Yes, It Really Happened

I was always reluctant to dress like a girl. I wore trousers for my first 2 years at school because I downright refused to wear a skirt. They managed to get me in one for my First Holy Communion but when I was confirmed I was the only lass wearing trousers. I know many men who have worn a dress more recently than I have!

It's not everyday you get to see yer ma getting married though, so after much deliberation, I ended up wearing a dress. For an hour. And it was long enough. Here is the photographic evidence for people who don't believe it actually happened or for those of you intrigued by what I might look like as a woman. It's unlikely that mum will ever get married again so, therefore, unlikely that I'll ever be seen wearing a dress again.

Bert Sets The Alarm

I was chatting to The Wee Manny on the phone tonight. He wanted to talk to Bert who'd just waslked in the door in a fluster, rushing to put the green things on for dinner. I told The Wee Manny he was in a bit of a fluster.

Y'see that's married life, it's changed him, says the Wee Manny.

It's only been a week, I said.

Aye, but I can tell within a week, I know him, says The Wee Manny.

Well I have noticed he's a wee bit more domesticated since he's been married, says I.

That's why he's flustered, says The Wise Old Wee Manny.

Bert's been looking after Clint's beasts while he's been away at some tractor show in Yorkshire. Between looking after them, his mum, dealing with the potato blight and cooking McFalls Balls and green things for dinner it's hardly surprising he's flustered. His cousin Margaret said to him, at eight o'clock tonight before he was rushing out the door, Bertie, there's an alarm going off upstairs. It was his alarm clock and he said Oh, so that's why it didn't go off at eight this morning. Margaret replied, That's a likely Bert excuse if ever I heard one!

Poor Wacko

I had completely forgotten about the Brit Awards when Jarvis Cocker got up on stage with Wacko Jacko and waved his ass at him. Classic moment in T.V. and music history if you ask me. Made a hero out of Jarvis. The clip of him actually doing it was taking ages to upload on You Tube but I found this little gem instead.

Of course I'm on Jarvis' side. Always thought M.J. was just a little too crazy but I do love his press statement where he says he feels sickened, saddened, shocked, upset, cheated and angry. Most people would sum that up as being pissed off. I also like that he claims to respect them as artists. Can't really see Michael moonwalkin' to Common People but ye never know.

Time For Bed

Since getting free internet browsing on my mobile I have become addicted to downloading theme tune midis for my ringtones. It's a terrible affliction that stemmed from having the I Dream Of Jeannie theme song in my head. I have trawled through lists of TV and movie themes, downloaded dozens, deleted a fair few, 'cos they were shite, but one that remains is The Magic Roundabout theme. I want it to be my alarm in the morning.

As always one thought leads to another and I was reminded of Bill Bailey's take on The Magic Roundabout. Maybe you have to have a certain sense of humour to appreciate it but I think it's hilarious. Bill Bailey is right, The Magic Roundabout is sinister. Maybe it's not the bst thing to wake up to in the morning.

I Do Though Don't I Though

wedding 020
Originally uploaded by NellyMoser

Here's the evidence. Nelly and Bert got married. Bert looks very stoical but he's not. This is his happy face. Mum has lovely rosy cheeks. These cheeks got rosier as the night went on. She was a proper blushing bride although not because she was embarrassed but because of the vast quanitites of champagne she consumed.

We all knew it wasn't going to be a traditional wedding but mum did have the something old (second-hand clutch bag), something new (shoes), something borrowed (Pearl necklace from Pearlie) and something blue (her dress). The only other tradition they kept was Bert carrying mum over the threshold. Except that the only way he thought he'd be able to do it was by giving her a piggyback (Bert had also consumed vast quantites of champagne by this stage). This of course resulted in Mum falling down.

The bits in between mum and Bert saying 'I do' and mum falling down involved eating delicious food, drinking and generally enjoying the merriment. The youngest Miss Banjo did a class speech, followed by me saying a few words on behalf of the folk that couldn't be there and then the Wee Manny rather impressivley stood up and and rattled out a speech from the top of his head. And who better to do it than the man that introduced them?

It was a lovely day and although many people were missed and thought of, the small crowd made it much more intimate and special for mum and Bert. I still reckon they should've had the party of the century but it's only 2 months 'til Hallow'een. Yeeeoooww!

