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Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Yes I'm Going to Cry

I re-sat my theory test on Wednesday as it had expired. I passed so that was a relief. I recorded 2 sessions with 2 different clients and that was also a relief as I have a deadline for that piece of work looming. So When I went to sleep on Wednesday night my body and mind must have relaxed and I fell into such a deep sleep that I slept through 3 alarms. I made it into work on time but I was drained. A work colleague told me I looked awful and I went to the toilets and cried. This has been a problem for me for a while. Crying when I really don't want to be. Hence; no more tears on the floor for the girl who lives in her coat.

It seemed to be correlating with my monthly howl at the moon cycle so I went on the pill to see if I could fool my body into thinking it was pregnant. I tried it out for a month and it made me feel worse in the long run. The trial and error rule applies to everything and I'm left now with the option of just accepting I'm going to be a big weepy, emotional wet blanket for at least one day of the month. So what! Yes I am going to cry because that bull looked so happy when it was freed, yes I'm going to cry when I spend all day looking at babies and am reminded that I don't have any, yes, I'm going to cry when I think about how much I love Ziggy, yes I'm going to cry when one of the bad girls from the Bad Girls Club is crying. I'm going to cry when I feel like crying and I'm going to stop trying to control these emotions that are embarassing and cumbersome.

And while I let those emotions flow freely within me and without me, then there is room for the happiness to flow within me and without me. Moms is sorting her computing room out this week so we can light fires and make it cosy. I need to seek out the beauty and joys of winter because they are there just the same as the cold and darkness.

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