I have learnt that to spew some words down on a page helps me release my emotions. It stops them whirring around my brain and when I can view those thoughts and feelings in black and white I can finally let them go. I suffer from depression. It has taken me a long time to figure this disease out. And it is a disease. And there is no permanent cure. Just ways of coping. When I am happy I am positively the most wonderful person I can be. I relish in spreading joy, peace, happiness and laughter. When I am feeling depressed I am incapable of this and this leads to further feelings of hopelessness. How am I meant to feel good if I am unable to make anyone else feel good?
I find the reasons for my bouts of depression rather annoying. Lonliness, low self esteem, feelings of worthlessness and the fact that life is such a challenge at times. We work, work, work and for what? I find it hard to see why I should bother living in this sham of a world. I am totally disillusioned. Some people breeze through life. Others don't. Some of those that don't are stoical and just get on with it. I become depressed. I see no joy in the world. I am uninspired. I feel like everything's a struggle. I force myself to do as much as possible and it is exhausting. I feel guilty for the things I didn't do. The shark and the ram draw blood and bruise me. I am fragile. My eyes well up with tears when I think of the sadness inside of me. The sadness is bursting and trying to seep through every pore. People don't get it. People really don't understand a disease they can't see.
This is especially a problem for loved ones who can feel like nothing they do is good enough because they can't take away the hurt for you. Everyone involved is, in a way, powerless. Until you remember that you have the strength and the ability to regain the power of your feelings. Sometimes, though, even this is too hard.
So, I muddle on. And, recently, I've learnt ways to help myself. These are only small things but even the small things can make a bit of a difference. I have learnt better how to release some of my sadness without it being etched all over my face. I smile at everyone because when they smile back it takes a little bit of the edge off. I have also learnt to not let these periods of sadness completely envelope me. The sadness is there but it's not the only thing that's there. A tiny shred of hope forever remains. A tiny shred of hope that I fought hard to get and am not going to give up so easily. This is what really gets me through the sad times. I know they'll pass because everything does.
2 comments:
I am running out of time at present Miss Hannah, Phew . . . . . I think things should happen in a linear way not all or nothing it would be so much easier for everyone.
Not much I can say to help as a strange voice typing away in cyberspace, but try not to feel worthless I suspect no one else thinks so and we tend to be our own worst critics. We are after all, all sort of equalish in the end sort of. None of us can fix the world and its myriad of problems, all we can do it wave a pointy stick at the small bits around us and hope for the best.
Remember that come what may one small dog thinks you are the best person in the world by far.
Take care and you don't need to smile if you don't want to, I find being grumpy much better......
Thankyou Rob. I like that you call me Miss Hannah. It makes me think of To Kill A Mockingbird, which is one of my all time favourite books.
You have already been a big help to me Rob...by encouraging me to write this blog, which gives me something to focus on. And I do need reminded that I can't fix the world of it's problems. I am already feeling much better.
And yes, my wee pup is such a comfort to me.
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