Trying

I mentioned a few days ago about how I was grieving a lot of different things all at the one time. Well, I forgot something. Me and J had been watching a TV series called 'An American Horror Story'. I really am not a TV person but it was nice to get into a show. It was nice to get excited every Monday when the new episode would be shown. The last one aired 2 weeks ago. It coincided with the death of everything else. Perhaps it is what pushed me over the edge (it's a shame there isn't a font for melodrama, I could see it being useful).

I was also giving off about TV and video games as a form of escapism. I still don't agree with it but in my time of struggle it has proved a great comfort to me. Both mum and I are obsessed with watching 'Hoarders'. It's a U.S. show about people who accumulate an awful lot of toot and never throw it away. Mum can identify slightly. The whole prospect of holding onto inanimate objects is alien to me. I just don't get attached to things the way some people do. That is why I am ruthless in a clearout. Perhaps I should head over to the states and get myself a job as a personal organiser. Not that I'm much good at organising my own life. I'm just good at getting rid of crap.

I'm taking Rocky to the vets today. He's lost a lot of weight and doesn't seem himself. I feel so bad for the poor wee guy (I can't call him big guy anymore). The past few weeks have been so tough on him as well and, unlike me, he hasn't the ability to understand it. First Pepe died and he was so sad. Then we got the babies and he was ok for a day or two. Then me and J broke up and I wasn't around for a few days and when I came back I took him somewhere totoally different to what he was used to. I kind of feel that I should have left him at the flat with J but he would have been starved of attention due to J's training regime. It's so fricking hard being a parent. At the back of my mind I am picturing worst case scenario, which is Rocky having a respiratory infection like Pepe did. I don't know if I can cope with anymore loss. Hopefully, whatever it is, I'll be getting him to the vet before it's too late. Please God let him be ok. Please.