Ah, the reading content here at the Palace has been a little heavy of late so I thought I'd brighten it up a bit with a wee story about Dirt Bird:
One night, after a bottle of cider or 3, Dirt Bird and I went back to her parent's house. As soon as we got there Dirt Bird declared she was hungered and set about making a fry for herself.
As she was cooking it I told her about the frying pan fire I'd had earlier that week when cooking chicken. No sooner had I said this than her own frying pan went up in flames. Cue much screaming and running around in blind panic. The fire went out by itself.
We calmed down, allowed our hearts to go back down our throats and nervously giggled about what a coincidence Dirt Bird should have experienced a frying pan fire so soon after me telling her about mine. But we had no time to relax before the damn pan went up in flames again! More panic, screaming and general flusteredness. The fire went out again. Dirt Bird concluded her food was well fried and switched off the pan.
The reason I find this so funny though is because she actually sat down and attempted to eat her fry even though it was burnt to a crisp and she couldn't get her fork to stick in anything without it scooting off the plate.
Another cooking disaster involved tuna and my mate Jo. We wanted tuna and mayo sandwiches. We put everything in a big bowl and mixed it together. It wasn't until we were eating the amazingly runny sandwiches that we realised we'd forgotten to drain the tuna of it's brine!
Yummy!
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Don't Hassle The Han
Mum and I took a wee scoot into town today to do a little pre-party shopping and so I could hand a few applications in. On the drive in we were talking about the actual converstaion I had with my boss before I walked out. The whole thing was over in a matter of minutes really. But I was saying to mum that he probably wasn't expecting me to react the way that I did. For one, why would he really want to get rid of a cheap employee at a time when he's immensely busy and already behind? So mum asked what I thought he wanted to achieve by starting on me.
I told her I thought he wanted to 'put me in my box'. He was so used to the meek, mild wee girl who wouldn't say boo to a mouse. He saw me, for the first time, showing annoyance and he didn't like it so he thought he'd assert some authority. He tried to put me in my box but, as mum pointed out, he didn't count on the box not having a bottom. He put me in and I just fell on straight through. We laughed at this and mum said: Don't hassle the Han!
Our pre-party shopping expedition went pretty well. Bert's now the proud owner of his first ever pair of Converse. Mum has her Halloween/Mexican day of the Dead costume sorted out. She's going as Scary Hairy Mary! Tomorrow night Z and I will have a massive spooky bun-making session and on Friday I have an interview. It's just retail but a job's a job and it buys me time. Yeeeooowww!
I told her I thought he wanted to 'put me in my box'. He was so used to the meek, mild wee girl who wouldn't say boo to a mouse. He saw me, for the first time, showing annoyance and he didn't like it so he thought he'd assert some authority. He tried to put me in my box but, as mum pointed out, he didn't count on the box not having a bottom. He put me in and I just fell on straight through. We laughed at this and mum said: Don't hassle the Han!
Our pre-party shopping expedition went pretty well. Bert's now the proud owner of his first ever pair of Converse. Mum has her Halloween/Mexican day of the Dead costume sorted out. She's going as Scary Hairy Mary! Tomorrow night Z and I will have a massive spooky bun-making session and on Friday I have an interview. It's just retail but a job's a job and it buys me time. Yeeeooowww!
Monday, October 27, 2008
Hot Head Hannah vs The Toxic Boss
If anyone knows of any potential employers that would like to take on a 26 year old hard-working, punctual, eager to please, keen to learn, computer literate lassie please let me know. I need to find work, quickly, due to me telling my former boss that he could stick his job up his arse. But you have to realise that this is not generally the way I conduct myself around employers. In fact, I learnt the phrase 'ye can stick it up your arse' from my (ex) boss.
I have been unhappy there for a while now. Any job I do I like to feel that I'm doing it well. I couldn't do this job as well as I'd have liked to because there was too much expected off me and too little time. My boss gave me bare minimum information to work with. When one of his customers had a query that I couldn't answer I'd often ask my boss what I should tell them. His answer was usually: Tell her to go fuck herself. I grew sick of his unhelpful, arrogant manner of dealing with things. I got sick of people making demands that I just didn't have the time to meet. I'm sick of lying and covering up for my boss. I'm sick of him being a total cunt to people who have done good honest days' work for him but still have to beg for their cheques. I'm also sick of doing all this and being paid minimum wage. The last straw was today.
The boss could see I was getting a bit stressed out and so he asked me if I was unhappy with my job because if I wasn't happy I didn't have to work for him. I asked him if he was in my situation would he be happy. He didn't answer but said if I couldn't hack the pressure I could leave. So I did, because it felt like he was taunting me and I was already feeling like I didn't get paid enough to take shit without taking that shit too.
It was rash and impulsive and not exactly well thought out but it's done now and there's no point regretting it.
I have been unhappy there for a while now. Any job I do I like to feel that I'm doing it well. I couldn't do this job as well as I'd have liked to because there was too much expected off me and too little time. My boss gave me bare minimum information to work with. When one of his customers had a query that I couldn't answer I'd often ask my boss what I should tell them. His answer was usually: Tell her to go fuck herself. I grew sick of his unhelpful, arrogant manner of dealing with things. I got sick of people making demands that I just didn't have the time to meet. I'm sick of lying and covering up for my boss. I'm sick of him being a total cunt to people who have done good honest days' work for him but still have to beg for their cheques. I'm also sick of doing all this and being paid minimum wage. The last straw was today.
