I'll Try Not To Kill You

Next bad day I have in work I'm just gonna count down the days 'til I board that flight to New York. Yes, I finally booked a flight. I leave on the 16th January to New York then catch a flight on the 20th to Mexico, With the mere press of a button and withdrawal of £361.50 from my bank account my mood has greatly improved.

I think I just needed a bit of direction in my life. Something to work towards and look forward to. And, unlike my trip to Thailand, this trip will be a little better organised. It actually feels like a weight's been lifted off my shoulders. This isn't a dream anymore it's reality. And it was probably always as easy as this but I just didn't realise it.

Hopefully my blog will be a lot brighter and interesting in about 6 months time. One thing I know is I won't be going anywhere without my SLR. I missed it so much in Thailand it just ain't worth the agony. I may post the film home to save lugging it about though.

I never regret a single day in Thailand (except the basketball hoop night) but it was hard work arriving and being thrown into teaching so soon. The one thing I really look forward to on my next trip is relaxing and doing whatever I want for a couple of weeks. Of course, knowing me I'll be working within a week as God seems to think I don't like being unemployed.

There are also whispers in the air that I will start driving lessons soon. You can expect posts upon posts of driving disasters. Going to another country to work and live and possibly catch swine flu is nowhere near as scary as the prospect of being inside a huge hunk of metal with wheels and pedals and sticks and gadgets and being expected to actually control it. I find it hard enough steering a shopping trolley so a car should be fun.

Surfin' AJT

As I mentioned before, I've been feeling a bit down (translates as: absoulutelty totally miserable). There is one main reason for this. Work. I don't know how many times I've been told by so many different people that I shouldn't let it get to me. I've agreed with them and tried not to care so much but I've come to realise this is impossible for me. It's just part of who I am. I do care and I do take my job seriously. Which is why I should really be trying my hardest to find a job that requires me to care.

Things got so bad on Monday that I started thinking that I should use my savings to enrol myself on a Social Work course instead of going travelling. I'd get myself a pet rat and work and study until finally I'd be in a postion where I didn't have to settle for minimum wage menial bullshit. But it's my dream to travel and I'd never be happy settling in a career unless I'd experienced the exotic. The pet rat and social work degree will have to wait.

Thankfully, the girls I work with have given me a bit of strength to carry on. I broke down in tears on Monday. They have all agreed it's been a long time coming. Even just that consoles me. I don't mind showing my emotions as long as people understand why I'm feeling them. They have fully backed me up and said they're surprised I lasted this long. They have told this to a key member of the company and they have also told her about their own discontentment. Things are unravelling slowly but I'm clinging onto my sanity for a wee while yet. If I can just ride this job out 'til I go travelling I'll be able to diclose all the gory details but for now I'll keep clinging to my board.

HB's Out Of Lead

Blogger was toying with me there. Being a bit of a dick if you ask me. I was momentarily worried that I wouldn't be able to share the delights of Biorythm charts. I do so love a bit of hippy dippy tosh. But it's true. All of it. Of course it is!

Anyway, these people (I don't know who these people are; hippies, witches, goths?) have decided that everyone has their own personal biorythm chart, which is calculated from your birthdate. This determines when we experience highs and lows in your physical, emotional and intellectual energy.

So this is why I'm feeling so depressed, lethargic and tearful. According to my biorythm chart I'm low in all forms of energy. Basically, right now, I'm lazy, tired, irrational, sad and stupid. That's pretty much accurate. I'll only believe it's true though if in ten days time, like the chart suggests, I'll be on top of the world. And even if I am I'll put it down to the power of suggestion.

Very Woody!

I met a girl on the bus travelling on her own. She said she was gonna cycle from Tibet to Nepal. Crazy, cool chick. She was sweet. Young in age but she had old laughter lines around her eyes. She wants to be gardener, I want to be a carpenter. I think we come from the same place. Heaven maybe. Or hell. Or some crazy jungle on a crazy island in the middle of the ocean where mermaids marry pirates and show them how to find the treasure at the bottom of the sea.

I want to live in a wooden house. A house in a tree made out of trees. I'll sleep in a wooden bed with wooden sheets. I'll brush my hair with a wooden brush and clean my face with the sap from the leaves. I'll watch the wooden TV showing the same Squirrel Show every day. Everything will be bark and smell like the earth.

