The Adventures Of Hannah's Phone

The reason I didn't send anyone any New Year greetings via text was because I lost my phone. Or rather, my phone was accidentally taken from my house. I say accidentally but who knows? A girl had the same phone as me. This girl and her fella thought that someone else at my house had called her a dog. Technically they had but it wasn't meant to offend. Anyway, this lass went home with my phone. I thought she might call my home number and get it back to me but she didn't.

A week and a half later, after I'd given up and bought a new phone, a girl in work told me she'd forgotten I'd lost my phone, called it and it was ringing. I called it and it was ringing but no answer. So if my phone was on it meant someone had charged it and was using it. I sent a text message saying: I think you accidentally took my phone with you on New Year but you can contact me on this no. and we can arrange for me to get it back.

No reply. I tried ringing it again. Switched off. By this point I was raging because I knew they had my phone and were using it. Monday morning in work I got a phone call from a solicitor in Ballymena. She had my phone. She'd called the office number which was my old boss' number and they told her where I worked. She'd found it on the street and went out of her way to get it back to me. She's one type of person. The chick and fella who thought they'd got a free phone out of me are another type.

I got my phone back but they'd deleted all my pictures and deleted a lot of numbers. They'd set it up to how they wanted it to be. None of that really matters though. I don't need the phone now 'cos I got a new one but the main thing is, they don't have it.

A Decommendation

After forcing mum and Bert to watch Tideland and then watching it again with Jakers I have decided it is not the kind of film that should be recommended. It's the kind of film that should be stumbled upon, accidentally. It can only be described as uncomfortable viewing, sugar-coated with exceptional cinematography and superb acting, but uncomfortable viewing all the same. It is a good film, just in a very twisted way. Watch it if you're brave.

Free Gift With Coat

Finally, a story from work that I can actually blog about. For surely that is the whole point of working, non?

A lass I work with, let's call her Alex, picked out a brown coat yesterday that was on sale for £8. She loved it and bought it and was wearing it in the shop when a customer asked her if there were any more. There wasn't.

When Alex took her break she left her coat in the shop. She also left the labels on her new coat so when a customer took it up to the cashdesk wee Prawn sold it, not realising it was Alex's.

How gutted was Alex that her new coat had been sold? Very. How much did we laugh when she told us she'd chewed off all her false nails and put them in the coat pocket? Lots! How funny would it be to see the look on the girl's face when she reaches into the pocket of her brand new coat and discovers someone elses' manky chewed up nails? VERY!!!!!!

Christmas All Over Again

Online shopping's a funny thing for me. It takes me a while to get into but when I do it becomes dangerous. Dad got me a gift voucher and I wanted new music but when it came to it I didn't know what to get. We watched the film Juno on Christmas day and I thought it had a nice wee mellow soundtrack so that was my first purchase. I'd been ranting and raving about Jeff Noon recently so I bought Pollen and Nymphomation. The final thing I got was Tideland. I'd watched this a couple of years ago and, typically, forgot the name of it. I told Kerm one night that it was called Fields Of Corn. It's a Terry Gilliam movie and although it's a bit dark it's extremely captivating. I then proceeded to the checkout to discover that I couldn't pay with my voucher because I'd bought used items. Aw weel...

I paid with my card and continued shopping. Suddenly I was inspired. I got the Black Rebel Motorcycle Club's B.R.M.C. and a weird CD by Jack Johnson and friends called Curious George. I probably should've checked that one first. I also got Death In Vegas' Scorpio Rising. Nice bit of chill out music to soothe the mind. The last thing I got was The Tao of Pooh and The Te of Piglet by Benjamin Hoff. Thanks dad for all my lovely presents!!

Short 'n' Sweet (Like Dirt Bird)

Bert told us yesterday that he was in lighting Pearlie's fire the other day and she ordered him to pass her a pair of her white bloomers. Bert, being the obedient son that he is, dutifully passed the closest pair of Pearlie Pants to hand, flung them at her and got back to his manly buisness of fire-making. When he turned to look at Pearlie again he was surprised to see her brandishing the bloomers on her head. Says he: Whit d'ye have them on yer heid fer? Says she: Ma ears are cold!

So Bert left her to it, warming her ears with a pair of her pants. Forgot all about it 'til the carers came in to tend Pearlie and all he heard was great guffaws coming from her room!

