The Dumb Things People Say

Everyone says stupid things. Here are some examples of the stupid things I say:

'Who is Mo Mowlam anyway?' My mum would swear this is the dumbest thing I've ever said but I think it is a perfectly reasonable question to ask.

'Are Buzzards called buzzards because the buzz?' At the time this seemed like a perfectly reasonable question to ask but now looking back I realise that it is a little bit silly.

Last night while watching a wildlife programme with Jamie and Bert. Jamie said he seen a dragonfly at work the other day. Bert says to him maybe it was a damsel fly he saw. Jamie reckoned it maybe coulda been. I says,

'Is it Kingfishers that are the wee blue ones?'

Jamie says, 'A Kingfisher's a bird Hannah'

'Oh aye, so it is.'


The funniest thing I've heard anyone say came from the mouth of Bertram. It was years ago and Jaffa cakes were doing a promotional thing where if you collected tokens and sent them away they would send you a glow-in-the-dark toy. I can't remember what the toy was but Bert was sat at the kitchen table scoffing the Jaffa's and investigating the box when he rips a Jaffa cake open and says,

'Do these things really glow in the dark?'

God only knows what damage we'd be doing to our internal organs if we really ate glow in the dark Jaffa cakes but Bert didn't seem to mind too much.

Careers Advise

So what exciting thing did I do on my day off? I went for an interview with a careers advisor. And was it inspiring and insightful? Of course it wasn't. I told the lady my position (working in retail, degree in sociology). I told her my plans for the future (further study, possibly a course in counselling or teacher training and then specialising in special needs tutoring) And was she encouraging? Was she f**k. She told me that counselling was difficult to get a full-time profession out of and it is more common to do counselling within a professional career such as nursing or social work. She told me they would be unlikely to accept me for a PGCE course as my degree wasn't relevant enough and, even then, to branch off into specialised tutoring was difficult to make a full-time career out of. She then asked me if I was interested in buisness, admin, office work or call-centres to which I promptly answered No. She then proceeded to encourage me to look into social work and nursing both of which I would rather avoid. It got to the point where I just wanted to yell at her 'Forget it, tell me how to become a carpenter.'

Damn!

I just checked to see if my link worked. It doesn't. Boooo! One more try then I give up. Click here to see the the new man of dreams. And if that doesn't work the correct web adress to access it (the one below is wrong, typical) http://www.fat-pie.com/chavs.htm

My New Darling

Our good friend Big Hand D, who was also in Derry with us last night, introduced us to this
charming young fellow. I think he's lovely and if I had the good fortune to meet this handsome fellow I would snap him up straight away and not waste a second before introducing him to my granny. This link probably won't work so if you're wondering what gorgeous sexy person I'm talking about you can also find him at www.fat-pie.com and scroll to the bottom for an interview with the beautiful Darren Banks, my future-to-be husband. Thanks Big Hand D for saving me from a future of misery with Jamie when my heart belongs to a greater man.

Derry and Dogs

Me and the mister have just got back from Derry after celebrating the big Derry Man's birthday. His lovely girlfriend Magda organised a surprise party for him and we were the surprise. We bought him a bottle of wine and a copy of the Beano. The Derry Man's family were also there and what a lovely family they are. They forced me to sing a song on the guitar and even though I was shaky and nervous they told me it was lovely. Steve;s mum said I had a lovely voice but I just need to work on my confidence. Derry definitely seems like a good place to move for a while. Me and Jamie like the vibe down there. At the minute anywhere seems better than Ballymena.

Me and Jamie and Zoe took the dogs a walk down the back lane at Nellybert's one day last week. Zoe wanted to find a field to throw ball for the dogs. The first field had cows so we walked on. Jamie stayed to talk to the cows for a bit. Zoe and I and the dogs moved on to the next field. The dogs were running round the field and Jamie started walking down to us and the cows started following him. It was then that we realised that it was the same field. We yelled at Jamie to stop walking as all the cows were running behind him. It was too late. Gracie had spotted the cows and charged full steam ahead. She chased them cows and once she was on their trail there was no stopping her. We yelled for ages and she eventually came back but not without giving us all heart attacks. Even though the cows were scared of her if one had stood on her or kicked her that would've been the end of Gracie Grew. For such a tiny dog she has the bravery of a T Rex.