I wrote this on my travels in Thailand after meeting a lass from Oz who inspired me. She was so disciplined and head strong but she was always late for class due to the fact that she always fell asleep on the train to school and missed her stop. Anyway, my obsession for wood at the time (and still now really) doesn't seem quite so innocent after seeing this Monthy Python sketch. Apparently their funniest sketch ever. My favourite will always be the Lupin sketch where Dennis Moore steals lupins from the rich and gives them to the poor.

Average Friday Afternoon

Life at the Dreen is never dull. Mum's car broke down so Bert had to pick her up from work. They picked me up too. Although it was a short journey it was filled with banter, slagging and laughing. Mostly at Bert. First his early morning driving skills were scrutinised. Then we chortled as Bert's gaze following the strawberry-blond farmer boy driving by on his open top tractor with a cigarette hanging from his mouth James Dean stylee. I asked Bert did he fancy him.

Upon arrival home we were greeted by two gorgeous dog beasts full of joy and happiness at seeing not one, not two but three of their Masters home at the same time (this is a rare occurrence). Then as we sat down for a smoke and coffee, Young Loveheart arrived with two tubs full of locusts. Bert and him were conducting experiments which, inevitably, led to locusts escaping. Very random. But I don't have time to reflect on the randomness and lovliness of life in general because it's the Day of Fri and it's been a heluvva week in work and I have several dates with several people, the most important, of course, being Mr. Jameson.

10th June

Woah! What a day! Not only is it the anniversary of the death of an old boyfriend but it's all kicking off in work. Mum says she can't wait to pick me up each day so she can hear the next installation of the soap opera that is my job. Damn, I really wish I could blog all about it but I can't. For so many reasons. All I can say is that big changes are happening be they for better or worse. Although it's stressful I know I don't have anything to worry about. So I won't.

Anyway, I have more important things to think about today. On the 10th June eight years ago an amazing guy I'd just split up with died in a house fire. You probably wonder why I'd split up with him if he was so amazing but even then, when I was 19, I knew that just because you loved someone didn't mean you were meant to be together. When Will died we'd been split up for a few months. We'd done the splitting-up, falling out, making peace and the wishing each other well for the future. He was happy when he died. He'd got back together with an old flame and he was making plans for the summer. Despite this I still took his death really badly. The guilt, regrets, what-ifs were overwhelming. Every dramatic event in your life plays a part in shaping you as a person. It's only looking back now that I can see the different effects it's had on me. But I'm not writing this seeking sympathy. Eight years is a long time for the heart to heal and, if truth be told, I didn't let myself grieve for that long because I didn't feel I had a right to. When it came down to it I was just lucky to have known him and loved him.

I know this is pretty personal stuff to write about but I've been doing a lot of self-reflecting lately just to try to understand myself better. I'm wary about discussing my emotions but so often I find myself writing blogs that get deleted or I go and do something and by the time I've come back I've lost the nerve to post it. The thing is, I love writing. I don't want to make a career out of it but it's something I do want to be good at and I'm not going to progress with it if I hold back too much.

See, now I just feel like a dick.

Big Mac With Fries

I found out, today in work, something that made me, once again, realise that people's faults do not make them 'bad' people. I guess when you admit those faults it shows a willingness to learn and adapt, which is good thing. I'm hoping that the result of this outcome will make work more bearable but even if it doesn't it will only encourage me so save quicker so I can travel sooner. Seems like a win-win siyuation if you ask me.

I can't express enough how much the bright weather is cheering me up. Weather like this always reminds me of the good times because the good times always happen when the sun is shining. It's Doug's Dog Day Party coming up and it makes me think back to last year, hanging out on Sunday morning with 3 grumpy Norweigan's. I got the impression they were disappointed with their stay in Norn Iron because it pished with rain but I also got the impression that they didn't show much enthusiasm for anything. At Doug's party they drank Vodka and Jameson's and sung stoically. As we sat in Wetherspoon's the next day (not long before we got chucked out for being too boisterous on a Sunday afternoon) I asked the Norweigan's about where they came from. They told me they lived in the middle of nowhere and if they wanted McDonald's they had to drive to cities 100's of miles away. They were leaving that day and I walked them down to Eckstar's flat to get their bags. McDonald's is down that way too so obviously the Norweigan's were keen to get some food. I asked one guy what he was gonna order and he said:

'A big mac with fries'

I asked his mate what he'd get. He smiled and said:

'A big mac with fries'

I laughed and said to the third guy:

'Let me guess, you're getting a big mac with fries?'

