Two New Songs and a Bouncy Ball

I was going to put up some photos of Ziggy the Beach Dog when we were on our road trip but blogger seems to have changed and I can't see any options to upload photos. Surely this can't be?

Perhaps the doctor's prescription of smarties wasn't such a bad idea as I seem to have perked up considerably. On Saturday night Ziggy and I headed out and I realise now that Ziggy is much more popular, more memorable and more loved than I am but this is the advantage of being a wee hairy dog baby with a little button nose and floppy ears. It was a fun night and it ended up with the usual friendly debate I have with everyone, in which I get accused of being naive because I truly believe that the world will become a better place.

Work has been more tolerable. The course has been a reminder of one of my most difficult ongoing challenges, which is my tendancy to procrastinate because of crippling insecurities. I ask myself everyday if I'm ready to be a counsellor and my heart and soul say yes and then my mind pipes in telling me all kinds of reasons why I'm not ready. On the plus side, all of the worry and doubt around the course has been replaced by lots of creative inspiration. I might not be focusing on my studies as much as I feel I should but I've written two new songs in a week and so at least I'm being productive in some way. This consoles me. Also, I made a bouncy ball. I told my tutors this when they asked each of us to say one positive thing that had happened that week with regards to our placement. One of them looked baffled. I thought she was questioning my commitment but she just wanted to know how I had made a bouncy ball.

Ubudubuda

After all this time I have finally figured out what language Ziggy speaks. It's "Ubudubuda". He totally understands it. When I tell him to get off the table in Ubudubada he does exactly as I say. But, who knows, perhaps tomorrow he will speak a different language.

I feel like I have a devil and an angel on each shoulder at the minute. One is saying "Be yourself. It leads to the road of happiness". The other is saying "Don't be yourself. It gets you into trouble". The thing is, I'm not sure which is saying which. Is it the angel saying "Be yourself" because she wants me to be happy, or is she saying "Don't be yourself" because she wants to protect me? Or is the devil saying "Don't be yourself" because he wants me to be miserable, or is he saying "Be yourself" because he knows it will get me into trouble? Is that confusing? It must be because I'm confused.

It must be the angel who has the loudest voice and she must be saying "Be yourself" because she does want me to find happiness. The devil is saying "Don't be yourself" because he thinks he can hold me back with fear. As always, I'm skirting around the real issue but I'm raw. I feel like the universe is challenging me to dare to be myself. I am torn between this embarassment that if I bear my soul no one will understand, and this self-belief that tells me it doesn't matter if they understand.

Self doubt affects us all. For some people it's a mild affliction but for others it is all-consuming. I don't want to be consumed with self doubt and after a long time and a lot of hard work I became more sure of myself. It really does feel like the universe is throwing me curve balls in the form of people who come into my life who seem intent in filling me with that self-doubt that I worked so hard to shake off. I can't focus on that though because the universe has also thrown me a couple of life lines in the form of people who accept me as I truly am. So again, I go back to that feeling like I have an angel and a devil on my shoulders, trying to weigh a little heavier than the other, tipping the scales.

Ziggy also has an angel and a devil on his shoulders. I don't know what kind of conversations they have with him but depending on whose speaking the loudest he can be the dirtiest, devil dog or the sweetest, most beautiful angel. Even though I already knew it I have had a few lessons reaffirmed today: We all have our angels and demons and, mostly, we're all just doing the best we can with the tools we've been given.

Ziggy and the GCDC's

There's a lot of adult type stuff in my head at the minute. It's no bad thing. I am an adult after all. It mostly revolves around learning to drive and getting a placement for my course. There's a small bit of worry, just enough to spur me on, but I will not to succumb to big time worrying because I have faith that everything will fall into place.

Spending time with my eldest niece is also forcing me to assume my adult authority. I got away with being easygoing funtime auntie Hannah for quite a number of years. Now I have to say 'no' a lot more and learn to feel ok about that. The only time I really have to put my foot down is when we go to the shops and M sees things that she wants. She hasn't quite grasped the concept of money yet. When I tell her I can't afford it she says "But Hannah, you can just go to the bank machine."

The second time I took her up the town M promised me we wouldn't argue. We did. She wanted a Frozen sticker set. Then she saw a balloon and it nearly broke her heart that I didn't buy it. This is when it became clear to me. She just couldn't help herself. She saw, she wanted. The miracle with children is that they live in the immediate moment. Five minutes later and a small lolly in her mouth and all the day's woes are forgotten.