Who'd Live In A Town LikeThis?

The weather's been awful for the past 2 days. Pissing rain and winds from hell. It's to be even worse tomorrow. Today the wind blew the clouds away and the sun was shining. This is the calm before the storm. The weather certainly reflects the mood in Ballymena at the minute. Moody and gloomy. Maybe it just reflects my mood but with the recent events I think everyone is feeling a bit unsettled.

I don't want to bring my kids up here. I'd like to bring them up in Ireland but not Ballymena. I love this town but I hate it. I think about my qualifications and what I can do with them in this town. Nothing. I never regret moving back here. There was little opportunity in Stoke for me either. One shit hole town's the same as the next shit hole town except that the shits who occupy the town have different accents.

It's a shame that when I do finally write something it's a moan but I don't feel taht fluffy at the minute. Even before the bad weather, the bad happenings and the bad vibes I was feeling washed out and angry with this town. I feel like it's stifling me. Sucking up my creative juices and leaving me totally uninspired. So that's inspired me to get a computer. If I can't find inspiration in my surroundings I'm gonna have to seek it out elsewhere. And since Jamie is surgically attached to his computer I have to get my own one.

What Kind Of Pirate Am I?

As always with me when I try to link up to something it never works but I thought I'd give it a go anyway.

What kind of pirate am I? You decide!
You can also view a breakdown of results or put one of these on your own page!
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey

The Blind First Aider

I've never won a competition just because. I've always had to work my ass off for it. I came 3rd in the Directory competition and got 50 squids cash and 30 squids of vouchers (Next vouchers though, wouldn't you know). I'm just glad I don' t have to stand by that car anymore.

The weather is so bad that me and Jamie are just keeping a low profile. We haven't taken Paddy and Rosie anywhere for ages. They probably hate us now. Even though I got the picture of them blown up for mum's birthday.

They sent the first aid certificates to work a few days ago and the boss said we had to have our pictures taken and put up on the wall. In my photo I blinked, sort of kind of in purpose, so I wouldn't get blinded by the flash. I have my eyes shut and the biggest cheesiest grin. When I saw it this morning I went straight in and told Emma she had to take another picture. Another girl had her eyes half closed and some of the stockroom folk were laughing saying that she looked chinese and the other girl looked like a simpleton. Someone says,

'And what about Hannah what does she look like?'

'Well, she's got her eyes shut and a big silly grin. She's their love child.'

Then there were great roars of laughter. I don't know who I feel more sorry for, the Chinese, the simpleton or the love child.

Happy Birthday Nellymoms

Moms
Originally uploaded by hootchinhannah.

No, this isn't mum's new hair do but it is quite similar to her new do. I know that there will probably be much protesting at this picture but I happen to think it is a lovely shot of Nelly. Anyway, photos and hair dos is not what's important. It's Nellymoms' birthday and that's what's important.


Happy Birthday Mum

Love you lots xx

Lost For Words Cos There's Too Many

I am totally lost for inspiration at the minute. I don't know why but I thought I'd look over some old books I used to write in to see if it would encourage me. I found something which made me smile. Seems that I am always lost for inspiration.

I feel sad beacuse I can't write anything beautiful. I can't create anything beautiful. Everything I think, I think it's all been thought before, so even if it's beautiful it won't belong to me. People say that being creative can make you happy and it's true. My eldest sister is the most contented person I know and she is always painting, knitting, crafting and cooking. She is a domestic goddess but that's not what makes her happy, that's what makes her boyfriend happy. I am rubbish at all of these. I can't paint, have no patience for knitting and get all hot and bothered in the kitchen. I am the furthest thing away from a domestic goddess. And I'm not that tidy either.

My other sister is a career girl. She is determined and independent. She is focused and strong-willed. She is also creative. But I'm not a career girl either. Nowhere near ambitious enough. Or hardwroking enough. And I've always believed that I'm not really that much good at anything except anagrams. But being good at anagrams doesn't get you that far in life. It just helps you do crosswords, I always thought that by improving my vocabulary I'd become a better writer but it becomes harder because there are more words to choose from.

I am no more inspired than I was to begin with but now there are more pressing matters at hand, like getting Nellymoms a birthday present.