The boss could see I was getting a bit stressed out and so he asked me if I was unhappy with my job because if I wasn't happy I didn't have to work for him. I asked him if he was in my situation would he be happy. He didn't answer but said if I couldn't hack the pressure I could leave. So I did, because it felt like he was taunting me and I was already feeling like I didn't get paid enough to take shit without taking that shit too.
It was rash and impulsive and not exactly well thought out but it's done now and there's no point regretting it.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Thai Tales
When I was in Thailand I taught older kids between the ages of 11-15. If I'd had a choice I would've worked with younger kids but any experience is a good experience and because the older kids sometimes (I stress sometimes) had quite good English and you could teach them more. But when the shit hit the fan with the Secondary school I had a chance to teach at a Primary school, covering for someone for 2 weeks. The other night I found this in a notebook. I'd always meant to post it but when I came back it was a bit too difficult writing about Thailand. It's almost a year since I've been back now and it's about time I got round to sharing it:
I did my last day of teaching today. Obviously I'm happy because it was a chore getting up in the mornings but I also feel sad that it's all over.
I'm glad I had the chance to teach the younger children. It was a totally different experience from teaching high school kids. For one, they're much better behaved. They are more respectful and sweet and they are more easily pleased.
It was like a breath of fresh air having an assistnat to help me (I was lucky if the Thai teachers at the high school sat in on my lessons, let alone assisted me). Koong disciplined the children, which is something I've always hated doing. She also translated when the children didn't understand. The kids obviously learn much more in this kind of set-up.
The school I was working at was private so classes were much smaller than Prah Narai. Koong often talked about 'special' children. These kids came to class but never particiapted. In the West these children would live in residential homes and be closely monitored but mental health problems aren't properly recognised in Thailand.
I found these children fascinating. They obviously all suffered from different problems but were all treated the same way. One boy, who was missing half of his left arm, was very quiet but he obviously had a lot going on in his head. He was jittery, chewed on a little piece of plastic wrapping. He was largely ignored by the rest of the class and he ignored them but every once in a while he'd get excited and come over and grab hold of me and fixate on something.
Some of the 'special' students were merely not as intelligent as their peers. They could so the work but not as quickly or to the same ability as everyone else.
One little boy liked to be told fables. Koong would sit at the back with him and tell him traditional Thai stories. He'd fall asleep almost instantly but wake up looking startled if Koong stopped.
There was only one student that Koong told me to be careful around. He'd bitten her a few times and he liked to hit the other children. It didn't help that he was twice, maybe 3 times the size as all the other 6 year olds. He lay down on the ground and wailed and moaned. If he got up all the kids would get up and run away from him. He looked permanently distressed. I felt sorry for him.
The most fascinating children were a little boy and a little girl who shared a table. They obviously hated each other and the other children that shared a table with them were wary. The little girl would move away from the boy, causing the others to shuffle around so they weren't too close to her. But they'd shuffle around 'til another student was too close to the boy then he'd start shuffling round in the opposite direction to get away from him. The little girl and boy would hit each other and yel at each other. Koong left them to it.
The older childen were very inqusitive about me. They wanted me to write my name, age and birthday in their notebooks and they drew pictures of me beside them. They asked me questions about my life at home; did I have pets; siblings; was my house made out of wood or cement. They asked these questions in Thai and Koong translated. But they were still listening to English and therefore learning. Sometimes you could spend a whole lesson with the older students just trying to get them to be quiet.
It ended there but reading it over makes me realise that if I'm ever gonna teach again it'll be the young 'uns because they're not as cocksure as teenagers are. Hmmm...makes me long for a better job and a bit of adventure.
I did my last day of teaching today. Obviously I'm happy because it was a chore getting up in the mornings but I also feel sad that it's all over.
I'm glad I had the chance to teach the younger children. It was a totally different experience from teaching high school kids. For one, they're much better behaved. They are more respectful and sweet and they are more easily pleased.
It was like a breath of fresh air having an assistnat to help me (I was lucky if the Thai teachers at the high school sat in on my lessons, let alone assisted me). Koong disciplined the children, which is something I've always hated doing. She also translated when the children didn't understand. The kids obviously learn much more in this kind of set-up.
The school I was working at was private so classes were much smaller than Prah Narai. Koong often talked about 'special' children. These kids came to class but never particiapted. In the West these children would live in residential homes and be closely monitored but mental health problems aren't properly recognised in Thailand.
I found these children fascinating. They obviously all suffered from different problems but were all treated the same way. One boy, who was missing half of his left arm, was very quiet but he obviously had a lot going on in his head. He was jittery, chewed on a little piece of plastic wrapping. He was largely ignored by the rest of the class and he ignored them but every once in a while he'd get excited and come over and grab hold of me and fixate on something.
Some of the 'special' students were merely not as intelligent as their peers. They could so the work but not as quickly or to the same ability as everyone else.
One little boy liked to be told fables. Koong would sit at the back with him and tell him traditional Thai stories. He'd fall asleep almost instantly but wake up looking startled if Koong stopped.
There was only one student that Koong told me to be careful around. He'd bitten her a few times and he liked to hit the other children. It didn't help that he was twice, maybe 3 times the size as all the other 6 year olds. He lay down on the ground and wailed and moaned. If he got up all the kids would get up and run away from him. He looked permanently distressed. I felt sorry for him.