Festive Cheer For My Teeth

Happy Christmas!!! When you get all the stress by you it's actually quite a nice time of year. I got lots of lovely presents from everyone. Amongst my favourites were the hat that Auntie J got me. It's a peaked beanie hat which is even better than a beanie hat because you can wear it in the summer and claim the peak keeps the sun out of your eyes. A hat for all seasons! I also loved the tee shirt Katkins got me and dearest dad sent me some Franz Ferdinand CD's and an amazon gift voucher. New music!!! My eardrums are trembling with delight. Mels spoiled me with Jelly Belly Beans, as did Moms and Auntie D. They must've picked up, somewhere along the line, that I like jelly beans. I think I have enough that I could actually take a bath in them.

Zoe created the best calendar ever, featuring 2 of the finests dog beasts in all this land. Another one of my best presents was from Danny Boy who sent me packets of Pocky, a Thai biscuit snack. I checked out the website which then inspired me to do a bit of sweetie research on the net (is that not what Christmas day is for?). I came across this site. Amazing. Scroll down and check out the crazy sugar delights such as cherry flavoured Bounty, Kit Kat chunky cookie dough flavour, Crunchie Freddo's! This may be my new favourite site. I especially love the 'chewy sweets and bars' section which includes the Skittles Chocolate mix!!! My teeth actually hurt looking at it.

There was another present I got from someone and it was really lovely. Unfortunately all he got back was socks and fudge. He would've got a chocolate russian roulette game as well except...uh...I couldn't wrap it so....uh.....Me, Mels, and Moms played it instead. Mum lost and had to eat the chilli sweet. She bait it into her mouth after claiming that she'd probably already eaten the chilli one without realising it. But the look on her face proved her wrong!!! Sorry Jakes but it was good fun.

Time to eat curry and bathe in jelly beans. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

Hats For Hot Water Bottles

Do you know how hard it is to get a beanie hat these days? Very. And do you know who I blame? Emo kids. Their hairstyles are too cool to cover up with boring headwear. And do you know what else is really hard to get? Hot water bottles, especially ones that come without a ridiculous soft and fluffy cover. Do people dress thir hot water bottles in coats in case they get cold?

I was nicknamed Hot Water Bottle Head Hannah by Jakers because, apparently, my head generates tremendous heat. Then why am I always so fecking cold? Mels once told me that you lose most of your body heat through your head. I remember her being sick with the lurgi and wearing a hat in bed. I need a hat for my hot water bottle head. I think I can see a point in those hot water bottle covers after all.

Christmas Shoes and Bully Beef

The job had been going alright but then today I was reminded what happens when a lot of girls work together; gossiping, bitching (or slabbering, as Ballymena folk like to say), whining, moaning, I said she said, and general annoying girly behaviour. Ach, it's not that bad, I'm just intolerant of this in the workplace. It's bad enough having to go out to work without having to work in a bad atmosphere.

On a brighter note, Salt Face has reminded me of a truly moving Christmas song about a pair of Christmas shoes. This song should probably actually have been banned because it's so disturbingly harrowing.

With all the excitement of the new batch of pork I had totally forgot about the bull calves Bert and Wacko are harvesting. I was asking if there meat would be veal when they died. Bert said they wouldn't. Oh how him and mum laughed at me when I asked if the meat would be bully beef. I couldn't figure out why they were laughing so much. I thought bully beef was the meat from an old bull hence the name, bully beef. It was in fact what people called corned beef in war times. Bert's folks used to refer to corned beef as bully beef. It's because none of his family were in the war so they had to pretend.

Also, I'd really love to know, is it easier to fold big blankets if you are taller?

Ho Ho Oh!

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery but today is a gift, that's why they call it the present.

This line was taken from Kung Fu Panda. I've been wrapping Christmas presents. It's taken me 26 years to learn a few things about wrapping presents. For example, only use the amount of paper needed. Excess paper makes for messy, bulky wrapping. Scotch tape, preferably on a tape dispenser, is the only way forward. It's the only sellotape that I don't get tangled up in. It's ten times classier looking than black tape too. The other thing that helps is patience. Too many years I have left wrapping to the last possible minute and handed over gifts that a 4 year old child could have wrapped better. The only good thing about this method is there's no way anyone's gonna guess what their present is.