He smiled and nodded his head.

Hmmm, I totally contradicted myself there because I said how the good weather made me think of good memories 'cause all the good times happen in the sun. Then I go and recount a memory when it was raining. I remember it well because it's when I became a member of the Drizzle Appreciation Society.

Wonderful Warmth

Ah...the warmth, the glorious warmth. It's nice to wear different clothes other than hoodies. I can go 'Look see, I do have arms. And yes, they are whiter than you could ever have possibly imagined.' To be fair, the sun has been shining for days and it's only the past 2 days that I've taken my jacket off. I had to stock up on some heat.

Mum, Zoe, granny and I went to granda's memorial mass. It was nice to go 'cos it pleased my granny, which pleases my mum, which pleases me but I'd forgotten how akward mass makes me feel. I can never remember the words to prayers, or when to kneel and stand up and bless myself. In a small country chapel this fails to go unnoticed. Aw well, it bothered me slightly at the time but I'm not letting it bother me beyond that. I can't help my heatheness.

Granny was reminding mum about how she arrived at the hospital to give birth to me. She wasn't in labour so her and granny decided to get the town service bus. They asked the bus driver if it went to the hospital and he said that it didn't but if they just could just wait a minute he'd take them there. So out of the goodess of his heart (and possibly thinking that mum was about to pop me out there and then), he drove mum and granny right up to the hospital doors in a bus! Even if most bus drivers were kind enough to do that they'd probably just drop you off at the nearest bus stop.

I'm coping better with work this week. I swear it's because I had two whole days off rather than just the one. Oh, and I didn't get horrendously drunk this weekend. I came home earlyish on Saturday night. I woke up feeling refreshed on Sunday morning so I brushed Paddy's winter coat off him. He looked so handsome mum and I decided to take him a walk along the beach to show him off. We took Bonnie dog too incase she felt left out. We bumped into Dee Mac and her dog Handsome Herman. Big Herman showed both Paddy and Bonnie what real dogs are meant to do on the beach, i.e. go swimming. Bonnie half got the idea but Paddy obviously didn't want to ruin his newly brushed coat.

A Change Would Do You Good

Anyone up for an adventure? Flights from Belfast to New York are this cheap in October. This would give me a week to explore before catching a flight down to Mexico, just in time for the Mexican Day of the Dead celebrations. Even though Kerm wouldn't be there covered in a mixture of his own, and other people's, blood I'm sure it would be a better party than the one we had last year.

From here to S.America for less than £400 squiddly diddly dangoes (expdia aren't like easyjet and they show you the actual price the flight costs with tax and everything included). Of course, I could just fly straight to Mexico for the same price but it's the difference between 2 8 hour plane rides with a week in between and 1 17 hour plane ride that connects in New York anyway. I'd love to just book the flights right now but I can't guarantee that I'll have enough money saved by then. It's only really 4 months away. I've checked prices for Jaunary though and there pretty much the same.

I just wrote a whole big blog speel about work that I deleted immediately. I didn't want to go back after my first break today but I don't want to rant about it. I'm kinda trying to convince myself that it's not actually that bad and that I just need to change my attitude towards it. But it is that bad. I hate my manager so much that it's making me hate the rest of my life. I feel like I'm running out of time too. I need to hurry up and get a proper career otherwise I'll be doing this job for the REST of my life. I guess I should try harder on working on changing my attitude. And saving my money.

Soul Food

Yum! Here is a selection of culinary delights crafted by my domestic goddess sister. We have homemade oatcakes with melted cheese and bacon. Unless you're from Stoke or round those parts you won't know how good these things are. I hated them for a long time but once I started eating them they formed part of my staple diet for years. There are also some lovely Fifteens big sis and I made. Defintely one of my all time favourite traybakes. Then there are two of Zoe's finest cupcakes in the world: one is the Chocolate Guinness Cupcake and the other Zoe simply calls 'an old fashioned chocolate cupcake with coconut buttercream' but I think should be called Hannah's Little Bit of Heaven in a Cupcake. Zoe made them for my leaving for Thailand do and I dreamt about them on so many hot, balmy nights so she made some for my return home.