The most fascinating children were a little boy and a little girl who shared a table. They obviously hated each other and the other children that shared a table with them were wary. The little girl would move away from the boy, causing the others to shuffle around so they weren't too close to her. But they'd shuffle around 'til another student was too close to the boy then he'd start shuffling round in the opposite direction to get away from him. The little girl and boy would hit each other and yel at each other. Koong left them to it.
The older childen were very inqusitive about me. They wanted me to write my name, age and birthday in their notebooks and they drew pictures of me beside them. They asked me questions about my life at home; did I have pets; siblings; was my house made out of wood or cement. They asked these questions in Thai and Koong translated. But they were still listening to English and therefore learning. Sometimes you could spend a whole lesson with the older students just trying to get them to be quiet.
It ended there but reading it over makes me realise that if I'm ever gonna teach again it'll be the young 'uns because they're not as cocksure as teenagers are. Hmmm...makes me long for a better job and a bit of adventure.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
I Am Today
You Are Wednesday |
 Like this day of the week, you are ruled by Mercury. More than anything, you are unpredictable. You are witty and wise - but you are also easily bored. You tend to be flighty and careless. You are unreliable at times. In some ways, it's perfect that you match up with hump day. You are always coasting downhill - even when it seems like an uphill battle. |
The genearl mood at Nellybert's is very ho hum. We know it will pass though.
Meanwhile, there is a party to plan. It was meant to be a Halloween party but, as we're now having it on the 1st November, it will be a Mexican Day of the Dead party. I feel the need to rush out and buy a big bottle of tequila.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Scritchy Bitchy In Loan Hill Heaven
It sucks when your dog dies. You console yourself with the fact that they had a good life and lived to a good age but it still just sucks. Because, ultimately, you want them to live forever, like you want everything that you care about to live forever.
But they don't and and you deal with it and I can honestly, truly say that Rosie led a pretty perfect life. She was a total dreamboat that could charm the pants off most. When you know and love an animal, you find their ways so endearing that it breaks your heart you'll never know it again. Like the way she'd eat one hardnut at a time, the way she'd scritch and scratch at the door, incessantly, until you let her in, her obsessive-compulsive need to round up and herd other animals, her happy, excited tail-wagging when she saw a lead coming out, ah, the list goes on and on.
It's funny how the one weekend that I stayed in happened to be the last weekend I'd spend with Rosie. I woke up yesterday morning and she was lying curled up at the bottom of my bed. She lay curled up on mum's knee last night. She slept with Bert last night. She had her innings. But she'll be missed.
But they don't and and you deal with it and I can honestly, truly say that Rosie led a pretty perfect life. She was a total dreamboat that could charm the pants off most. When you know and love an animal, you find their ways so endearing that it breaks your heart you'll never know it again. Like the way she'd eat one hardnut at a time, the way she'd scritch and scratch at the door, incessantly, until you let her in, her obsessive-compulsive need to round up and herd other animals, her happy, excited tail-wagging when she saw a lead coming out, ah, the list goes on and on.
It's funny how the one weekend that I stayed in happened to be the last weekend I'd spend with Rosie. I woke up yesterday morning and she was lying curled up at the bottom of my bed. She lay curled up on mum's knee last night. She slept with Bert last night. She had her innings. But she'll be missed.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Pan-Aid-A
It's amazing the way reading the Sunday papers can inspire life-changing decisions. I always did want to join the circus (as a lion-tamer tamer, the person who tames the lion-tamer) and it seems that maybe it really is my true calling in life. I want to be a wheel gymnast like Achus Emeis. It looks like such good fun. All I need is a big wheel and a leotard. How hard could it be to find a big wheel?
I drank to the point of stupidity last weekend and vowed never to lip booze again. Of course I was as right as rain by Tuesday but I still had a quiet one this weekend. I was Pearlie-sitting while Mum and Bert spent a night away. Pearlie was no bother but it seems I actually need lessons in how to close hens up for the night.
I thought maybe a weekend of purity might help inspire a little creativity but, alas, no my brain cells must still be recovering from last weekend. The most constructive things I've done this weekend is build fires (I'd have made an excellent caveman) and learn how to cook panada* (is that how ye spell it ma?).
*Panada (or Panade, possibly?) pron. Pan-aid-A
Hannah's Dictionary Def: What you feed the cat when there's no canned meat or hard nuts; what you feed Pearlie when there's no spuds; a rare dish that rare people eat, consisting of a slice o' breed broken up, a wee taste o' warm water and a wee taste o' warmed milk; A culinary delight.
So, yeah, a really constructive weekend. I learnt how to make soggy bread in warm milk.
I drank to the point of stupidity last weekend and vowed never to lip booze again. Of course I was as right as rain by Tuesday but I still had a quiet one this weekend. I was Pearlie-sitting while Mum and Bert spent a night away. Pearlie was no bother but it seems I actually need lessons in how to close hens up for the night.
I thought maybe a weekend of purity might help inspire a little creativity but, alas, no my brain cells must still be recovering from last weekend. The most constructive things I've done this weekend is build fires (I'd have made an excellent caveman) and learn how to cook panada* (is that how ye spell it ma?).
*Panada (or Panade, possibly?) pron. Pan-aid-A
Hannah's Dictionary Def: What you feed the cat when there's no canned meat or hard nuts; what you feed Pearlie when there's no spuds; a rare dish that rare people eat, consisting of a slice o' breed broken up, a wee taste o' warm water and a wee taste o' warmed milk; A culinary delight.
So, yeah, a really constructive weekend. I learnt how to make soggy bread in warm milk.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Hannah Hates Holly Cat
A happy person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes.
