Fun Things To Do On A Saturday

Sometimes my life can be tedious. I have compiled a list of fun things to do on a Saturday*

1. Light a fire. Watch it. Burn various different things to see how they blaze. Good things include egg cartins especially if they have an empty shell in them as they produce good sound effects too.


2. Go visit an elderly next door neighbour and tell her all about the exciting night out you had at the chinese restaurant with the girls from work - pure lefal sham!*1


3. Make endless cups of coffee and smoke endless fags and repititively worry about how many cups of coffee you drink and how many fags you smoke - woohoo!*1


4. Compile a list of fun things to do on a Saturday. And then do them all - Great fun!*1

5. Annoy the cat.




* It doesn't have to be a Saturday, it can be any day of the week.

*1 Note the hint of sarcasm.

The Wee Mouse

Retail is very boring work. Shoppers are boring people. Unless you work at Junction 1 that is. It's weird place. It's like a mini town centre in the middle of nowhere and definitley attracts some proper weirdos. Like the woman who didn't want any old five pound note amongst her change. No, one was too old looking, one was too dirty, did they not have an english five pound note? she wanted an english one. Mammy Banjo was telling us a funny story last week about the man who came to install the new keyboard and mouse for the computer in her shop. After the man had been they looked at their new gear and realised that the mouse was actually the old one. So Mammy B's work colleague phoned up their Head Office to say that the new mouse they were supposed to be getting wasn't there. So the next day they had a phone call from the man who angrily shouted down the phone 'I haven't got your fucking mouse OK?' The pair of them were in stitches for it hadn't occurred to them that he would have the mouse. They thought maybe it hadn't been delivered or something. A few days later the man was back futering about with the computer. Mammy B's work colleague thought he was looking a bit sussed and says to him

'What have you got up your sleeve?'


'None of your fucking buisness' Says he.

So she went over and put her hand up his sleeve and pulled out the missing mouse that hadn't been installed. What a laugh they had at the expense of the guy who tried to steal the new mouse and who worried so much about getting caught out that he tried to sneak it back in with out anyone noticing. Only at Junction 1. Swear to God!

Love Is In the Air

I tried to post a Happy Valentine's message for my man yesterday but couldn't get the picture attached so I gave up. It woulda been mushy anyway. But today is our 3 year anniversary which is significantly more important than Valentine's and I still can't get the picture attached.

Me and Jamie don't really do Valentine's day. We think it's commercial bollocks. People in work were asking me if I was getting anything and I said no. When I got home there was a rose waiting for me. According to Nelly, the guy that delivered it wasn't driving an Interflora van and when he asked for me her initial thought was 'Oh God, it's the CID looking for Hannah' I says to her, sure what would the CID want me for and she said she knew that whatever it was they must've got it wrong. Hmmmm.... faith in her daughter oozing from every pore.

There was a wee card with the rose and it was handwritten but not in Jamies writing. I know he does practically everything through the internet so he must have typed the message to go with the rose. Interflora obviously employ someone to handwrite the messages to make it look more loving and personal for the recipient. I think that would be a good job. Writing out people's cheezy love messages.

So Jamie babe, I was only asking if there was a postal strike over there too 'cos I sent you a card. I was trying to keep it a surprise but the goddamn postal workers have more rebellion in them than I do patience. It will come. Eventually.

And finally, Happy Anniversary baby, fucking hell that makes me feel old to say. I love you more than tayto wuster sauce crisps and cream eggs. I love you more than Neighbours and Sublime. I hope you get your card soon cheese face.

Driving Mr. Davies

Yaaaaaay. Congratulations to my boy Jamie who passed his driving test. Well done sweet pea I can't wait 'til you're driving me everywhere. No more stinky buses! Lethal. Tomorrow is Pearlie's 80th birthday and I've bought her a new apron. I had no idea they were so hard to shop for. I went in nearly every old lady's clothes shop there is in Ballymena before I found somewhere that sold them. The reason I bought her an apron though is because Pearlie doesn't care much for presents that are of no use to her, like ornaments or things. When I gave her a christmas present she said "Och it's very nice but all the same I wud rather hae something I could use, like a pair o' stockings or a bottle of shloer or something" I couldn't face buying her stockings so I got her the apron and a bottle of shloer.

Last night was one of those rare nights I had trouble getting to sleep. I had thoughts racing through my mind. Not worries about money or health or anything stressful like that. I was pondering the great mystery of the leap year, like, why do they happen only every 4 years? Why do we even have them? Do other parts of the world have leap years too? I hope it doesn't keep me awake again tonight. Although, today's great mystery is; why am I so charged with static electricity? It started a couple of weeks ago. What causes it? Why is it happening to me loads now when it never did before? The hairdresser could hardly cut my hair with it flying all over the place. I vaguely remember learning something about static energy at school but I don't quite remember how it works. I just remember the bit with the balloon.

New Job Is Needed

I need a new job. I think life becomes a little too depressing when you are given praise for your Customer Services skills. Because the truth is I don't really want to make it a pleasant experience for people to buy things. I disagree with it. I look at the way people shop and they just don't appreciate the privelages they have. Grrrrrr. I won't go into a rant. Bottom line is. I need a new job.

I have been dead good about playing my sax and doing at least, on average, about 8 mintes 42 seconds a day. I thik that's pretty good considering. I think even if I played it for a minute a day it would be better than it lying in its case gathering dust. It's really hard though and I wish it wasn't so bloody loud. Can you get mutes for a sax? Anyway, Bert's loads better on the claro than I am the sax but I think he plays it all day long, alternating with his whistle.

Crosswords and Crusts

A while ago when I was on unemployed and signing on I read a magazine article about a women who spent all her time filling in competitions to win prizes. She did so many that by the law of averages she won quite frequently. I thought to myself as I read this, that sounds like my kind of job. I only lasted a few weeks at it and didn't win squat because I got so bored of the puzzles. All the crossword clues were repeated and they were too easy.

My favourite crossword clue is this one: Rough crust on a wound?

See, too easy. But I like this one because I like the word Scab and I love the way they describe it. Rough crust. I like scabs but only if they're my own. I am definitely a picker and miss the days when there was nearly always a scab on the go.

I also love the way the word scab is used these days. It's a versatile word that can be used to describe someone who is a bit manky or someone who sponges from you. I remember my friend Barbie used to always call us scabs although she was the Queen of the scab artists and we were more like her Scabettes. Now when I think about it I like the word crusty too and I'm beginning to think that maybe I've got an unhealthy obsession with minging words.

Anyway, I haven't completely given up on becoming a full time competition enterer but my problem at the minute is that I can get the competions filled in but I rarely send them off. I'm sure if I had sent them off I'd have won a TV or washing machine by now. Or even better, the supermarket trolley dash.