At least I'm feeling a wee bit christmassy now. I still have loads to do but at least now I'm in the mood for doing them. Mels and Dirt Bird will both be home soon, which is good 'cause I've missed my girlies. Mels has some serious celebrating the end of her horrible examies to do and Dirt Bird has loads of getting drunk with Hannah and forgetting everything that happened to do! Yaay I can't wait!!

Sweaty Sweets

This is how my mind works: I'm unashamedly addicted to blogthings. The latest quiz they have featured is What Kind Of Sweater Are You? I immediately start to think about all the different ways you can sweat; profusely, coldly, sporadically? Of course it meant What Kind Of Jumper Are You? If it was called that, would there be loads of Americans thinking; long-jumper, high-jumper, trampoline jumper?

I actually pondered yesterday if Tic Tacs were pre-packaged in a certain way that made an even number of green and orange ones come out every time. After realising that this idea was ridiculous I came to the obvious conclusion that I had become expert at shaking an even number of both colours out. Today I was sorely disappointed to discover that it is not always an even number of Tic Tacs come out of the box.

I admit that it is odd to think so much about Tic Tacs but we all have our little quirks. I take my sweets very seriously. Mel and I managed to have a half hour conversation about Jelly Belly Beans. Mel has terrible taste in sweets though. She may beg to differ but I only know 2 people in the whole world who like white chocolate noses with green, snotty slime inside. I am due to participate in a sweet-off with the Dog Star. I've been told I'll be thrashed but I think I've been underestimated.

Speaking of taking sweets seriously, Nelly has professed to master the art of fudge-making. She's been doing her research and apparently confectionary requires a lot of skill. Even Z says that she hasn't conquered fudge yet and she's a domestic goddess. I can feel a fudge cook-off coming on y'know. Nelly vs Z vs Me. Bring it on!

Down On My Dish......Twice!

Friday was a bad day. Nothing really bad happened, it was just one of those days I shouldn't have left the house. I slipped on the ice getting off the bus and fell on my hoop. This was after the bus was late and kept me waiting in the freezing cold for half an hour. This was after I'd slept in and rushed around to get the bus. I arrived into work bloody-handed and dishevelled. I forced myself not to feel sorry for myself. This worked until after lunch sometime when I was running through the stock room, got my foot tangled in a plastic bag and fell, again, to the ground like a sack of potatoes.

I can't believe how quickly the time's going in. On one hand this is great as winter is rolling by and the sooner it's over the better. On the other hand it will be Christmas before I know it and I haven't even started Christmas shopping. This time last year I was spending my last days in Lopburi, Thailand. Oh I miss the warm sunshine. Another thing I miss is being anonymous. Christmas time in your hometown is like a war zone. Everyone comes out of the woodwork to buy presents and you find yourself taking half an hour to walk 10 metres because you have to stop and talk to everyone you know.

I'm really gonna try and inject some love back into my wee blog soon. I have ideas but time is limited. The winter is bleak and it's hard to do anything but just survive it. You'd think I had to endure winter in the North Pole the way I was talking about it! Well, I do live not too far from where the Polar bears reside.

Fluffiness

Dear oh dear. This is bad. I just checked my site metre and the only people who are visiting me are people who hate Natwest and people who want to know about Thai "boom boom". I need to do something more interesting with my life but right now it is actually too cold to function. I went to Primark today and invested in fluffy items of clothing. A nice soft dressing gown (the first one I have ever owned as men have always put me off them, lazing about the house looking slobbish) and some thick fluffy socks. I want to be warm this winter but I am not prepared to wear longjohns.

So Katkins, if you're reading this and you want to know what to get me for Christmas, think warm. But not longjohns. Ha! I have just glanced to the left of the computer to see a photo of Bert's dad back in the day when he was a young man. He looks like Humphrey Bogart! I think it's the hat and coat though. Perhaps everyone looked like Humphrey Bogart in those days.

How Much Is In A Litre?

It seems I have unwittingly gone into blogger hibernation. This is because it's cold and when I think of something to write about it it's too hard because my braincells are frozen and need thawed out.

This is my third week at the new job. It's ok. It's just as you'd expect a shop to be at Christmas time. Full of crazed shopping lunatics looking for pointless gifts to bestow on loved ones.

Fish Face Freddy is settling in well at Nellybert's. I have never known a cat to purr so much, want cuddled and look up lovingly at it's humans. It's young though. There's still time for it to learn it is a cat. Even old Pearlie Blue is besotted. Of course she would never admit this but you can see it in her eyes when she's feeding it bits of dry bread.

