub. The lion took a disliking to me and pinned me up against the wall. It beared it's teeth and I knew in my heart it was going to bite my face off. I was filled with fear and knew that the lion would sense that and kill me. It's owner was shouting in the background, You have to look at it the right way. I used all my power and might to look at the lion in the right way which involoved not being scared anymore. I had to force myself to relax (while still pinned up against the wall by it). After a few seconds I saw something in the lion's eyes and I knew it wasbn't going to kill me anymore. I put my hands on the lion and ruffled it's mane like it was a doggy. That was my best dream ever. Only in dreams can we come so close to something so wild. Unless your crocdile dundee.

I Hear You Got Rid Of Your Tache

I was wondering whether to go to Sainsbury's or Tesco to get my biscuits and bread today. I decided upon Tesco as I'd been to Sainsbury's the last time and Tesco is closer. I'm so glad I did. The guy who worked at the deli was shouting something to a middle-aged female customer. It sounded like, he told me you got rid of your tache. I thought I must've heard him wrong as it would be an incredibly rude thing to say to a middle-aged lady, even if you knew her. I looked at the lady to see if she had a moustache but she didn't appear to. She also hadn't been sure of what he'd said and asked him to repeat himself. He went over to her and said 'He told me you'd got rid of your tache'. So I had heard him right. The lady self-consciously put her hand to her top lip and said 'No I haven't' , to which the deli man replied 'Well that's what he told me, maybe he was talking about another type of tache' and then he walked off chuckling. I couldn't help but chuckle too but the lady was not amused. I can't really blame her. A lady should not have her body hair disussed between men. It did make my day though.

Why The Wind Annoys Me

Today I'm in such a bad mood that I feel compelled to write a list of the things that have put me in a bad mood. They are in no particular order of how annoying I find them, just some of the things that have made me seethe. They wouldn't always annoy me but I'm feeling a bit stressed anyway.

1. The wind. It's a bully. I feel like pushing it around and messing up it's hair like it does to me but I can't and that annoys me even more.

2. Shoppers. Goddam, irritating, lazy, ungrateful bastards. Though some are so nice.

3. Coming home to find that Jamie has left for England for 5 days, has used all the milk and hasn't bothered his arse to go and get some more.

4. People who don't say thankyou. Rude, rude, just plain rude.

5. Babies and kids squealing their ugly little faces off. I think a consumer environment is bad for children. All those things they see that they want and they can't have. It's bound to end in tears. Kids should be banned from shops.

Well, I could only think of 5 and 3 of them are work related and the wind can't get me when I'm indoors and maybe it's not so bad after all. And when I think of some of the tragedies that some people have to go through I know that really I am lucky.

Wayer Brownies

Jamie was in the kitchen making brownies. Not tasty homemade ones. Just some from a packet. He shouts out to me,



I think I put too much water in.

How much were you meant to put in?

75 Mls

How much did you put in?

750 Mls

Aye, you put too much water in.

I think it should be ok.

Do you think? I think if it says 75 mls then 750 mls is too much water. You ruined it.

I diasagree. I think it will be ok. It looks ok.

Jamie, it does not look ok. You ruined it.

But the picture on the packet shows the water in the jug and thats where I filled it up too.

Jamie, you ruined it.

You ruined it.

Danny Departs

Jamie reckons his car sounds like the Millenium Falcon. I told him I could tell the make of a car by what it sounds like and his sounds like a Renault Clio. The old one. He insisted that it sounded like the Millenium Falcon and I told him that I'd never heard a Millenium Falcon before but his car definitely sounded like a Renault Clio, the old one, and maybe the Millenium Falcon did too.

Danny Boy left this evening but enjoyed his stay. The weather wasn't kind to him but Danny is such an easygoing lad that it didn't bother him. the day that it rained we took him and the dogs for a walk along Cully river path. We took him to Glenariff where we started on the Viewpoint trail, took a detour on the Pixie trail and then finished on the Waterfall trail. Then we took him to Ballycastle, had some food and played on the slots.

Last night we went to The Spinning Mill (that's what you call it when you don't want people to know that it's just the local Whetherspoon's) for a bite to eat. We ran into Kermie and a few old faces and decided to help them out with the most boring pub quizz ever. Their team tied with another and a representative from each team had to go up and answer a tie-breaker. The tie break question was; how many pounds sterling was spent on Viagra per minute for the first 3 months on the market. The other team guessed 3.4 million and Kermie's team guessed 12 million. The answer was 900 and something thousand. It's still lot of money but 12 million per minute is a hell of a lot of money. The whole world would've had to been buying it. In vast quantities.

We Live in Tracksuit City

Danny arrived safe and sound in Norn Iron. His first night here we were all a bit bushwhacked so we just sat around chatting and drinking. Jamie came back from the shop saying that it's like Tracksuit City out there. I've just walked past 7 guys all wearing the same tracksuit.

Danny says I've just had an image of 7 people all in one huge tracksuit.


I'm sure there are people out there with tracksuits so huge 7 people could fit in them. We did have some intelligent conversation though. I have a new project. I'm going to research playground games and how they differ between cultures and decades. Anyone remember British Bulldog or Red Rover? They were some of the games I played as a youngster. Danny also has a new project. To create and maintain The Danny Show, purely for mine and Jamie's benefit only. Jamie's new project is to write about mine and Danny's new projects. So there you go, one night amongst friends and we all have a purpose in life now.

There Was A Fella Named Ed

Nelly asked me to write a poem about Ed. Here goes...

There was a fella named Ed,
And on his pretty wee head,
He had no pimples,
Just lovely dimples,
But if you tell him this he will go red.


So there ya go Ed, I can feel the heat from your face already. Apologies for the cheesiness...Nelly made me do it.

Goodbye Pirate John, Hello Pirate Dan

It used to be that I had too much time on my hands but nothing to write about. Now I have plenty to write about but no time. Pirate John and his Capatains and Admirals left on Tuesday evening. I met with them after work for a drink and asked John for the 117th time what his favourite bit of Ireland was. For the 117th time he replied, 'The Belfast Cow Show', even though he wasn't there and just saw an advert. I asked him again and he said it was all good but that he particularly enjoyed meeting Nelly and Bert. Well John, they enjoyed meeting you too and that wonky legged chicken hasn't seemed right since you left. I think it misses you.

Now it is Thursday and I have another friend coming to visit tonight. Young Danny Boy, who is sweet, young and who has a lot of love to give to the world. Danny is also a bit of a Pirate but only if he has important functions to attend, like fancy dress parties. We'll maybe get one of them organised. I'll go as a cat. Jamie could've been Phil Collins if he hadn't got his hair cut.

Still Lame

Last night mum invited the travelling pirates out to hers for a big feed of spicy chicken drumsticks and apple sponge. I'm sure if you take a wee visit over to Nelly's Garden you'll hear all about it. On Sunday we met with Mr and Mrs. Toaster at the Galgorm Manor Labryinth (formerly known as Gillies). I'm sure if you take a wee visit over to Nelly's Garden you'll hear all about it. On Saturday we went up to Belfast to meet some fellow bloggers. Again, if you take a wee visit over to Nelly's Garden I'm sure you'll hear all about it.

Before all that we were camping in Connermara with the Pirates. I can't pass the buck on to Nelly with that one as she wasn't there but I'm sure you'll hear all about it. Eventually. And there will be some photos. Eventually.