Tinkerton Is Tempting

I'm seriously thinking about going for Nelly's job in Tinkerton when she quits it. Even that would be better than standing in front of a car, with a clip board, asking people if they want a copy of the Next Directory. Poeple are so untrusting of people standing in front of cars with clip boards. I don't blame them for I am too.

I am sick of all the bullshit that goes with my job. How the workers are not only expected to work their asses off bending over backwards for ungrateful customers but also act as walking advertisements for the merchandise. One week the manager is telling us she wants to see us in lots of nice accessories, the next week she's saying no more jewellery, it's too hard to tell if people are buying it on discount or stealing it. You wouldn't want to but the jewellery anyway, it falls to pieces in weeks.

Me and Jamface joined Bert and some of his chums for a day's frolicking in Portglenone. Me and Jamie didn't stay to see the Red Hot Chili Pipers but we enjoyed some local talent in O'Connell's and if Bert had seen those weans on the whistles he'd have been green with jealousy. Apart from that we have done nothing but watch Neighbours. Evil Rob Rob's not defeated yet.

It is only now that I am getting chance to write about my week. A very good one it was too. To ease our hangovers on Saturday we took Gravy Dave a drive around the country. We took him to Slemish but he didn't want to climb it 'cos there wasn't a pub at the top. So we took him to Ballycastle aswell and got excited about the Llama's Fair.

That evening we picked up one of my bestest friends Dirt Bird and her boyfriend Marc and took them out to see Nelly and Bert. As always Nelly had been working her magic in the kitchen and produced a mean Cheese, onion and spinach pie and a delicious apple and blackberry sponge. Gravy Dave provided the after dinner entertainment with a bit of poetry and Dirt Bird was reminded of her debauched antics from way back when.

On Sunday evening we drove Gravy and Dirt Bird and Marc down to Derry except that we forgot Dirt Bird and Marc at first and had to turn back to get them. We were going down to visit 2 of our lovely friends, the Derry Man and his beautiful Polish girlfriend Magdamigos. Everyone else stayed down their but me and Jamie had to head back for work work in the morning.

Tuesday after work I had a qick drink with one of the hottest chicks in Ballymena, the girl that Gravy Dave scored with on Friday. She told me that she really dug the Gravy boy and that he had lovely hair. Dirt Bird and Marc called round later with their chips from the Merchant fish bar, all folorn because they fry everything in beef stock and they're both veggies. We then headed out to meet Scullion and Big Hand D for a coupla drinks. We'd already decided on the way up to the bar that we would take a detour down Badtoad street to see if their were any Badtoads about. The Badtoads are a family in Ballymena that all look the same. They all have the same bowl haircut and wear their trousers pulled up to their nipples. Dirt Bird hadn't seen them in years and Marc and Jamie had never seen them so we thought we'd treat ourselves.

On the way up I kept saying that it was too dark and cold for the Badtoads to be standing outside their door watching the world go by but lo and behold they were out. We didn't even have to go down their street as they were walking to Mcgroggan's for some midnight snacks. I asked Marc if he had a chance to see them properly but he hadn't. So Dirt Bird suggested we go to McGroggan's aswell. We did but I couldn't keep a straight face in the shop especially after Mammy Badtoad asked Son Badtoad if he wanted a pot noodle. Marc had to leave the shop and all Jamie cared about was getting a wham bar. Me and Dirt Bird laughed are heads off though.

Then we had a wee drinky with Scullion and Big Hand D who have just recently got engaged so congratulations to them. The reason we call Scullion's finacee Big Hand D is because he cut his hand on glass when he was really drunk, it got infected and his hand swoll up 3 times the size. He said when he was in hospital the meanest nurse in the world stood over his bed and demanded that he got up and had a shower. Big Hand D said he felt so awful that he wanted just to lie there in his own dirt and he didn't care if there were flies buzzing around him. Jamie said he could picture him wafting the flies away with his massive swollen hand.

On wednesday night I called round to the birthday girl's and gave her birthday wine and a birthday voucher for Waterstones. I normally avoid birthday vouchers but I wanted to give someone their birthday present on their actual birthday for the first time and I couldn't find anything that she would've liked.

So that brings me to this morning. I have had a lovely lie in while poor Jamie's gone to work and I plan to take things easy this weekend. There's something going down at Portglenone this weekend so we might head down for a bit of banter and a few swallies but other than that I'll be doing nathin'