I read this little ditty off a calendar at work. Considering my present circumstances at work I thought it was good advice. In fact, it's good advice for every aspect of life. It's too easy to blame your mood on external factors. Of course, to some extent, it can't be helped but I think we are more in control of our emotions than we care to let ourselves believe.
Here are some other proverbs floating round my brain:
If you don't ask, you don't get: How true, but just because you ask doesn't mean you're gonna get.
Don't count your chickens before they hatch: You might have ten eggs but 5 could be rotten.
Look before you leap: I've always struggled with this one. I like being impulsive but it pays to consider all possible outcomes. Sometimes.
Anyway, pet update: Bonnie is so hungry because of her 'roids she's taken to bin-hoking. Thankfully she's off the meds now; Paddy is most definitely gay - ask Jonathan; Rosie has become a member of my Hollycat-hating campaign. Holly makes me wonder why I wasted all that time trying to befriend stray cats.
I read this little ditty off a calendar at work. Considering my present circumstances at work I thought it was good advice. In fact, it's good advice for every aspect of life. It's too easy to blame your mood on external factors. Of course, to some extent, it can't be helped but I think we are more in control of our emotions than we care to let ourselves believe.
Here are some other proverbs floating round my brain:
If you don't ask, you don't get: How true, but just because you ask doesn't mean you're gonna get.
Don't count your chickens before they hatch: You might have ten eggs but 5 could be rotten.
Look before you leap: I've always struggled with this one. I like being impulsive but it pays to consider all possible outcomes. Sometimes.
Anyway, pet update: Bonnie is so hungry because of her 'roids she's taken to bin-hoking. Thankfully she's off the meds now; Paddy is most definitely gay - ask Jonathan; Rosie has become a member of my Hollycat-hating campaign. Holly makes me wonder why I wasted all that time trying to befriend stray cats.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
This is What I Am
You Are a Pig |
 You are very intelligent, and you enjoy being around people. You can trust others easily. You have great reasoning skills, and you are quick learner. You are able to adapt to most situations. You tend to be very territorial and picky. You don't like people messing with your stuff. You have keen senses and reflexes. You can defend yourself well and quickly sense danger. |
Last week I watched a film. I can't recall the name of it but it was a fantasy story where everyone had there demons on the outside and they took the form of an animal. Got me thinking about people I know and what animal would be their demon.
Nelly I thought would be an owl but Bert said: Are owls not meant to be wise?
When I told mum this she said she'd be more like a bison or some big herd animal. I thought Bert would be some kind of reptile, like a big iguana or one of them slow moving critters.
I asked a few people what they thought I would be. Jakers said a lynx. Dirt Bird said a fawn (yes a fawn, not a faun, I checked), Nigel said a Jack Russell, which worried me a bit 'cos it was a little too perceptive for someone who doesn't know me that well. As it turns out, I am a pig. A pig! Class.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Itsy Bitsy Thumbnail Size
I walked in yesterday to hear Bert playing this little gem on the clarinet. Yes, that's right, Bert is learning Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini. I think he was aiming for the Brian Hyland version but it was sounding a bit more like Timmy Mallet to me.
In other news: We have recently discovered that if you think of the most boring, mundane thing that's happened to you Pearlie will consider this to be the most exciting and entertaining news ever! If you tell her about something totally amazing, however, she'll look at you with a blank expression. Oh, and if she does ever eat anything it's only ever a bit the size of a thumbnail (but what kind of thumbnail? A human's? An elephant's?).
Doggy news: The cat is a bastard! Whiny, gurny, miaowing bastard! There is little joy with her. Bonnie has become a cunning food thief. Paddy proves time and time again that he's all brawn and no brains and Rosie is keeping a low profile (which means she's probably planning some kind of big drama).
Work Update: The less said the better. It's Friday, Yaaay!
In other news: We have recently discovered that if you think of the most boring, mundane thing that's happened to you Pearlie will consider this to be the most exciting and entertaining news ever! If you tell her about something totally amazing, however, she'll look at you with a blank expression. Oh, and if she does ever eat anything it's only ever a bit the size of a thumbnail (but what kind of thumbnail? A human's? An elephant's?).
Doggy news: The cat is a bastard! Whiny, gurny, miaowing bastard! There is little joy with her. Bonnie has become a cunning food thief. Paddy proves time and time again that he's all brawn and no brains and Rosie is keeping a low profile (which means she's probably planning some kind of big drama).
Work Update: The less said the better. It's Friday, Yaaay!
Monday, October 06, 2008
How Long's A Bitch?
This is the typical kind of text conversation I have with my mate Kerm:
Me: WHAT'S YR GEN TO DA A (GET IT? I THOUGHT IT WAS WELL SMART) TONIGHT? WHAT TIME YE BE OUT?
Kerm: I AM OUT
Me: RIGHT THEN COVE I'LL SEE YE IN A BITCH
Kerm: HOW LONG'S A BITCH?
Me: AS LONG AS A WEE WIGGLY WORM WRITHING ON A WREATH
Kerm: FUCK YOU BOYROOT. TIME?
Me: HALF SEVEN GRUMPY BALLS X
Kerm has little patience for me being vague about what time I come out. As it happened, I went out about ten and I'm not even sure I saw him. When I came down from getting ready mum looked at me and said: I have to laugh at you, it takes you 6 hours to get ready and you look exactly the same as you started.
Now, back to what's really important. Halloween. Mel, Nelly and I need some costume suggestions. Dad, I know you offered some but if I'm going to be drinking a lot it's probably best I don't look like something so horrendous that I'm gonna want to puke when I look at myself. Any ideas, let me know.