Speaking of Thailand it's been a long time since I made a Thai curry and I'm starting to think that maybe if I did the sun would put his hat on...and keep it on. Really though, and Swisser will back this up, good food can give you a buzz (sometimes Swisser's near orgasming when she eats Nelly's home-baked delights!). I conclude: Lack of food that has been home-cooked lovingly is bad for the soul. Nelly baked a banana and walnut loaf at the weekend. I'm nearly sure it's the first thing she's baked since March when she hosted an awesome teaparty for The Lovely Mel and Ganching.

Small Teasers

After a weekend of working, Pearlie-sitting, dog-sitting, cat-sitting, hen-sitting, fish-sitting and boyfriend-sitting I'm not quite so sure that I stand by my drunken proclamation that, as soon as I get back from South America, I'm having babies, whether there's a father or not! Obviously I would need a father for the initial impregnation but so intent on having babies 'twas I, in my drunkeness, that I felt the whole "waiting for the right man" was completely irrelevant to family-making.

So...ya. That was my biological clock ticking very loudly, very brazenly and very drunkenly. But, like I say, after this weekend I'm not so sure I'm ready for parenthood any time soon. Being mum, Bert and me rolled into one was tough enough. Most importantly though, I missed getting out and seeing people. That's what makes the weekend for me. If I was a mum I'd have to say goodbye to my social life and I don't want to do that anytime soon.

I'm wearing my new glasses. They are good because I can see things better but they are bad because they cost me stupid money and they make malteasers look smaller. They don't make other things look smaller though so maybe I'm just wishing the malteasers were bigger. One day I will bathe in malteasers. Having said that, it would be a real waste.

Shoulda Gone To Specsavers

So, Vision Express sent me a nice letter the other day, offering me a free eye exam and a £50 voucher. I have needed to wear glasses since I was 14 but at some point over the years my head must've shrunk and those glasses kept falling off my face. Also, they were Graham Coxon/Jack Duckworth NHS stylee glasses and they just didn't suit me. So I didn't wear them.

I'd been meaning to get new glasses for a while and this voucher sent by Vision Express was the push I needed. Had to be used by 25th June so off I rushed to the nearest VE. Eye exams are strange experiences anyway. I'm nearly sure they make you blinder and also the lights and air they puff into your eye makes you somewhat disorientated. After the test the lovely assistant helped me pick my frames. They were £90 but with my voucher they were £40. I had forgot though that they would charge me for the actual lenses that go into the frames and I parted with £144 of my hard-earned squiddly diddly dangoes! My own fault for being naive but also a cunning ploy on Vision xpress's part to lure me into thinking I was getting a bargain.

Shoulda gone to Specsavers.

Hails also informed me that she used to work in Pet Smart. The story behind that is; I once found a bat lying on the street in broad daylight. Convinced that this wee bat must've broken a wing I scopped it up and took it down to Pet Smart. I asked if they could help fix it's wing. The lady looked at me like I had 2 heads and pointed out that they were a pet shop, not a vetinary. She told me I'd need to contact the RSPB and it was just as she was fetching me a box for the bat that it crawled up my arm and flew off into the rafters. The lady wss most cross and said:

Great, now we have to get the RSPB out.

I scarpered pretty quick and it was only in hindsight that I realised a bat on the loose in a shop that sold mice was not a particularly good idea. I was also wrong about it having a broken wing as it could clearly fly the very best.

As Blind As A Bat

As blog material is rather thin on the ground at the minute I'm happy that Tuesday Kid has tagged me to disclose 8 pointless things about myself. It means I can keep my rant about how Vision Express rinsed me with their cunning promotional offers for another day.

8 pointless things:

1. I never time food when I'm cooking. I just hope for the best. If I ever invite you to a dinner party you should politely decline.

2. I will always want to be a carpenter.

3. I think too much about really, really silly things.

4. Instead of revising for 'A' Levels I learnt how to juggle. I'm now in a dead-end job but I'm fully qualified to join the circus at any time.

