Credit In A Straight World

I just had the lovliest weekend. But prior to that I have a good couple of weeks. It has taken me a long time to get to where I am but I'm here now and that's what matters. I have spent many years looking at my life in terms of what I haven't acheived. I haven't got a proper job. I haven't started a family. I haven't written a book. Now it's time to start giving myself credit for the things I have acheived. I have plunged into the unknown by going to Thailand and working as a teacher. This did wonders for my confidence. It also helped me to break away from a truly destructive relationship.

I went to South America by myself. I didn't last as long as I'd hoped to but I still did it. And, not only that, I worked my goddam ass off to save the money to get there. I proved to myself that I was willing to do anything to acheive a lifelong dream. I left behind the guy that I loved because I had faith in us that we would last the distance. And we did. And we're still ploughing through everything that life has to throw at us because life won't stop throwing stuff at us just because we survived the 1st round.

The realisations I have made in the past couple of weeks are tremendous milestones. We often measure things in term of happiness but right now I am content with this feeling of inner strength.

I have had a recurring dream for well over a year now. In the dream I am in Lopburi, Thaialnd where I taught English. I am always looking for Tobie's bar which is where all my friends and I hung out. In all my dreams I never reach it though I am always so eager to see Brad, Tobie and Gift. Last night I got there. I made it to Tobie's and I spoke to him. I asked him how everyone was. When I woke up I knew that I'd made it. This dream has represented me looking for a part of myself that I had lost along the way. The feeling of accomplishment was overwhelming. I made it to Tobie's bar after all this time and all those dreams. And today I feel a little bit lighter.