Me: WHAT'S YR GEN TO DA A (GET IT? I THOUGHT IT WAS WELL SMART) TONIGHT? WHAT TIME YE BE OUT?
Kerm: I AM OUT
Me: RIGHT THEN COVE I'LL SEE YE IN A BITCH
Kerm: HOW LONG'S A BITCH?
Me: AS LONG AS A WEE WIGGLY WORM WRITHING ON A WREATH
Kerm: FUCK YOU BOYROOT. TIME?
Me: HALF SEVEN GRUMPY BALLS X
Kerm has little patience for me being vague about what time I come out. As it happened, I went out about ten and I'm not even sure I saw him. When I came down from getting ready mum looked at me and said: I have to laugh at you, it takes you 6 hours to get ready and you look exactly the same as you started.
Now, back to what's really important. Halloween. Mel, Nelly and I need some costume suggestions. Dad, I know you offered some but if I'm going to be drinking a lot it's probably best I don't look like something so horrendous that I'm gonna want to puke when I look at myself. Any ideas, let me know.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Warning! Explicit Language, Your Eyes May Bleed
It's been a while since I did a blog rant. I kinda made a conscious effort to be more positive but y'know what? Fuck it. I'm gonna rant. Once again I'm disillusioned by the working world. I try to be as positive as I can about most of the jobs I do but sometimes it just gets to you. People! Stupid, incompetent, ignorant, ill-mannered, greedy, impatient, sly, stinking, rotten fuckers! Not all of them, of course, but this is my second day back at work after a week's holiday and I've just returned to chaos. Everybody wants something and they want it now. It's all about money, professionalism, pride and bollocks.
Ah, there, rant over. It does feel better to get it off my chest though. It's not that bad really. Things can always be worse. I'm lucky that it's just my job that's shitty. I'm lucky that it's a temporary job and I don't have the pressure of a career pinning me down anywhere. And as for the fuckers, I can choose not to let them annoy me. I can leave the crap behind me at five o'clock because I'm not paid to care past then.
So once again back to good things and fluffiness. Mum reminded me today that Halloween is creeping up on us. Z kindly provided me with this link to a website that shows you how to make your very own lion mask!! I don't know though. It's a wee bit too realistic and I might freak people out. I know that is the idea at Halloween but sometimes it can be taken just that bit too far. Kerm Dog springs to mind.
I would have some photos of my trip to England to plaster all over the place but I've had a huge falling out with digital technology. It wouldn't do what it was meant to do and I called it a piece of shit and it called me a bitch and said I hadn't a clue how to work it and I said that wasn't true it was purposely just being a complete twat to get at me. The fight ended in tears. But not mine.
Ah, there, rant over. It does feel better to get it off my chest though. It's not that bad really. Things can always be worse. I'm lucky that it's just my job that's shitty. I'm lucky that it's a temporary job and I don't have the pressure of a career pinning me down anywhere. And as for the fuckers, I can choose not to let them annoy me. I can leave the crap behind me at five o'clock because I'm not paid to care past then.
So once again back to good things and fluffiness. Mum reminded me today that Halloween is creeping up on us. Z kindly provided me with this link to a website that shows you how to make your very own lion mask!! I don't know though. It's a wee bit too realistic and I might freak people out. I know that is the idea at Halloween but sometimes it can be taken just that bit too far. Kerm Dog springs to mind.
I would have some photos of my trip to England to plaster all over the place but I've had a huge falling out with digital technology. It wouldn't do what it was meant to do and I called it a piece of shit and it called me a bitch and said I hadn't a clue how to work it and I said that wasn't true it was purposely just being a complete twat to get at me. The fight ended in tears. But not mine.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
I'm Not Crying, I've Just Been Cutting Onions
If you've been over at Nelly's you'll know that Bonnie is doing not too bad. She had some kind of red blod cell disease that she may possibly have contracted from onions, we're not sure, but she is home and she is alive so it's al good!
I just got back from a week in England seeing a lot of crazy cats. On Friday I met up with Dirt Bird and Scully-On. Dirt Bird wanted to be 15 again and drink cider in the park. I wanted to be 7 again and play on the swings in the park.
On Saturday we went for a drive to the Holly (Mighty) Bush just outside of Leek. It's a lovely wee canalside pub in the country. I've always loved it there. Dad, Linda and I would sometimes go for a drink then walk back to Leek by the canal path. We went there with Gravy Dave and Danny Boy. We had food and it was then that a very sinister character appeared, Charlie Chip Liddin' It. He's a story for another day though.
Ach, thinking about Charlie Chip just put me off there. I'm gonna have to finish this post by recommending that if you have a spare few minutes in your life check the Flights Of The Conchords out. Also, if you happen to be Norn Irish, you just can't not find this funny. Even if you're not from N.Iron, you'll probably still appreciate it.
I just got back from a week in England seeing a lot of crazy cats. On Friday I met up with Dirt Bird and Scully-On. Dirt Bird wanted to be 15 again and drink cider in the park. I wanted to be 7 again and play on the swings in the park.
On Saturday we went for a drive to the Holly (Mighty) Bush just outside of Leek. It's a lovely wee canalside pub in the country. I've always loved it there. Dad, Linda and I would sometimes go for a drink then walk back to Leek by the canal path. We went there with Gravy Dave and Danny Boy. We had food and it was then that a very sinister character appeared, Charlie Chip Liddin' It. He's a story for another day though.