Problem Solved

Ed the Duck
Originally uploaded by hootchinhannah

Although Nelly is perfectly happy with my choice to wear jeans for her wedding it seems there are quite a few people (mostly men) who feel that I should be making an effort to doll myself up. One of the driver's at work said I'd look like a gypsy turning up in jeans and when we looked back at the wedding photos people would comment on the hobo who was just passing by and decided to join in with the celebrations.

Well, to save my head being turned with frocks and jeans I've decided that I'm going to wear a romper suit like the one I had when I was 1. I may also get my hair bleached and cut into an Ed the Duck mohawk but I'll see how I feel tomorrow.

Frock Shock

There was me thinking that I was well organised for Moms' wedding. I should have known better. If I try to be organised it backfires and I end up having to do things at the last minute anyway. The jeans I ordered were no good and I didn't return them in time to get different ones (damn that posting parcels phobia of mine!).

I was in the town on Saturday with big sis Zoe and my cousin (the surly one) and I stupidly made a joke about wearing a frock to the wedding. I only tried on 2 dresses but it seemed like I had to change clothes a million times. No matter how hard Trinny and Susannah tried they failed to convince me that wearing a dress was a good idea. They were both very sweet, patient and encouraging and I was a total brat who stomped my foot down and cried But I just want to wear jeans!

So now I have to go wedding outfit shopping the Saturday before the wedding. But it still won't be as horrendous as getting an outfit for Auntie D's wedding when a friend offered her services as personal shopper, got pissed off with me turning my nose up at everything until she eventually bullied me into buying a top I didn't even want. She then took it upon herself to buy me a pair of shoes that I hadn't even seen and expected me to go fetch them off her the same day I was getting my flight! That was the flight I never actually made because I was being violently ill all over Liverpool airport. So however stressful it is getting kitted out it couldn't possibly be as bad as that. Although perhaps I shouldn't jinx things.

Don't Fear The Reaper

When I was younger I was one of those children that was feared of everything. I was scared of the dark, bears in the woods, being put in a children's home, the squashy tomato-faced man living in the attic. I would hover above the toilet for fear a hand would reach up and grab me and pull me down to the sewers. We had this dresser in our bedroom with mirrors that folded over so you could check the back of your hair. It terrified me because when you looked into it you could see your reflection multiplied by a hundred and I was always sure that one of those Hannah's was going to give me a cheeky wink or do something that I didn't do.

Life can be a scary place when you're young and fear is something I now rarely experience. The racing, beating heart, cold, sweaty palms, the feeling that your insides are going to crawl up you gullet and come spitting out your mouth. The last time I felt like this it had very little to do with unearthly creatures and a lot to do with Thai immigration.

This is why I am already excited about Halloween. I've decided on behalf of Nelly and Bert that we will be having a full-on fancydress halloween party (I'll finally get to be a lion Danny Boy!) Zoe and I will create an array of tasty halloween themed treats and there will be a magical mystery ghost tour (um...Mels, fancy being a ghost for a night? I'll pay you in people's souls). Perhaps even the Squashy tomato-faced man will make an appearance. Yaaay!! I can't wait!

Bleeding Gums Bowyer

I went to the dentist on Thursday morning as the tooth wasn't getting any better and my face had swollen up. She told me it was an abcess and asked if I wanted it pulled out right there and then. Yes! The feud was finally going to be over between me and this wretched tooth. And I was going to win! No gas and air though. I had to brave it with injections and keeping my eyes shut and pretending that she was not wrenching this massive lump of tooth and metal from my mouth (you just can't help but feel a bit violated though). And she kept lying and saying it was nearly over.

After this I called in at Trevor Keyes music shop and walked out with a brand new alto saxophone. My new baby. She is shiny, dinky and I have white gloves to play her with (but I won't). Unfortunately, because of the tooty mouth, I couldn't play her and Bert got to christen it. I might go to San Franciso and do a bit of busking. Considering the dodgy state of my teeth I could go by the name of Bleeding Gums Bowyer. Get myself a wee dog and busk my way down to Mexico. Ahh...you can do anything when you've got a new saxophone.

What Kind Of Musical Instrument Should I Play

You Should Play the Saxophone

You are charismatic, friendly, and very uninhibited. You have a lot of personal expression to bring your music. Improvisational and informal, you can't deal with an instrument that has too many rules or complexities. You are much more interested in creating unique solos than immersing yourself in music theory. You have a lot of style, and you definitely are one smooth operator. And while you may not play perfectly, no one's going to accuse you of being boring. Your dominant personality characteristic: being very outgoing Your secondary personality characteristic: your flair for the unique and dramatic

What Musical Instrument Should You Play?