Holly De Cat is still somewhat wary of de kitten but she is dealing with her issues by overeating. She is one solid cat. Baby elephants weigh less.

Possibly one of the dumbest things I have ever asked anybody happened last weekend. After finishing work on Friday I raced to the off licence to purchase some fine Irish whiskey. I just wanted a small bottle but all they had was a ten glass and a litre bottle. I was trying to work out in my head if it was better value buying the litre bottle rather than the ten glass bottle but I am easily confused by matters involving numbers and so I asked the shop assistant how much was in a litre a bottle. As the words came out of my mouth I was already shaking my head at the stupidity and I was met with the answer: Uh....a litre. At this point I thought it was probably best to buy the litre bottle and unthaw some of those frozen braincells.

Fish Face Freddy

On April Fool's Day 1957 Panorama aired a spoof documentary claiming that spaghetti grew on trees. Click here if you want to see the broadcast. I've never been any good at playing pranks on people but Brad and Keara, two of the teachers I met in Thailand, had an ongoing feud with each other. I can't remember most of them but one of my favorites was Brad teaching Keara to say in Thai: That was delicious. What he'd actually taught her to say was: I have diarrhoea. Brad was devious in this way. So was Keara.

There's been a new edition to the Dreen pet clan. A little ginger tom kitten. Mum found him on the side of the road. He's pretty much the total opposite of Holly, who hates it by the way. Loathes it. We're calling him Fred. I liked the idea of Brucey but he suits Fred too. He's pretty damn cute but pesky all the same. Much more friendly and affectionate than Holly cat. This house had room for another pet though. He is only little after all.

A Buisness Plan That Could Take Off

Well, it seems there is an opening in the market for hot air balloonists in the Northern Ireland region. I was trying to find a company that operated hot air balloon rides round these parts but could ony find one and they were uncontactable through the WWW. Now I don't know about everyone else but if I can't find out such things as prices, destinations and times of certain events without having to call anyone it kinda puts me off. I like information to be accessible through the touch of a button rather than having to speak to someone. I have been spoilt with online everything (except online banking, never got through the registration process due to forgetting my password, repeatedly) and if I can't do it online, I'm not interested. Of course I am exaggerating ever so slighly.

So I wanted to book a hot air balloon ride as a present for Nellybert and although there are many companies that offer them, none do flights around Norn Iron. Perhaps there just ain't a big enough market for them here but it's one of them things that could catch on. Maybe the weather isn't hot air balloon flying friendly but are England and Scotland really that much better?

It got me thinking though. About the price of a hot air balloon and the vast amounts of money to be made and fun to be had. So I set about trying to find a 'hot air balloon for sale' website. It seems the whole buisness is quite elusive. Although I found sites advertising balloons many of them said they had no balloons for sale at that time. Is there a hot air balloon shortage? There must be.

If anyone knows anyone with a hot air balloon for sale let me know. And if anyone knows anyone with a skill for web design let me know. And if anyone knows anyone with a good head for buisness, let me know. We can join forces and together have the best hot air ballooning buisness EVER.

I apologise for the seriously baaaad puntastic title of this post. I'm away to scrub the shame from my face.

Same Same But Different

First day of a job is always the worst but because I knew what to expect it wasn't so bad. The thing that struck me the most was how glad I was to not be sitting on my arse all day. Office work just isn't for me. The other girls that work there are really pleasant and chatty and the environment is reasnably relaxed. My boss told me: You know everything you learnt in Next, forget it.

Shop work is same same but different. Essentially the work is the same but how you do it is different. Anyway, as much as I'd like to go into the details of how working in shops can differ (AYE RIGHT!) I will refrain from the boredom and instead leave you with a wee story about second hand shopping in Ballymena.

None of us like to think too much about the history of a garment bought from a charity shop. Did somebody die wearing this coat? Was the person a clean person? These are questions best not asked. Many years ago Granny bought a little red cardigan from a charity shop in Ballymena for a babby Katkins. She proudly showed it off to mum saying: Look what I got Katkins from the charity shop, isn't it lovely?

To which mum replied: Ach Mammy that already belonged to Katkins and I'd just handed it in to the charity shop!