I had both girls round for a playdate on Saturday. The youngest came up the stairs and said "We're here for a celebrate". We celebrated by bouncing on the bed and playing with small stones. M wanted to go up the town and get stuff. I said no. M said "But Hannah, E's here this time and she'll probably have a tantrum and I will help you with her." I gave her credit for her ability to negotiate but the answer was still no.

The GCDC's is the pretend name of our pretend band. We have accquired a new member and two bass guitars. The instruments are the only thing about our pretend band that isn't pretend. As it turns out, both Gus and Jakers are naturals on the bass guitar. I am selling my saxophone to a guy I know who plays drums in a band. He's a bit of a musical genius so he'll pick the sax up no problem and, when he does, I plan to poach him for the GCDC's. I also know a clarinet player, a tin whistler and a mouth organist. Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros better watch out 'cos there's a new hippie collective in town. And we have a dog!

Sit, Lie Down, Play Dead and Roll Over

Ziggy fell in love the other night. He's fallen for bitches before but I think this time it's the real deal. Her name is Ella and Ziggy let her eat his dinner. I have nothing to report in my own life. The days are full of laughing and talking in stupid voices. I've told Gus that one day I am going to speak to him only in rhymes.

Spending time with my eldest niece once a week has been wonderful. Last week we built a snowman. Of course I say 'we', it was actually me who did all the building while M ra around in the snow giggling about hom much fun it was to run in the snow. Yesterday we did arts and crafts and in no time M had decorated both a tiara and mirror with time to spare to do a drawing for her Daddy. We also did the apple dance to this song, which entertained Gus greatly!

Ziggy is a clever boy but, like me, he just has to do things his own way. Since he mastered the roll over trick he has no time to wait for commands. In his eagerness to receive a tasty reward, when I ask him to 'sit' Ziggy sits, lies down, plays dead and rolls over in one foul swoop. Here's a little video I took of him. It's not great quality and a bit distorted (seemingly the dropping my phone down the toilet incident had some repurcussions) and you might have to tilt your head but other than that, it's great! Here is my wee man.

Tom Cruisin' It

Isn't it Sod's law that after years and years of owning a bog standard phone, as soon as I get a newfancy one I start being very careless. There was the time I lost it in work and it was found by a manager in amongst the cheese. I lost it a few weeks ago but it was in my friend's car. Yesterday something worse happened. New T.Shirts had arrived in work and I was rooting through the box for a small size. They were all gone and I said to my manager that the boys were probably taking them to show off their muscles. It was tea time and I'd just walked upstairs and into the toilets. My phone beeped. I read the text message, which was from my boss telling me she'd found a small t.shirt and had it stashed away for me. I put the phone in my pocket, flushed the toilet and felt my phone slip from my pocket down the toilet. My second Trainspotting Moment. The phone seems to be alright. It's a bit glitchy but I can make phonecalls and texts and check the net. I have said before that I just don't believe in insurance.

Ziggy and I are both pretty scunnered with the weather now. I have relaxed a bit with walking him everyday, as long as he never goes two days in a row without a decent walk and they days he doesn't get I make sure I have visitors round to play with him. On Wedensday I went to the Lovely Mel's for lunch. Her mum has two black and tan Jack Russell bitches called Smudge and Midge, or Fudge and Smidge, I can never get it right. Luckily for me Ziggy is always on his best behaviour when we visit other dog's houses (except for his Granny's) and he behaved like a perfect gentleman, despite Smudge barking at him incessantly the whole time he was there. I was glad to see someone else's dog be neurotic for a change.

In the pipeline for 2015 will hopefully be more music making, more laughing, a day-in-the-life video of what Ziggy gets up to at his Granny's house, hanging with the eldest niece every Thursday for the next month or so (I have alrady learned how to play 'Let It Go' from Frozen so M and I can perform it), PASSING MY DRIVING TEST, further consideration of illustrators for various children's book projects, adventuring (a trip to Buckna does me these days), and general happiness. And no doubt 2015 will throw some romance my way which I will mention every once in while, cryptically, in case it all blows up in my face. It's just not cool to do a Tom Cruise on your blog.

Night In With Neighbours (Not The Twits)

There's that boy Fly again. Super handsome pooch. Ziggy wants to be just like him. As Ziggy grows older I see the dynamics changing. He still adores Judy and Jess but they grew tired of him long ago. Jess doesn't play with him so much. Luckily for Ziggy, Fly is always up for larking around. I have also noticed that Ziggy and Maya, my sister's dog, have become very fond of each other.