It's a good job I've got one!!

I Want An Extraction Please

AAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!

One word: Toothache.

I have a tooth (I say tooth but there's more filling than tooth there now) that's been hassling me for years. We had a massive falling out in 2002 and since then I've wanted it gone. Everytime I go to the dentist I plead with them to extract it (extraction - such a lovely word) but they always seem to think they can fix it. The last dentist to attempt this admitted it was a tricky tooth to fill but she was always much more interested in what she was having for dinner.

I don't actually mind the dentist too much. You have sore teeth and they fix them. My dentist in Ballymena gives me gas and air. Gas and air's ace. You don't care that there's someone poking about your mouth and hoovering the slabbers away. You find it hilariously funny when the dentist starts talking about buccals and fissures and you come away from the whole experience mellow and chilled and with teeth that no longer hurt. Yaay!

Love's Young Dream

b&m
Originally uploaded by NellyMoser

Bert and Mum have been together for 22 years. I was 4 when they first started dating. My most vivid memory of Bert back then was him punching a hole in the bedroom wall when he had the misfortune of babysitting me. I must have been a complete, total brat (anyone who knows me well will vouch for this) as it takes a LOT to piss Bertie Boy off to the point where walls suffer.

Anyway, despite many more tantrums like that, having to share a house with 4 screaming, fighting women from Hell and years of having the Pee taken out of him, Bert is still around, and not only that, is going to make an honest woman out of me ma.

At first the idea of Bert and Mum getting married made me laugh out loud. Then when I came round to the idea I suggested to them that this could be THE party of the century. People would come flocking from all over the world to hear Bert and Nelly say 'I do'. But, sadly, they did not share the same enthusiam.

So a quiet affair has been arranged and I am the ring bearer (now are you really sure about that mum for I haven't had a good track record with rings just lately? - Perhaps there would be a safer job for me... like just being there).

Anyway, I must be getting excited because I've even ordered myself new jeans just for the occasion. And so while there is excitement in the air I'd like to take this opportunity to congratulate Mr. Orr and Mrs Nearly Orr and hope that their 'big day' is everything they hope for.

Now I have to go and wipe the cheese from my brow.

Roxy

The time has come! I'm 26 now, a big girl, some would even call me an adult and so it's about time I had a computer of my very own. I'll call her Roxy. She'll connect me with The Universe and I'll clutter her hard drive with toot.

I need some help though. I know nothing about computers. I don't know what makes are good or what kind of prices I should pay. All I know is I want a laptop. All I need a computer for is internet, music and photos so I don't need anything too posh. If anyone has any ideas please advise.

'Cause, y'see, if I have a computer I can watch things that make me laugh, such as this Black Books clip, which shows Bernard at his absolute finest. The 'Tower Of Soup' always makes me smile.

Tatyo Cheese and What?

The Best Crisps
Originally uploaded by hootchinhannah

Here in Ireland we are very fond of our Tayto crisps. Everyone I know that has visited from England has gone back home armed with packs upon packs of Tayto Onion Rings. When I put this picture up on flickr it aroused feelings of nostalgia for many irish folk who no longer live here.

What makes Tayto crisps so good? Well, we could never know because that would involve learning what the secret ingredient is and that's a secret.

But if you were eager to find out more about Tayto (I say eager, what I mean is deranged), you could always book yourself in for a factory tour. Oh yes, come to Northern Ireland where you can visit the Giant's Causeway, cross the ropebridge, drink Bushmills....and visit Mr. Tayto who smells awfully like cheese and onion...hmmm. By the way, the secret ingredient is obviously crack cocaine. There's a dude from up the Doury Rd. does Mr. Tayto a good deal.

Rock Off With Satan

How can you not love these guys? Tenacious D in The Pick Of Destiny. What else ya gonna do when you come face to face with the Divil himsel' but have a Rock Off.