5. I am a member of the Drizzle Aprecciation Society. It's quite elite.

6. When I was 10 and we moved to the countryside I was excited about all the wildlife I'd get to see. The only badgers I've ever seen have been lying on the side of the road, dead, and the only fox I've ever seen in the country was the one that massacred all our hens last week.

7. I believe that time is a concept that should be totally ignored. It's far too restrictive.

8. I'm one of those dumb, naive people who thinks they're getting s good deal but they're getting ripped off. Yup, that's me (F**k you Vision Express, even though your staff were lovely. I musta been blind not to see youse bastards coming.)

There ye go. I don't see why the list had to stop at 8 'cause, personally, I could've gone on forever there (I once got a bat caught in my hair, I once let a bat loose in Pet Smart) I tag the Lovely Mel because even though I know her pretty well but I'm sure she can still surprise me.

1752 That's My No.

Yesterday I was full of the joys of spring. Today I am hibernating in my room, staring out the window at the vicious wind that blows and howls. I've just got off the phone with Mel. Our conversation went from travelling to the lottery to lucky no's (I've decided mine's gonna be 1752. It's a bit long winded but it feels lucky) to me having an inferiority complex because when anyone at work writes my name they never give me a capital 'H'. Why am I not worthy of a capital letter?

When Dirt Bird said goodbye to me on Monday she texted me a while later saying she'd just seen a Bad Toad. I remember, when I lived in Stoke, if you came home for a visit it didn't feel like you'd been home unless you'd seen a Bad Toad. Now that I live here again I see them on a regular basis. I don't need to go Bad Toad hunting because B & M Bargains has just opened up and the Bad Toads, like everyone else in Ballymena, love a good bargain.

James Brown Knows The Score But So Does Hughie Green

There was a plus side to having Swine Flu. Now that I've fully recovered I feel amaaaazing!! Maybe it's the help of the sun and Seasick Steve with his funky blues but I really do feel on top of the world. After last week's annoyances at work I had a good day. I feel like I'm actually getting the help from my manager's that I should have been getting month's ago but was too proud to ask.

Oh, and karma worked it's way round to me. Not the weekend just gone but the weekend before I found £5 on the ground and the Saturday night I found £10 on the ground. When it's on the ground it's fair do's in my eyes. As long as it's not in a purse or wallet.

So there's a spring in my step again and I feel much more like my usual self. I'm like a cross between Vince Noir and Howard Moon from the Mighty Boosh. Vince for his sunny Barocca-aided approach to life and Howard for his love of Jazz Funk. This is a pretty recent thing for me but I've com to the conclusion that Funk would make the world go round. You can't help but be happy and dance when you hear it. I can hear James Brown now singing in my brain...I feel good.

One Blog Meet, One Wedding And A Night At O'Rawes

Well, I haven't had a minute. Not a minute. And I loved it. Thursday night Nelly and I went to meet some fellow bloggers. The occasion was Hails' brief return to the Emerald Isle to catch up with folk (but really, to remind herself why she is no longer living here). Grannymar was the only one I hadn't previously met and she was charming like all the others.

There's something about getting a certain mix of people who've all met through pretty random circumstances. You talk about things you wouldn't normally talk about. Learn things you wouldn't necessarily learn.

Friday was quiet in work up until the last hour and a half when it got so busy that my head was frazzled. I wanted to catch the bus home but missed it because people kept coming into the shop even though the shutters were half way down. I had to get a taxi home and the driver took it upon himself to give me a a 15 minute intensive cow and bull lesson. Apparently cows are pregnant for the same length of time as humans. But a farmer has to watch his bulls don't try and mate with their daughters. I'm not quite sure why he thought this was interesting converstaion for a young girl heading out on a Friday night but that's farmer types for you.

On Friday night I went to my usual haunt. I enjoyed my last proper night out with Dirt Bird before she heads back to the Wall of Sall. I love talking to her because she's the only one that shares my sense of humour exactly. She used to be a wino but she's a whisko like me now.

On Saturday I had another busy day in work and then met Dirt Bird after for drinks and something to eat. I had a wedding to go at 8 so Dirt Bird was providing some moral support as I had to dress up and meet family and share a taxi there with strangers. As it turned out it was a good night and everyone I met was friendly and welcomiing.