Ach, thinking about Charlie Chip just put me off there. I'm gonna have to finish this post by recommending that if you have a spare few minutes in your life check the Flights Of The Conchords out. Also, if you happen to be Norn Irish, you just can't not find this funny. Even if you're not from N.Iron, you'll probably still appreciate it.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Bonnie
Feck and damnation! Only yesterday I was complaining about having nothing to write about. Today I wish I didn't have anything to write about.
Bonnie's sick. Sick as a dog. We knew it but I don't think we knew she was quite as sick as she is. Bert took her to the vet this morning. She needs a blood transfusion.
And bless her for she really has not been herself this past couple of days but she has tried.
Mum is devastated and praying to God that she'll be alright. I remember that day her and the labrador were dandering up the Dreen Road. Even then you could tell she was the friendliest dog in the world. It became apparent early on that she had been mistreated. She didn't know what it meant to be a dog.
Mum nurtured her, taught her how to play. Bert took her runs in the van so she eventually grew out of her travel sickness. Holly de cat and Z's Gracie would sink their teeth into her mane and she never once was angry.
Fuck I hope she's ok.
Bonnie's sick. Sick as a dog. We knew it but I don't think we knew she was quite as sick as she is. Bert took her to the vet this morning. She needs a blood transfusion.
And bless her for she really has not been herself this past couple of days but she has tried.
Mum is devastated and praying to God that she'll be alright. I remember that day her and the labrador were dandering up the Dreen Road. Even then you could tell she was the friendliest dog in the world. It became apparent early on that she had been mistreated. She didn't know what it meant to be a dog.
Mum nurtured her, taught her how to play. Bert took her runs in the van so she eventually grew out of her travel sickness. Holly de cat and Z's Gracie would sink their teeth into her mane and she never once was angry.
Fuck I hope she's ok.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
The Wedding Lurgi
We had a few visitors, over the weekend, here at Nellybert's. One in the form of World Head, aka Salt Face aka Jamie from Wolstanton, the other in the form of the lovely Mel aka the lovely Mel.
Such was the occasion that even Bert went to the pub. Bert must be well over his wedding lurgi* now because he didn't just go out on Friday night but Saturday night too, to see the Red Hot Chilli Pipers live in action at Portglenone. On Friday night mum was woken from her slumber by Bert poking her with a toasted bagel. When I asked mum what Bert was doing in her bed Jamie replied:
They're married now Hannah, they're allowed to do that.
I guess they are. On Sunday Mel came round for her dinner and Swisser provided the entertainment. She fainted into the kitchen, clutching the door frame, struggling to stand on her two wee leg's, which were trembling underneath her. She must have caught Bert's wedding lurgi but after a big feed of curry and chocolate orange cake and fudge, she was as right as rain. Lurgi forgotten about until she was leaving and was worried that if she hugged Mel she'd be passing on her lurgi germs. How ye doing Mel? Feeling faint and feverish?
Rosie and Bonnie, being clever dogs, knew who Jamie was instantly. Paddy, not being the brightest of pups, took at least 2 hours to work it out. Oh, but when he did!
* Bert developed a lurgi after he got married. Under no circumstances was Bert feeling so peely wally because of drink. His lurgi lasted for at least 2 weeks!
Such was the occasion that even Bert went to the pub. Bert must be well over his wedding lurgi* now because he didn't just go out on Friday night but Saturday night too, to see the Red Hot Chilli Pipers live in action at Portglenone. On Friday night mum was woken from her slumber by Bert poking her with a toasted bagel. When I asked mum what Bert was doing in her bed Jamie replied:
They're married now Hannah, they're allowed to do that.
I guess they are. On Sunday Mel came round for her dinner and Swisser provided the entertainment. She fainted into the kitchen, clutching the door frame, struggling to stand on her two wee leg's, which were trembling underneath her. She must have caught Bert's wedding lurgi but after a big feed of curry and chocolate orange cake and fudge, she was as right as rain. Lurgi forgotten about until she was leaving and was worried that if she hugged Mel she'd be passing on her lurgi germs. How ye doing Mel? Feeling faint and feverish?
Rosie and Bonnie, being clever dogs, knew who Jamie was instantly. Paddy, not being the brightest of pups, took at least 2 hours to work it out. Oh, but when he did!
* Bert developed a lurgi after he got married. Under no circumstances was Bert feeling so peely wally because of drink. His lurgi lasted for at least 2 weeks!
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
Electric Picnic: How Rachael Allen Got me Drunk
There was so much to see and do at this festival there was never a dull moment. It was easy to get sidetracked, like when we walked past the dancing skeletons and the brass band playing Tequila, or the fantastic water stomping show with butterfly acrobactics. Zoe wanted to check out the live cooking demo so we wandered over to where Rachael Allen (Ireland's answer to Nigella Lawson) whizzed up a Gazpacho, which I obsessed about (it seemed like a miracle hangover cure) until they brought out some cocktails (also, a miracle hangover cure). So, Rachael Allen got me drunk. She teased me with Gazpacho then she got me drunk. I love that woman. She's better than Nigella.
Aaaah, I'm starting to forget now, everything that happened, but something I'll probably never forget is when a very drunk (quite ignorant) fella came over to me as I sat on the grass and asked me if I had any herion!
Says I to he: What kind of question is that to ask a complete stranger?
Says he to me: I don't know I just thought maybe you might have some heroin.
Says I to he: Do I look like the sorta person who would have heroin?
