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Monday, December 12, 2011

I Wish

Why can't I feel like this instead? How come I was more mature back then? Something tells me I shouldn't write this post, feeling the way I do, but I don't care. I want the world to know how I feel. Yes, there are good break-ups, but when they're shit, they're shit. And this one's shit.

Apparently, many people will have you believe, the universe is unfolding as it should. If that is so then what the fuck is the universe trying to tell me? Because I'm bored of this unfolding and thinking that, finally, everything's gonna be ok only to be slapped in the face and right back at square one. Yes, I am talking about the unravelling of my relationship. But, I'm also talking about it all, life in general.

I have nothing solid or concrete. I have focused more on trying to be the best person I could rather than 'grounding' myself. Part of my quest for self approval (a tough one as I have very high standards) was to experience the world a little and broaden my horizons. And now I look back on my quest of self discovery and realise that achieving my dream of travel is what broke me in the end. So, how can I believe in anything anymore, let alone true love? And how can you have a soul mate if you have no soul?


Nelly said...

Everything is never completely OK. Sometimes you get to thinking it is and those are the good times and you should enjoy them.

The bad times, when you know it is definitely not OK, you have to tough those out and wait for the good times to roll in again.

And you're far too flipping hard on yourself.

Hails said...

Sorry to read this. Shit break-ups are hell on earth. They also - as Nelly said - make you far too hard on yourself. You can't use the break-up to make sweeping judgements and critical statements about yourself - only about the relationship. It broke. You didn't.

I know there's nothing I can say about it that will help in any way. Time's the only thing that will work, blah blah blah. But I can grab you and give you a shake (well, virtually speaking) re: the "life in general" remarks. I occasionally struggle, myself, with the not having anything solid or concrete, but never for long. What you have is richer and more valuable than a whole houseful of possessions and a foot on the corporate ladder. You have experiences, and you have opportunities. Don't look at it as going back to square one, but more as turning over the page and finding yourself at a new chapter. Plus, you get to write it yourself! If solid and concrete is what you really want, you can get it... or you can choose another option. There are plenty. I know it's hard to be excited about the next chapter right now, but you will be - trust me!

Anonymous said...

Everything Nelly and Hails said was spot on. Things seem hard now but will be a little bit less hard each day. You are loved so much because of who you are. Dad x

Nelly said...

"You are loved so much because of who you are."

Well said Mick! I second that.

Anonymous said...

i second everything already said and hannah, you have a beautiful soul. i'll remind you of that when i get home. i'll be back next wednesday. hang on in there my darling it'll get easier xxx
Love Dirt bird