After only 7 weeks away I've decided to go home. The truth is I wasn't really enjoying myself. Also, I feel too vulnerable traveling on my own. Men out here are predators. I feel like it's too easy for someone to take advantage of me. I've had a few scary experiences out here and the last one, in Lima, was the final straw. But it's not just that. I found myself continuously disappointed with the places I visited (with the exception of Oaxaca and Banos) and the people I met. I'm glad to be going home to people who know and love me.
I'm glad that I took a chance. I had such a burning desire to come here and I had to get it out of my system. And I have learnt a valuable lesson about myself, I am not cut out for being on my own. I have not been able to make anyone happy out here and therefore I can't be happy. I can't wait to get back to my darling boyfriend, to cuddle my darling cats and dogs, to help mum with the housework. I have also learnt that I do not suit unemployment. A day is too long when you've nothing to do. I need to be busy, I need to be useful, I need to be needed. So I don't regret my premature departure. I don't care that I have wasted a lot of money that I worked hard to get. The only thing that is important now is that I feel safe and happy. Maybe I will come back one day but not on my own. The good experiences I did have were tainted by the fact that I had no one to share them with.
Maybe a lot of people will think that I'm rash in my decision, that I should give it time and things will improve. The fact is rhat these 7 weeks have been the longest of my life. And that is only half the reason why I'm going home. I thought I was brave but I had no idea how uncomfortable I would feel by the men out here. A lone woman is an easy target. I know from the times I did spend with other people the men will largely ignore you. But everytime I was on my own I received unwanted attention. Even men who were meant to be in a position of trust. I woke up in the early hours of the morning to find a guy who worked at the hostel I was staying at had used a key to let himself into my room. If there had been even one other person sharing with me this wouldn't have happened. I was lucky, I told him sternly to leave and thankfully, after a while, he did. But it is scary to think what could have happened.
So for anyone who does feel like I'm making a mistake, believe me, I know myself better than anyone and I know in my heart that that this is the right decision. The more scared and vulnerable I feel out here the more of a target I am. And of course, I was warned about all the scary situations I could possibly face but I was naive and I had to find out for myself. For that, I'm proud of myself. That I never let anybody else's apprehensions put me off what I wanted to do. But I also know when I've had enough, and I've had enough. There's a reason why people say home, sweet home and that's exactly where I'm going.
12 comments:
Dude - just right! When something isn't right, it's not right and no amount of persevering will help! Plus you've been there for 2 months - that's ace!
Shame some of the places were disappointing but such is life - there will be plenty of shitholes in Australia for me to discover!
I've also been too preoccupied finding out how to fend off man eating crocs and sharks to think about the other humans. I swear to god I'm geting a weapon upon arrival! Also - never rn in a zigzag if a croc is chasing as its a fruitless waste of time - just run like a motherfucker and hope the bastard doesn't catch you. They can run fast but not for long apparently.
Well - you are always welcome to join me in Oz if you fancy it! Man - we will go travelling together in the future, pinkie promise. If I'd got my finger out of my butt a bit earlier perhaps we would have this time but for fateful resons its probably good I didn't go travelling when we originally planned for reasons you know.
Also - I'm in the flat all by myself in April if you fancy a wee stint to Edinburgh. Free board of course and a whole room to yourself! Flatmate Rob is moving back to London week after next. Boo.
I'm back home mid April to drop off all my belongings and then the weekend after for a general trip. Then back in June for a whole week.Lots of Hannah time! Yay!
Come over here in April - do it, do it! You could come back in the van with me when I'm driving back to bonny Scotland! Claire is chumming me and I'm literally getting to Ireland late Thur night and leaving Friday afternoon.
I shall call you! It would be so cool to have you here for a few days!
Love yoooouuuuuuuu lots & lots.
xx
ps - what a cheek on that guy letting himself into your room. Fucker. I'd give him a good slap if I was anywhere near where he is right now!