Says he to me: Yes, you look malnourished and a little bit yellow!
If Rachael had given me that Gazpacho I'm sure I would have looked less yellow and slightly more nourished. I'm sure of it!
Aaaah, I'm starting to forget now, everything that happened, but something I'll probably never forget is when a very drunk (quite ignorant) fella came over to me as I sat on the grass and asked me if I had any herion!
Says I to he: What kind of question is that to ask a complete stranger?
Says he to me: I don't know I just thought maybe you might have some heroin.
Says I to he: Do I look like the sorta person who would have heroin?
Says he to me: Yes, you look malnourished and a little bit yellow!
If Rachael had given me that Gazpacho I'm sure I would have looked less yellow and slightly more nourished. I'm sure of it!
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
Electric Picnic: The Village Green
The Village Green was where all the silly, nonsense things took place. A lady vicar danced provokatively to Prince outside the inflatable church, the village firemen rescued a kitty from a tree, people eat bacon, cheese and jam sanwiches for breakfast (I am still slightly disturbed by this but free breakfast is free breakfast). This is also where the ferris wheel and carousel were located, where Zoe and I hooted and hollered with delight as we spun round and round, whilst trying to hold onto our (weird) breakfast.
Another Village Green attraction was the silent disco. How does a silent disco work, I hear you ask. Well, everyone goes in and is given a set of headphones. Half the room hears a selection of songs, while the other half hears a different selection of songs. The result: everyone is dancing to their own personal disco. When you take your headphones off and look around it's hilarious. Everyone's dancing and bouncing to silence. We were told when we went in that it was meant to be a silent disco and if we sang along they would stop playing music.
Obviously Zoe and I exhausted ourselves running around this place soaking up all the excitement so when it all got too much we'd hang out in the Mind and Soul area. This is where all the hippies could be found, hugging trees, lounging about in hammocks, and generally being at peace with the world...
Obviously Zoe and I exhausted ourselves running around this place soaking up all the excitement so when it all got too much we'd hang out in the Mind and Soul area. This is where all the hippies could be found, hugging trees, lounging about in hammocks, and generally being at peace with the world...
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
Electric Picnic: The Music
Yessss! Live music was just the injection my soul needed. this is who I saw at Electric Picnic 2008:
Tinariwen - I'd never heard of them before (annoyingly, mum had) but I was intrigued by the programme's description of their desert jazz tunes. I wasn't disappointed either. Good music for chilling out to.
Christy Moore - Christy put on a class show because he seemed to be enjoying himself and he pulled in a big crowd. He only played upbeat songs and so everyone was really cheery and bouncy. You can't not smile and dance when your Irish and you hear Lisdoonvarna played live.
Gomez - I love this band and was looking forward to seeing them the most. They were fantastic but definitely not the music highlight of the weekend. It seemed like they were bored of playing their songs and they lacked any real stage presence. The two main singers didn't interact with the crowd at all and seemed a bit grumpy. They only played songs off Bring It On, which almost seemed like cheating. Still very good. But I said to Zoe that I didn't think I wanted them to come to our Halloween party anymore.
Duffy - I'm not a huge Duffy fan so we just saw the last couple of songs from her set. Can't say much about her though except that she's better than Amy Winehouse purely for the fact she remembers her words.
Franz Ferdinand - I'm ashamed to admit that I only really knew the sngles before seeing them but I am encouraged to seek out more (Dad, that is in no way a subtle hint to suggest that you could maybe, possibly copy me some CD's :) Good music to dance to. So we danced.
The Breeders - Yaaaaaaaaaaayyyy!! I am so happy I got to see the coolest female bassist ever. Kim and her twin sister Kelly are fantastic. They are definitely invited to our Halloween party. They smiled and talked the whole way through their set. They played a perfect blend of old and new songs and they played all the classics. I could've watched them play all night. Kim told us her mum had alzheimers before saying "She wrote some words in this next song" They were astounding and I walked away feeling like I was 14 and had just seen my idols (well, maybe not quite like that but it was awesome)
Sinead O'Connor - We couldn't actually be arsed going in to see her. We just listened to her whine from outside. She did play Nothing Compares 2 U but by that time me and Zoe were more interested in getting free tea and Flakes.
Grinderman - I had to listen to them on Zoe's ipod 'cause I'd never heard them before. Nick Cave at his finest. Same deep haunting voice, same crazy, mental rock music, but rather than being just dark, he is now humourously dark. I loved it! The only downside was that it was difficult to see the band because Nick Cave attracts abnormally tall people.
The Gossip - They're just a good fun, punk rock, chick band, how could I not like them? We missed a good bit of it but ejoyed what we saw.
Conor Oberst and The Mystic Valley Band - I'm more familiar with Bright Eyes but I think Conor Oberst is a lyrical genius so obviously I was gonna love anything he did. Apparently Conor was rotten with a cold when he played but he mentioned getting something from "a nice Scottish doctor" and somehow I don't think it was Beecham's. He actually seems like an arrogant little shit with strange quirks that he thinks are cool but are actually quite annoying. It doesn't matter though because he is cool, so he gets away with it. We loved them.
So that was the music. That was only a tiny bit of the festival. There was so much more but my fingers are weary from typing so it'll have to wait another day.
Tinariwen - I'd never heard of them before (annoyingly, mum had) but I was intrigued by the programme's description of their desert jazz tunes. I wasn't disappointed either. Good music for chilling out to.