Gravy Dave Grooving At The Grouse

I'm literally having to squeeze this post out of my ass. I'm suffering from Blogger Constipation. Gravy Dave was in town on Friday so I treated him to the wonders of Ballymena on the 11th night. This involved getting drunk at O'Rawes then heading to the Grouse to join the 5 other people on the disco dancefloor. After 2o minutes of bumping and grinding with a wasted 40 year old we decided that was enough of that and headed up to Jakers (with Kerm Dog, Chemical Del and the 5 other people from the Grouse). We picked up a few other strays along the way and spent the night partying.

I think Gravy Dave had a pleasant enough time. As long as beer is involved he's generally pretty happy. I love easily pleased people. Gravy Dave gets excited about waiting at bus stations so he's my kind of guy (as this means I don't have to feel guilty when I've left him waiting ages because I was playing with the dogs). I can't say I remember a whole lot about Friday night but I do remember sitting beside this guy, let's call him Rodrick 'cos I can't remember his name. When I sat down he said

Alright Miss Bowyer?

I replied,

How do you know my surname?

He said,

I know everything Hannah Clare Bowyer.

I said,

Woah! Seriously how do you know my name, who do you know?

Then he smiled and said,

Fifteen eighty two.

I said,

Nah, swear to God, how do you know my birthday as well?

He just laughed and said,

You left your passport sitting there.

A Prince Albert For Jack

When you work with lorry drivers you talk to them at your own peril. Innocent things can be turned into filth. Everything you say can be misconstrued. This leads to face reddening situations. For example:

While having a conversation about devices that remove staples (staple removers) you should not say They're only good if you have a big thick one and you can pull it out.

This will only be met with roars of laughter and severe ridiculing about pulling big thick ones out.

It is also not a good idea to tell your work colleagues about a dirty looking fella who was in last week holding a big tool. If you don't know the name of the tool he's holding you should say nothing.

When accepting a lift from one of the drivers be prepared for him to answer a call from The Boss on his mobile screaming: Would ye get a away from me! Get away! That's the last time I give that wee girl a lift home, she won't keep her hands off me!

It's like being back in the playground but it is funny when The Boss shouts out: Hannah do ye know what a Prince Albert is?

I do aye.

Tell Jack what it is, he disnae know what a Prince Albert is.

So I explained to Jack what a Prince Albert is. He is so enlightened he's thinking of getting one.

Oul' Pearlie Blue

When it comes to Bert's mum Pearlie I normally have the patience of a saint but she is possibly one of the most negative people I have ever known. The other night she couldn't eat the spud I made her. She was too full. As well as that the spud wisnae very nice. When I told her I hadn't really learnt how to cook potatoes yet she told me it was cooked fine but still, it wisnae very nice. And not only that, it was a wee bit cold too.

Most folk try their best to hide signs of discontent. Not Pearlie. She positively embraces negativity. Nothing is ever right. You could move mountains for her and she's say you moved it in the wrong direction. You could hand her a check for a million pounds and she'd say That's great but I weeshed ye'd have written it in blue ink. You could show her the cutest most adorable puppy/baby/kitten and she'd say I dinnae like it, it looks like a wee frog! She doesn't get called Pearlie Blue for nothing.

We Don't Need No Education

Kids today are certainly receiving a top notch education! According to this article, writing fuck off as an answer to an English essay is worth at least 2 points for correct spelling ('tis not exactly hard to learn as it's graffitied on nearly every wall in the UK) and conveying meaning (hmmm, is this actually the meaning we want children to convey?).

It's ridiculous but what's even more ridiculous is that the essay title, to which the student responded with an obscenity, was: Describe the room you're sitting in.

I know it was a long time ago since I sat my GCSE's but I'm sure not much has changed since then. I don't think students sit their exams at the Zoo or in a spaceship or Alton Towers. So therefore, asking them to describe the room they're sitting in is a bit lame.

The room I am sitting in is approximately 50ft by 35ft. The walls are white. There is a clock on the wall. There are 60 desks but only 57 chairs. There are 60 children all wearing the same uniform.

You can't really blame the kid for writing fuck off. I think I would've too.

Bonnie's Hungry

Looks like I've no choice but to pursue a career in tree-felling as the lovely Mels has been royally shafted by Britain's sorry excuse for a postal service. I did think about getting a job in the sorting office but it seems Mel will kick my gremliney ass if I do.

I can't write this post because Bonnie dog is whining: Hannah get up off your fat lazy-hoor ass and make me some goddam dinner.

Honestly, she's got such a foul mouth and bulshy manner. I wonder where she learnt that from?