The best thing about going to weddings is that it reminds me how much I don't like them. I'm always happy for the bride and groom but I can't help but feel embarassed for them when they have to do the 'First Dance' and all the cheesy stuff. Anyway, the wedding blog rant's a post for another day. I'm yearning for a game of word challenge. I've given up on beating Ed ever but I'm still hopelessly addicted.

Worn, Like The Clothes In My Shop

I like to think of myself as a patient person, although I'm pretty sure it's not a natural character trait for me. I think it was something that I had to learn. I heard a rumour it was a virtue. So, therefore, my family members would probably beg to differ about my claiming to be patient but they have known me longer as a child/brat/moody teenager than as an adult.

But friends and work collegaues do see me as being patient and I pride myself on this somewhat. There are few people who have the patience of a saint and eventually everyone gets worn down at certain points and by certain things. This seems to be one of the side-effects of the Swine Flu. Well, that and a combination of working where I work. I hate to blog rant and I hate talking about my job in detail but today I reached beyond the end of my tether and handed the keys to my boss and informed him I was going home. I wasn't quitting but I was letting it be known that I could physically take no more.

Fortunately my current boss is not as cantankerous as my old boss who pushed me to the limit but was too proud to try to keep me. He took the keys, took me out for a smoke, listened to me and dealt with the situation as best he could. He gave me back the keys and enough positivity to finish the day. I wish I could explain more but even though it's only a job I really do get on with the people I work with and I'd feel like I was betraying them by discussing work issues. And besides, I'd need to write a book not just a blog post.

Free House In Cloughmills

I had the worst night's sleep last night. So bad that during it I had a dream where I was telling people about my bad night's sleep. I have Swine flu. There could be a number of reasons for this. I did eat a Pear Picking Porky ice lolly yesterday, which definitely made me feel worse. But the Swine lurgi had started a good week and a half before that. Also my over-exposure to Corona lager hasn't been helping it. I haven't been drinking it myself but everyone else has. It kept putting that song in my head My Sharona.

I would love to write about the ins and outs of my Friday night but I cant go into too much detail other than to say that after the pub we went to someone's house. Half Term Kerm ended up taking a bath at 3 in the morning and cooking a feed of tobasco eggs at 5 in the morning.

I wrote the 1st part of this blog yesterday but didn't have the energy to finish it off. The swine flu is slightly better. The night sweats weren't as bad last night but I did have a surreal dream where Mum, my boyfriend and I went to view a house in Cloughmills. 3 small children answered the door and I wondered where all the adults were. We went into the living room and the eldest girl started to tell us why they wanted to sell the house. When I looked over at the other 2 children they'd turned into cats. Eventually the other girl turned into a cat and it was the most evil, nasty cat I've ever encountered. Mum seemed unperturbed by the stangeness of this and went to find some adults. When she was out of the room the eldest girl-cat turned into Evil Cat From Hell. Mum came back announcing that they were giving the house away for free because everyone else in the street were moving at 1 O'Clock and we were the only ones who'd come to see the house!

I'm hoping that I shuld be a 100% by Thursday though as Nelly and I are meeting up with some fellow bloggers and I'd hate to give them the Swine flu. Hails suggested I wear a mask. I was thinking about choosing this one although it reminds me of Cartoon Head from Ideal.

Chocolate Digstives Never Tasted So Good.

What a lovely week off I've been having. The only bad thing is that it seems to be going too quick. Dirt Bird got here late on Monday night. On Tuesday it was her sisiter's birthday so we picked her up and took her for lunch at the Thatch Inn in Broughshane. We then tok a lovely walk along the river and basked in the sun. In the evening Dirt Bird and I met Nelly at Lidl to do a bit of shopping. While we were waiting for Nelly I saw a lady struggling with her groceries. She couldn't get the box in her car so I offered to help her. When her trolley made a run for it Dirt Bird was on hand to rescue it. The lady was very thankful for the help.

Then when Dirt Bird was looking for a pound to put into a trolley a different lady approached with a trolley. I said to Dirt Bird that she should give the woman her pound and take her trolley to save her putting it back. The old lady gave us the trolley and took the pound. She scarpered pretty quickly. When we were finished with the trolley I noticed it didn't have a pound in it. How raging was I that this lady, elderly lady, had stroked us of a pound.