How The Zoo Changed My Life

On Saturday Jakers and I went to Belfast zoo. I wanted to do something on my last weekend of freedom and Jakers thought the zoo was a good idea. It was!! Few things make me happier than animals. I just wish the animals were as pleased to see me as I was to see them. We hadn't really planned the whole thing too well and didn't see as much as we wanted to but it was still a great day out.

On the way there Jakers lost a tenner but on the way back we got 2 children fares from Glengormley to Antrim (yes, the bus driver thought we were 14) and we got a free train from Antrim to Ballymena. My favourite thing at the Zoo was the lions. Jakes liked the spectacled bears. I'd forgottten how good the giraffes were to see but the Meerkats were tucked up in bed.

Somewhere over the course of the weekend I decided to regain a bit of direction back in my life. Or at least think about it anyway. When I get the travelling bug out of my system (if I ever do) I'd like to train as a Social Worker. There is no point in me going from one dead-end job to the next. I managed to forget how much sociology interested me and I think it's about time that I put some of what I learnt into practice. I know Social Work is not easy work but I never said I wanted an easy life.

Anyway, it's just nice to feel like I know what I'm doing with my life. The recent change of job has knocked my confidence a bit (not so much leaving the job but having to settle for the new job) so it's good to have a plan to get some of that back. I don't want to be 35 and working in a shop. I really, really don't but unless I do some further studying and training that is exactly what's gonna happen.

Anyway, rant over. The zoo's ace and I have a little bit of ambition in my soul. Tis all good. I did also consider a career in the zoo but I think I did the wrong subject.

The Last Post Of Freedom

This is my last weekend of being a bum before I start work. Really I should've been practising the sax, taking photographs and expanding my mind through the power of literature but, instead, I chose to play silly games and colour by numbers. On the upside, I can now boast that I am able to run my very own virtual chocolate shop. Yo Ho!!! Takes me back to my Fish Tycoon days.

Also, I found out that my ex boss is telling people he sacked me. This is lurking at the back of my mind. Part of me thinks I should let it lie as I know the truth and I don't think my old boss could actually convince anyone that he did sack me (he is renowned for his lies and his ego) but another part of me would like to call him up on this and ask him what the bloody fucking hell does he think he's playing at? Maybe I should just sit back and let karma make amends.

Blog Filler

This is the first time ever, I think, I have come to write a blog post without actually having thought about what I'm going to write about. Could be deadly.

It's been lovley having the past couple of weeks off work. Better than any kind of holiday because I've just had time to chill. Mum, Granny and I spent a day last week doing Granny type things. This involved getting lost on the way to Antrim (one of Mum and Granny's favourite hobbies), being on a road that none of us had ever been on before (another one of Mum and Granny's hobbies). Granny gets excited when she sees a car stopped by the side of the road: Ooh I wonder what's going on there?

Mum casually replies: It'll be a drug deal.


This writing with no direction is tough. I can see the reflection of my fingers on the computer screen as they hover over the keypad wondering what buttons to press. They are seriously looooong fingers. I really should use them for something other than picking my nose.

The Weekend

You are never too old to learn lessons. I have also recently discovered that you are ever too old to be scolded by yer ma.

Friday night I invited some drunk yoofs back to the Dreen. My thinking behind it was that I would be at home bright and early to help mum with party preparations. I didn't account for the fact that I'd be waking mum up bright and early with my entourage of drunken yoofs (also bare in mind this was Halloween night so my entourage included a Blues Brother who looked like Suggs from Madness, Mario, Kerm, who wasn't actually dressed up but was covered in a mixture of fake and real blood and looked like death not even warmed up, and Lewis who just looked like Lewis). Needless to say mum was not happy. Despite this however she ended up making one of them coffee and porridge and helping Mario sew his dungarees.

The Mexican Day of the Dead party was a considerably chilled and quiet affair. I'd had no sleep on Friday though so was glad of this. Also, I got the job I had my interview for. Yussss! It's just a job in a shop for Christmas but a change is as good as a rest and any job is a good job until it becomes a crap job.

Animal Update: Bonnie and I are bonding since the tragic death of the Bitcher; Paddy is embracing the role of Top Dog with great authority, he has recently started begging for food like Rosie used to so he obviously thinks this is an imortant part of being the boss; Scruff is enjoying his holidays and is on constant cat-mauling duty; The cat is my new BFF. Her and Scruff don't get on so she's using my bedroom as a haven.