Letting Go

I don't want this to be a long blog post but I'm not sure I can do it in under 500 words. My nieces and I performed a symbolic ritual on Thursday. The reason being that I felt it was very much time to let go of some stuff. The stuff I was letting go of was years of emotional baggage but I had something physical to represent the baggage. A dried out rose head given to me about 18 years ago by an ex boyfriend called Will in the hope that he could woo me back.

Between my personal counselling and talks with my supervisor I began to see what that rose head represented. Will was an amazing guy, kind, sweet, funny and creative. But he had carried a sadness with him for many years. Before I had met him he had been addicted to heroin. During the relationship he became deeply depressed. I guess he was adjusting to life without his crutch. I guess I hoped that I could be his crutch. Having battled with depression myself I knew how fragile happiness could be sometimes. I realised that I was not going to make Will happy, he had to do it by himself. If you love something you give it away. I gave him away. I was young, fragile and I really didn't want to compromise my own mental well being. I knew I could easily fall into that deep, dark abyss in trying to rescue Will.

He really understood my intentions. That's why he wanted to woo me back. He wanted to go find his happiness and come back to me. That never happened though. For two reasons, the first being that I embarked upon a new relationship and the second reason being Will died of smoke inhalation in a house fire.

There were two things that went on for me after this. The first was an overwhelming sense of guilt. On top of the guilt I denied myself the opportunity to grieve for him properly because I just didn't feel I had any right to. So how did I channel these emotions? I made a pact with myself to never hurt anyone again. To never give up on anyone. It is no real surprise that I was alway attracted to the helping professions. Of course, it was in me anyway, but I suppose I felt I had to right a wrong.
I have come to the conclusion however, and it's taken me long enough, that I keep attracting this pattern of relationship. Not only that, when the relationship doesn't work out, which is all the time, I still want to be there for the person. I find it really hard to close the door because I'm scared the door will close forever and I'll be left wondering 'Did I do enough?' Having realised that I am creating all of this turmoil for myself I can no longer sit here blaming the universe for always breaking my heart. I break my own heart.

So, a mission was set upon by Marha, Evie, Ziggy, Jess and myself and we headed down to the woods. I explained to the girls what we were doing and why (I gave them the kid's edit). Evie was a little too young to really get it but Martha was not only very interested but very sweet and understanding. I explained to them that I wanted to crunch the rose head up into dust and then we'd all blow it up into the air while making a wish. They spent a little time holding the rose and looking at it. Martha panicked a little and told me she wanted me to keep the rose, even just for another week. I told her I understood why she wanted me to do that but I had already kept it for a long time and it was time to let it go. She worried that I might forget about Will. I showed her the rose and I said, "Sweetheart, Will isn't in this rose. I'll never forget him because Will is in here", and I placed my hand on my heart.

Then she asked me if some of the rose dust would make it's way to Wales where Will was buried. I told her it most definitely would because some would land on an insect and carry it to Wales. Then we discussed the wishes and I said it was always a good idea to make a wish for something that might actually happen. I used the example of wishing that a nice man would come into my life. After the ceremony Martha told me she had wished for something that might actually happen.

As it happened the rose didn't melt into dust like I thought and I was surprised by how strong and intact the petals still were after all this time. And I'm sure that one of those petals will find it's way to Wales.