It was Dr. Death who managed to help me see the funny side of it by saying that the old lady would be dipping her chocolate digestives into her tea that night, giggling about how she'd stroked them 2 dolls at Lidl good and proper.

The Holiday Dance

Well, birthday celebrations on Saturday night were very good. The party was pretty much like any party we have here; The Wee Manny (aka Sir Drink Alot) was in bed by 8, guests stood while the dogs lay on the seats, Nelly's CD's got abused, people boked in the toilet, food was scranned, drinks were spilled, geetar playing was attempted and people were saying good morning to people who were saying good night. All in all a typical shindig at chez Nellybert's. I didn't feel normal again until Tuesday.

I've got another party to attend this weekend. A Mad Hatter's party. I was gonna wear Bert's leather hat but it's gone missing since Saturday night so I might have to settle for a top hat. I'm pretty sure it'll be another all-nighter but I'm OFF on HOLIDAY for 1 WHOLE week!! If you could see me now, I'm waving my hand in the air like the audeince used to do on the Gladiators and whooping like a loon in the night. I haven't had a full week off work since I started in November, in fact, I've hardly had a full weekend off since I started. How bliss it will be. Obviously it will rain all week because this week's been glorious and everyone knows that if it doesn't rain for a week in Ireland the whole island will be swallowed up by the sea. The rain keeps it floating or something. I don't even care if it rains I will just be so happy to not be working. Also, the bestest, prettiest, sweetest DirtBird will be here and we have adventures to pursue...and Bert's hat to find.

Special Agent 0027

Today was my Dog Day. I turned 27. This is the age that many rockstars die; Kurt Cobain, Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison to name a few. I went to work, went for a drink, came home, ate dinner, watched Coronation Street, hung out with Pearlie and we talked about whether or not my cold sore had healed yet. Very rock 'n' roll. But even if I don't die before my 28th birthday I still want to go to Hell. For one, it's warm there, and two, I heard there was a shortage of chairs in Heaven. Is it any wonder? All you have to do is repent and they let you in.

I know this sounds like just the sort of thing an old person would say but isn't it amazing how quickly the years just roll by? This is where I don't trust time, years fly by but at work the seconds drag forever. There's no point worrying about getting old though. I can see many advantages of aging; wisdom, OAP discount, the right to be grumpy, afternoon naps.

I've been thinking lately that I'd probably make a good spy. I'm very discreet and cunning. If anyone needs a spy just leave me a comment and tell me my mission. I'll take payment in kind, not that kind of kind, but I'd take payment in sweets, whiskey or tobacco.

Wrong Change

On Friday I accidentally didn't give a lady in my shop her £20 back. It was an honest mistake. I took her 20 and asked if she had anything smaller. She said she hadn't then found a tenner. Sh gave me that, I gave her her change but for got to give her the other 2o back. I only realised after she'd left and even then I couldn't be sure. I told my boss and when he checked the till it was £20 over. Whoops! We put it in an envelope in the safe and I hoped the lady would come back. I felt really bad about it.

I told mum this on the way home from work. We called in at the garage where I was chatting away to Young Haze about the new light Golden Virginia and when he gave me change of a £20 back I told him that I'd only given him a tenner. So there was 2 chances I had in one day to have money that wasn't mine. But I honestly blieve that getting money like that wouldn't bring any happiness. I was feeling lucky though so I did put a bet on the Grand National. I lost! But then so did a lot of people.

Today I was buying coffee. Again I was given the change of a twenty when I'd only paid with a tenner. I told the lady that was twice in one week that had happened to me. It's funny how during a time of economic recession people are so careless about money. I wonder who the God of Wealth is and why he can't place money in front of me in the form of a new, better paid job.

Anyway, here's how Karma works. I didn't take money that wasn't mine because that's not the way I want to have money. I know many people wouldn't care. Money is money. On Saturday my mate from work got me to climb through the window of her cousin's flat to let her in. She needed the toilet and he wasn't in. Of course I was slightly inebriated which is why I thought nothing of climbing in through the window of someone's flat when they weren't there. All was well until a few hours later I got s call from my mate telling me that I'd left my bankcard at her cousin's house. Only I would be stupid enough to break into someone's house and leave them stuff rather than take anything. I got my card back though. Perhaps if I had taken the change that wasn't mine I wouldn't have got it back. Who knows but I like to think that what goes around comes around and if you try to do positive it will come back to you.

