Mud Madness

Well, Christmas went by in a busy, blurry haze. Work was crazy the whole week before. My one day of reprieve was Friday, which was meant to be spent meeting Zoe and the girls for early morning coffee, a bit of last minute present buying, wrapping and delivering, meeting Mel for a while and a little bit of chilling. On Thursday I had a doctor's appointment. We were crazy in work and I had to leave at half four to make the doc's in Cullybackey. The shop was closing at half five but I said I'd call back to get a bit more done. I was out of the doc's by ten past five, moms kindly picked me up and dropped me back in Ballymena. I spent half an hour in work before going to get my haircut. It needed it, badly. I was in and out of the hairdressers in twenty minutes. I went back into work and stayed til ten past seven. I went home, changed my clothes, briefly said hello to Jakers and headed straight back out to meet Dirt Bird at the pub. I was there fifteen minutes before she arrived and it was the first time I stopped all day.

Then Dirt Bird arrived and we hugged and chatted, and then more people arrived and we drank and we chatted. There were guitars and singing and new friends and old friends and it was one of those nights where Richard was begging us to leave so he could lock up. Clearly in the mood for more drinking and merriment Dirt Bird and I headed to someone's house with a few others. That was when things started getting a bit hazy. I do remember, however, that it was about 4 O'Clock in the morning before I suddenly declared that I had to go home and eat. And five minutes later some kind of warm cheesy toastie was place in front of me, of which I ate half and then proceeded to start a fight with Dirt Bird. The fight was very brief and we made up five minutes later, whilst crying and hugging on the sofa. By which time it was 7 O'Clock in the morning and Jakers was phoning me wondering where I was. He was up for training. So I made the short five minute walk home, but not without slipping in the muddy grass and arriving at the door to Jakers a drunken, emotional, muddy mess.

Needless to say that the next day was a total washout. None of which really mattered except not meeting Z for coffee. It was the first time I've ever let down a 2 year old because of booze and it did not feel good. I did meet Mel though and introduced her to the delights of a mint frappe. Perfect for an overhang.

My Lovely Laptop

I have just transferred all my music from the old laptop to my new baby, I mean, new laptop. This included the music I pillaged from mum's collection. I have also been on a crazed downloading spree. I am committing the mortal sin of using itunes as my medium of choice. I know it's blasphemous but it's just so handy. I am in music heaven. I never know what song's gonna play next but I know it's gonna be awesome.

I've been using LastFM to discover new music. You just have to put in the name of a band you like and it will reccommend lots of similar bands. Somehow, I stumbled upon the amazing Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros and they are my new favourite band. I love the fact the lead singer, Alex Ebert, looks like Jesus. I also love the fact that the band played their first gig in a place called Marfa.

Music never used to be something I had to work at to get. If I came across a band I liked I'd just go to my dad's CD collection and, more than likely, discover that he had every album they ever made. Sometimes I ask him now what I should be listening to. But sometimes he keeps secrets from me. Like Melissa Auf Der Maur. I had to discover her all by myself. I guess I'm a big girl now. Not only that, my dad is the odd time disappointed in me for liking someone he hates, like Jose Gonzalez and Ray Lamontagne.

Break Your Back Mountains

I have learnt something about myself. A few days ago I felt totally hopeless. I had given up on a lot of things. My patience ran out and I hit rock bottom, yet again. It's common knowledge that we often have to be in the depths before we can rise above everything again. Sometimes people's ups and downs in life can be more dramatic. When they are going up in life they are climbing Mount Everest. It's a long way up and a long way down. The ups and downs are more gradual, with longer gaps between reaching the summit and falling back down again. My ups and downs seem more like I'm climbing Slemish. More of a hill, really, than a mountain. I don't seem to go too far before I'm falling back down again. The cycle comes round again so much more quickly. I guess I should probably try climbing Everest.

