That's me!!I'm finding it really hard to maintain this blog at the minute. It's because I've been so busy doing all the things on the list in the previous post. I haven't managed to take up knitting yet though Zoe.
Nah, it's because everything I write at the minute is pure dung. It's either boring, depressing, sentimental nonsense or it's just not funny enough. If I was a writer I'd call it writer's block but I'm not so it's probably just a block shoved up my arse. I don't want my blog to end up being a space where I just bitch and moan about the world. On the other hand though, it's my blog and I should use it for whatever the hell I want to. I also worry about giving too much of myself away but fuck it, that's the kind of person I am.
Work is probably the most depressing thing in my life. All through Christmas I really tried to stay positive about it and when people asked how it was going I lied and said it was fine. Now I feel like quitting at least five times a week, which is every day I'm there. When I say I'm can't take anymore of something it is normally after weeks of pretending that I can cos I don't like to give up easily. So when I say I've had enough I've had more than enough. It got so bad that I even very very briefly was considering a career in the police force. I think if I spend much longer there I will have nothing left to offer the world.
I was telling my mum a while ago that although I'm 23 I feel like I'm 43. I have no social life and I rarely hang out with anyone my own age at the minute. I have people that I could visit in Belfast but no impetus to see them because of how I'm feeling. I miss my boyfriend like crazy and I miss my people. I miss my old job, my lifestyle, everything. I don't think I want to go back because it wasn't perfect there. Nowhere is. I miss being me though and doing what I do.
3 comments:
Oh Hannah, I am not sure what to say to this. I doubt any analogy/stories from my life will make any difference, but if I was to say one thing, it is to bide your time. Not that good things come to those who wait, but be patient in trying to find yourself, and what you want. You are young, you have time, as long as you think about things during the time-of-biding-ness.
It has taken me *all* my life up to now to get to some sort of stable state, and I am not entirely sure that I am where I want to be (metaphysically speaking, of course.)
There are a bazillion platitudes, all of which mean nothing.
Nothing ever changes without any pain. That is my favourite, though.
Hi Hannah.
staytoaster sounds about right.Linda n me can hopefully come over at the end of the month so see you then. xxx
Thanks straytoaster, good advice. Your right, patience is what I need. Dad, can't wait to see you and Linda.
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