Grumbleface Grumbledon

My proper job has been taxing of late. I have cut down hours by my own choice because I don't want to be in that environment. Not only that, financially, it doesn't make sense for me to work too much overtime. I have been feeling the pressure of the course and placement. I knew it wasn't going to be easy but I guess I didn't prepare myself for the double whammy effect of being both physically and mentally drained. This is another reason why I've cut hours down. I've realised that it's impacting on my patience and I need that for other areas of my life.

I had to take my rose tinted glasses off and come to the realisation that my peace, love and empathy is not quite as abundant as I had thought. I guess I'm probably becoming more real. It's ok to feel pissed off sometimes. It's a bit boring to feel pissed off all the time and nigh on impossible to sprinkle fairy dust on everyone and everything. I have most definitely denied myself the opportunity to experience negative emotions such as anger. Sadness is different. I have no control over it. But I can control my anger. And it's right to do so. But it's not right to try to be all sunshine, sweetness and light all of the time.

It's got a lot to do with speaking my mind more. Being assertive. Realising that my voice is important and that I'm allowed to feel overwhelmed and worried. And, sometimes, lonely. That isn't to say that I have resigned myself to this attitude. I'm just tired. Tired of that pressure I said I wasn't going to put on myself. Tired of the ram and shark inner critics butting and biting. Tired of being tired.

But there is stuff to do and that is better than not having stuff to do. There are things to look forward to and it is also Spring very soon. Any day now.