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Wednesday, April 12, 2017

As I'll Ever Be

Hello little blog! Time is such strange concept at the minute. But that's not the reason for my not blogging. It's more my use of time. And lack of content. I was sick. Not with any kind of animal flu. Nor the human flu. Perhaps it was some kind of Bonsai tree strain, I don't know for sure. Between it's lurgy-ness and the stress of "being alive" I was pretty much good for nothin'. I see patterns in my life though. And it seems that each year comes new insight and easier ways to manage "being alive".

Dirt Bird has just texted me saying "Yaaay. Friend Therapy is the best! (smiley face with tongue sticking out)". And it is. Sometimes I forget that I have friends. I go through months of wondering who I am in relation to others. I'm Hannah, the weird one at work who takes her break at different times from her colleagues, and I'm Hannah, the weird one in class who gets on with everyone but is close with no-one. I'm Hannah, the girl who loves her family very much but always finds some reason why she can't attend the family functions. I'm Hannah, the girl who always complains about being lonely but feels an intense desire for 'head space' when she's around too many people. I play the social outcast. It's a role I'm familar and comfortable with even though it serves no purpose in my life.

So having time with a friend like Dirt Bird, like Mel, like Gus, that is how I make best use of my time. Because it's with these people that I can truly be myself. That I can forget about the responsibility of life and remember that I am a child of the universe and I deserve to feel free and happy. Dear God I never want to lose that feeling and this past few months I have felt the nails being hammered in my coffin by my own hands. Am I ready? As I'll ever be.


Rob Z Tobor said...

Hello Miss Hannah Phew its been a while since I was here. I have been very busy and still am building a summerhouse and modifying the house and other things along the way.

I hope all is still well . . . . .

hootchinhannah said...

Heya Mr Rob, busy is best as long as it's the kind of busy that has some kind of reward at the end, which a summerhouse most definitely does :)

Mel said...

Friend therapy is the best. It was bloody lovely to see you last week. You are Hannah, always up for adventure, ever accepting, greenhouse friend, purveyor of peace, hedgerow companion. :)


Anonymous said...

I always though I was an introvert. I am introverted but as I got older I realised there was more to it. No formal diagnosis but my money goes on me being on the autistic spectrum. Not so anyone would notice other than my "weirdness". It explained myself and all that has happened to me in my dealings with other people. YMMV as they say. Worth an online test or three?!


hootchinhannah said...

Mels, Mels, Lovely Mels, what a pleasure to see your comment! And, funnily enough, I stumbled upon something which states that a Hedge Witch is something that actually exists and the description fits me perfectly!

And Mudflapgypsy...wonderful to hear from you too. I think we are all on the autistic spectrum to some degree or other although I had this thought the other day that autism could also be described as a condition in which an idividual actually feels sooo much empathy for others that they need to "numb" it because it's too painful and too overwhelming to feel absolutely everything that is going on around them.

Anonymous said...

Self medication worked for me but long term it wasn't the healthy option.
Too much input is a problem. Overwhelming is entirely correct. I try to focus on stuff that IS important but distractions are what they are.

What is this being alive stuff all about my endless mental refrain

The Sufis know but I haven't knowingly encountered one as yet.



hootchinhannah said...

I'd still root for self-medication over what the doctors prescibe (skittles and smarties and suchlike) but that really depends on what we self-medicate with. I hear ya on the too much input though. The world is designed for the majority and those in the minority, myself included, end up wondering what the hell we're doing here. But it doesn't mean we have any less right or important stuff to do.