I know that Ziggy has grown up because I very rarely send him to bed these days. In fact, I would say that has something to do with the departure of Meka. I wonder if he is better behaved because he thinks in, his little doggy head, that I could very easily get rid of him. Maybe it's just coincidental. He still likes to bark at nothing sometimes but he's a good boy mostly. Older niece agrees with me and I never ask her if Ziggy was a good boy at Granny's anymore. I used to ask her this every Thursday and her answer was always "no" followed by the exact reason why he wasn't a good boy.

We do miss Meka. Ziggy was unsettled for a couple of nights when she went. It took me two weeks to finally take her cage down and give it to Jakers. That was part laziness and part holding on to her and, if I'm totally honest, I'd say it was 70% laziness 30% holding on. I did toy with the idea of getting a couple of baby rats because I thought that they would probably be even closer to Ziggy and sleep curled up in his fur. Then I went to the pet shop and saw two adults who needed to be adopted because nobody wanted them and I thought if I was going to get more rats I'd be better to take the ones nobody wanted. And then I told myself to wise up I had enough to contend with looking after Ziggy.

It's Saturday night again. I have no plans as yet but the night is young. The night is young though I am old. Or at least my body is old and I was partying last Saturday and Wednesday night so if I spend an evening watching old episodes of Neighbours I'll be content.

Super Pooch

This week has been productive. I got Ziggy's dog licence renewed (that means it's been a year since the Twits complained about Ziggy's early morning barking), oil to heat the house, issues in work sorted and I even had time to squeeze in a coffee date. I also caught up with Gus and we worked on the blues song, which has yet to be named. The course is going great and I've handed in my first bit of homework. I am very much the same kind of student I was 10 years ago, and that is the kind that leaves everything to the last minute. That's ok though because I procrastinate in style and I'm continously doing "research".

Last week went by in a flurry of annoyances at work and catching up with family. I had some class mates round for drinks on Wednesday night and I had pizza and cider with some work mates on Saturday night. When you're young you just have mates. When you get to a certain age you start to define your mates by how you know them. I still long for the day when I can write..."on Tuesday I went to the forest and climbed trees with my soul mates." It'll happen, I know it will.

Ziggy is officially no longer a devil dog. He is a super pooch. He has learned to relax more and he has realised it's nice to cuddle beside me. Our bond grows stronger every day and I no longer feel guilty for leaving the house without him. He is much more accepting than I ever gave him credit for. Also, the flatmate keeps him company a lot of the time. He has become the dog I dreamed of and, despite this, I found myself looking at him the other night and mourning his puppyhood. We humans are very strange indeed.

The Pee Game

Yesterday I played a game with my nieces when we were out for our dog walk. The game was called "Guess How Many Times Ziggy Will Pee Even Before We Get To The Riverpath". I placed my bet at 11. Z decided 9. Younger Niece didn't really understand the game but she guessed 10 anyway while Older Niece put her bet at 16 but decided to go for 12 upon her mother's advice. Ziggy seemed to understand we were playing a game and he made it all very exciting and tense for us. He was on pee number 9 and we were still round the corner from the path. I knew he would squeeze a few more out but he teased us by cocking his leg then changing his mind. Pee number ten came out and this knocked Z out of the game and put Younger Niece in pole position. Ziggy toyed with us some more before pee number 11 came out when we were just metres away from the path. It was looking like Ziggy knew the score and wanted me to win but then he made a u turn, went back to some nettles, lifted the leg and pee number 12 came out. Older Niece was delighted that she won the game and wanted to play a similar one to see how many poohs he would do.

Later in the evening I called round to see Sunshine and Moonshine. We drank some beer and cider and went to the park. I think it's a real shame that adults have to wait to sun down before they can have some fun at the park but until they build official play parks for grown ups we don't really have much choice. We all concluded that swings are just not what they used to be. Still great fun but health and safety has meant they are not as high as they used to be and the bars are not as flexible, preventing you from swinging so incredibly high that you might go up and over the bars. Health and Safety are like a real old, boring couple that spoils everyone's fun.

Ziggy hates it when I procrastinate. The wallpaper in the bathroom had been peeling for quite some time and it had been on my 'to do' list to buy some paint and redecorate. Ziggy had a wee go at removing some of the wall paper for me. On Wednesday when I was feeling sad and blue I started to rip the wallpaper off. It was a perfect activity to be at considering my frame of mind. I just wanted something kind of mindless, and a little bit destructive, to be at. Then, of course, I couldn't put off buying the paint as I'd already started the job so off I went to B and Q and bought the most expensive paint I could get for a bathroom. Because that's what you do when you haven't much money! So that's probably gonna be my project for the day.