And, I shouldn't dwell too much on the falling down part, just be greatful that I have the most amazing people in my life to help me back on my feet. And I guess I should look past the summit of little old Slemish and see the great rolling hills behind it. They're a bit snowy at the minute but they'll be thawed in a week or two.

In the meantime, it is Christmas and there is plenty to be getting on with. There is even time to sit in front of the computer wishing I could be as flexible and agile as Lil Crabe here who can only be described as a breakdancing contortionist. It takes him a wee minute to get warmed up but please give him time as he's pretty damn awesome.

I Wish

Why can't I feel like this instead? How come I was more mature back then? Something tells me I shouldn't write this post, feeling the way I do, but I don't care. I want the world to know how I feel. Yes, there are good break-ups, but when they're shit, they're shit. And this one's shit.

Apparently, many people will have you believe, the universe is unfolding as it should. If that is so then what the fuck is the universe trying to tell me? Because I'm bored of this unfolding and thinking that, finally, everything's gonna be ok only to be slapped in the face and right back at square one. Yes, I am talking about the unravelling of my relationship. But, I'm also talking about it all, life in general.

I have nothing solid or concrete. I have focused more on trying to be the best person I could rather than 'grounding' myself. Part of my quest for self approval (a tough one as I have very high standards) was to experience the world a little and broaden my horizons. And now I look back on my quest of self discovery and realise that achieving my dream of travel is what broke me in the end. So, how can I believe in anything anymore, let alone true love? And how can you have a soul mate if you have no soul?

Learning the Hard Way

It's hard to believe I'm turning 30 next year. Especially when I make the kind of foolish mistakes that shouldn't be made by someone who is nearly 30.

I've been suffering from a nasty cough for a few weeks now. Jakers had it before me and I was hoping I wouldn't get smited because I could see how it was one of those lingering ones. The cough, for me, is particularly bad at night so I bought myself a cough bottle. I have went through pretty much every single cold and flu of my life without medicating myself. The first real flu I ever had (a freshers flu at uni) I got by on just a vicks inhaler. I didn't realise I had flu because I never had one before. And, I wasn't aware of flu remedies.

So every single cold I've had I've just muggled on because it was never as bad as that flu. But someone told me recently "When you feel pain, that's God's way of reminding you to take painkillers". I'm not a of purist though. I have munched my way through endless packets of pills when I've been suffering from frequent bouts of toothache. But colds never seem to warrant medication.

So, I bought myself a cough bottle, which helped me get a half decent sleep at least. When the bottle ran out and the cough had not shifted I went to the medicine cabinet and hoked out a bottle of medicine I was prescribed for blocked sinuses and ears. I somehow equated this medicine with my Boots cough bottle. Medicine's medicine, surely? Especially when they both come in the same form of a gloopy, sweet syrup. Bound to soothe the throat. Well, it did. And I still only used it at night when the cough was worse.

After a few days of feeling woozy, lightheaded and weak I tried to think about what was making me feel this way. The fact that I've completely cut sugar and e-numbers from my diet made me think I could be suffering from sugar withdrawal. A quick search on the internet showed that some of the symptoms were similar but after two weeks the worst of it should have been over. I've been off sugar for two months now. Another quick internet search showed that the medicine pseudoephedrine is much more likely to be the cause. It is a nasal and sinus decongestant and does nothing at all for a dry tickly cough. It is also a stimulant and it's adverse effects include anxiety, excitability, dizziness and palpitations.

So, it seems, the pseudoephedrine is the culprit for why I feel so goddam awful. Everytime I breathe in I feel lightheaded and woozy. This wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have to constantly breathe in. But, sadly, I do. My energy levels are worse than they've ever been and I feel like I'm wading through mud. I have butterflies in my tummy and I just want to sleep for a million years. I threw the medicine in the bin yesterday but I guess I just need to work the rest out of my system. And, not only that, before I was taking the medicine my sinuses were 100 per cent and now I can feel them getting all sore and sensitive. At the grand age of 29, I have learnt the all important lesson of only taking prescription medicines for what they were, initially, prescribed for.