Christy Moore - Christy put on a class show because he seemed to be enjoying himself and he pulled in a big crowd. He only played upbeat songs and so everyone was really cheery and bouncy. You can't not smile and dance when your Irish and you hear Lisdoonvarna played live.
Gomez - I love this band and was looking forward to seeing them the most. They were fantastic but definitely not the music highlight of the weekend. It seemed like they were bored of playing their songs and they lacked any real stage presence. The two main singers didn't interact with the crowd at all and seemed a bit grumpy. They only played songs off Bring It On, which almost seemed like cheating. Still very good. But I said to Zoe that I didn't think I wanted them to come to our Halloween party anymore.
Duffy - I'm not a huge Duffy fan so we just saw the last couple of songs from her set. Can't say much about her though except that she's better than Amy Winehouse purely for the fact she remembers her words.
Franz Ferdinand - I'm ashamed to admit that I only really knew the sngles before seeing them but I am encouraged to seek out more (Dad, that is in no way a subtle hint to suggest that you could maybe, possibly copy me some CD's :) Good music to dance to. So we danced.
The Breeders - Yaaaaaaaaaaayyyy!! I am so happy I got to see the coolest female bassist ever. Kim and her twin sister Kelly are fantastic. They are definitely invited to our Halloween party. They smiled and talked the whole way through their set. They played a perfect blend of old and new songs and they played all the classics. I could've watched them play all night. Kim told us her mum had alzheimers before saying "She wrote some words in this next song" They were astounding and I walked away feeling like I was 14 and had just seen my idols (well, maybe not quite like that but it was awesome)
Sinead O'Connor - We couldn't actually be arsed going in to see her. We just listened to her whine from outside. She did play Nothing Compares 2 U but by that time me and Zoe were more interested in getting free tea and Flakes.
Grinderman - I had to listen to them on Zoe's ipod 'cause I'd never heard them before. Nick Cave at his finest. Same deep haunting voice, same crazy, mental rock music, but rather than being just dark, he is now humourously dark. I loved it! The only downside was that it was difficult to see the band because Nick Cave attracts abnormally tall people.
The Gossip - They're just a good fun, punk rock, chick band, how could I not like them? We missed a good bit of it but ejoyed what we saw.
Conor Oberst and The Mystic Valley Band - I'm more familiar with Bright Eyes but I think Conor Oberst is a lyrical genius so obviously I was gonna love anything he did. Apparently Conor was rotten with a cold when he played but he mentioned getting something from "a nice Scottish doctor" and somehow I don't think it was Beecham's. He actually seems like an arrogant little shit with strange quirks that he thinks are cool but are actually quite annoying. It doesn't matter though because he is cool, so he gets away with it. We loved them.
So that was the music. That was only a tiny bit of the festival. There was so much more but my fingers are weary from typing so it'll have to wait another day.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Yes, It Really Happened
I was always reluctant to dress like a girl. I wore trousers for my first 2 years at school because I downright refused to wear a skirt. They managed to get me in one for my First Holy Communion but when I was confirmed I was the only lass wearing trousers. I know many men who have worn a dress more recently than I have!
It's not everyday you get to see yer ma getting married though, so after much deliberation, I ended up wearing a dress. For an hour. And it was long enough. Here is the photographic evidence for people who don't believe it actually happened or for those of you intrigued by what I might look like as a woman. It's unlikely that mum will ever get married again so, therefore, unlikely that I'll ever be seen wearing a dress again.
It's not everyday you get to see yer ma getting married though, so after much deliberation, I ended up wearing a dress. For an hour. And it was long enough. Here is the photographic evidence for people who don't believe it actually happened or for those of you intrigued by what I might look like as a woman. It's unlikely that mum will ever get married again so, therefore, unlikely that I'll ever be seen wearing a dress again.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Bert Sets The Alarm
I was chatting to The Wee Manny on the phone tonight. He wanted to talk to Bert who'd just waslked in the door in a fluster, rushing to put the green things on for dinner. I told The Wee Manny he was in a bit of a fluster.
Y'see that's married life, it's changed him, says the Wee Manny.
It's only been a week, I said.
Aye, but I can tell within a week, I know him, says The Wee Manny.
Well I have noticed he's a wee bit more domesticated since he's been married, says I.
That's why he's flustered, says The Wise Old Wee Manny.
Bert's been looking after Clint's beasts while he's been away at some tractor show in Yorkshire. Between looking after them, his mum, dealing with the potato blight and cooking McFalls Balls and green things for dinner it's hardly surprising he's flustered. His cousin Margaret said to him, at eight o'clock tonight before he was rushing out the door, Bertie, there's an alarm going off upstairs. It was his alarm clock and he said Oh, so that's why it didn't go off at eight this morning. Margaret replied, That's a likely Bert excuse if ever I heard one!
Y'see that's married life, it's changed him, says the Wee Manny.
It's only been a week, I said.
Aye, but I can tell within a week, I know him, says The Wee Manny.
Well I have noticed he's a wee bit more domesticated since he's been married, says I.
That's why he's flustered, says The Wise Old Wee Manny.
Bert's been looking after Clint's beasts while he's been away at some tractor show in Yorkshire. Between looking after them, his mum, dealing with the potato blight and cooking McFalls Balls and green things for dinner it's hardly surprising he's flustered. His cousin Margaret said to him, at eight o'clock tonight before he was rushing out the door, Bertie, there's an alarm going off upstairs. It was his alarm clock and he said Oh, so that's why it didn't go off at eight this morning. Margaret replied, That's a likely Bert excuse if ever I heard one!
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