Sounds like it was the right decision, Hannah. I felt very much the same in terms of loneliness when I was travelling for extended periods by myself. You're right - it's definitely much easier when you've got a job to keep you busy and familiar people to keep you company.
If you fancy going back to teaching, I've found a great little ex-pat community in Korea for drinking, playing, and general merriment! ;) You'd fit right in.
Good luck with whatever you end up doing next, and good on you for not being afraid to admit that it wasn't working out. Oh, and I just have to finish that Mel's crocodile advice made me laugh so much I choked on my coffee.
Oh my gosh - I was typing so quickly last night I made an awful lot of spelling mistakes. I must take more care!
Its true though Hails - those crocs are mean and they have a death roll and everything. Argh. Why am I going to Australia again?!
Korea must be great fun - the food intrigues me. Yum.
Can't wait to see you again Hannah Banana. Not long! Think about how happy Pads will be to have you back. Pearlie Blue might even be less blue!
xx
I can now stop worrying when i haven't seen u on facebook for a couple of days. Take up mel or hails offers. don't let this put you off totally. i'll be in ballymena 22-24th. be lovely to see you.dad.xxxxx
Aw Mels, Mels, Lovely Mels, I have already made up my mind I'm coming to visit you in Edinburgh before you leave. I have just discovered that Papa John's pizza is THE best pizza in the world and they have one in Edinburgh. That is, of course, not the only reason I'm coming to visit you!!!
Dude, if you want, I can help you train for running away from crocs. It will basically involve me chasing you with some fake crocodile gnashers and seeing how long you can run!
Hails, now that I've been home a few days I realise that I've definitely made the right decision. You do seem to have a lovely community in Korea and I guess that's what i was lacking out there.
Dad, I'm home safe and sound in Cullybackey and I can't wait to see you at the end of the month! Perfect timing for me to come home. And your grandaughter is even more captivating :) sorry for worrying you xx
Oh babes - I was worried about you. It had been a well since you blogged and you sounded so lonely in your post before this. Glad you are coming back to the safety of home. When are you due back? Big sis hug coming your way. Are you ready - here it is! Big kisses Katy
I must have posted comment same time as you - freaky!!
Glad to hear you are home.
xx
It had been such a long time since I read your blog I had to google hootchinhannah! And it worked.
Anyway this is just to say glad you'll be home soon and hope you're already feeling a lot better.
Think I'll take the liberty of sending love from everyone in S-O-T, including gravy Dave and me - Paul.
Hey Paul, it's lovely to hear from you! I saw Gravy Dave not that long ago before Christmas. Was a pleasure, as always. Keep in touch Mister!!
Thanks for the big sis hugs Katy, they are the best kind!! Can't wait to see you in June, I should be a lot more organised for your big day at least!! XXX
YEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! I can't wait until you come visit. That is AMAZING news! Truly excellent!
Flatmate Rob goes home 24 March and his room is free until 27 April so there is ages and ages - I shall give you a call on the blower to make a plan of action. Whheeeeeeeeeee I really am excited and am ecstatis to see you properly before I go away.
Yes - the crocodile plan sonds like a god one. There is a river near my flat so we could do it here for authenticity - I hear crocs often run out of the water to surprise their prey. Crafty buggers.
Glad you are back in Cully safe and sound - that's great. Was Pads dead excited to see you?
I'm currently in Berlin visiting Becky but I'm back Friday morning and will give you a call that day.
Love you.
xx
OH MY GOD MY SPELLING! I am sorry. What is ecstatis - it sounds like a skin condition.
It's not your spelling dude, obviously the keyboard is all wrong!! Yes, you can let me know what dates would suit you and I'll be there!! Might even get a wee boat over just for a change! Let the running away from evil crocodile training commence!!! Honestly dude, by the time I'm finished with you you will be prepared for every eventuailty!! Call me as soon as your home and we'll get plotting! And have lots of fun in Berlin with Becky xxxx
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