Pin Head

I don't mind admitting that I'm behind the times with music. This is why I'm only just now figuring out who Paolo Nutini is. I knew his songs from the radio, and liked them, but I thought it was a chick singing, possibly Macy Gray or someone. I was quite surpised to find out he's a pretty boy from Scotland. He may be a pretty boy but he doesn't play any instruments and he's got a weird singing face. I think he feels the emotion of his lyrics a little too much. I understand the poor lad's singing about his broken heart but it just looks like he's doing a really painful pooh. I do like him though.

It seems I am once again below average. The circumference of my head measures 21 inches and the average for a woman is 22 1/2 inches. I figure this is why I always look ridiculous in sunglasses. And why I can stick my head through bars without having to call the fire brigade.

Diggin' Up Worms

I forget what a healer music can be. I've been feeling a bit flat lately. The weather plays a big part. The Wind is nothing but a big, overbearing bully. I was gonna nominate it for eviction but then I rememebered this ain't Big Brother. Ballymena is in a slump too. There's no life about it. Where's all the clowns to make me laugh?

But back to music being a healer. What else is there to do on a Monday afternoon other than stick the tunes on full blast and have a bouncy disco to yourself. It's the simple things in life that make me happy, like dancing and sweets, clouring in, climbing trees and chasing after stray cats. It's when the stray cats chase after you that it all turns a bit sour.

I'm on the job hunt again. A manager who thinks it's viable to have an employee working 11 days in a row is a manager who is not only stupid but also a fool. A stupid fool. Just lately I've had an urge to climb Slemish. I know it's time for a change when I want to head for the hills.

I shall leave you with a link to MGMT-Time To Pretend. This song has the best intro ever. Also the video is awesome. Makes me think of going on a cruise to the windmills with Mels in her knightrider car. Adventures + Mels = Good Times!!

Lost In Lopburi

To follow on from a couple of weeks ago, about my last month spent in Thailand, here’s a letter I wrote to mum but never sent (even just posting a letter involved going to the post office where no one would be able to speak English):

Dear Mum,

I don’t want to worry you but I just wanted to let you know how I’m feeling. To be honest, I’m feeling scared. I’ve come back to Lopburi but not back to what I’d left behind. I miss my apartment and I miss the security of working. I know that in time these things will fall into place but right now I feel unsettled and worried. It’s bad enough not having a job at home but in a different country it’s even worse.

I know there’s no point wishing I hadn’t come back because it’s done now and I have to deal with it.

I never wanted to leave here so soon but I think I’d totally psyched myself up for coming home that I can’t help but feel a little disappointed. A part of me wishes I wasn’t so far away.

I guess I’m just feeling mixed up by everything. My ‘last’ week in Lopburi was extremely stressful and frustrating. Romy and I both felt lost, betrayed and helpless. We were scared and felt like there was no one here to help us. We ran away without saying goodbye to our friends, our students, without any acknowledgement of what we’d done, without any appreciation from school. It wasn’t the way we’d wanted to leave.

So when I found out that I didn’t have to go it just seemed right that I should stay, go back to Lopburi and face the situation…


And face the situation I did. I got myself work with another school and I went back to my old one to try and get the rest of my wages. The Head of Department could do nothing for me (it was out of her hands) but she seemed sympathetic in her own way. Another teacher, the kindest, gentlest being I’ve ever met, gave me a 1000 baht out of her own pocket. A thousand baht in our money is just under £20 but in Thailand it goes a lot further. She took me aside and I tried to refuse but she insisted. She gave me a hug and I knew, of all the other teachers, she was the only one that really cared. My new employers were also very understanding and supportive of my situation. Before I left they told me to get in touch if I wanted to go back teaching and they reassured me that all the paperwork would be legit.

This is life though. It doesn’t matter how far from home you are there are always people who will help you. Most people are good, kind people. I know many of them but not all of them. Not yet anyway.

Getting In The Mood For Waffle Day

In a mere TWO days it will be International Waffle Day. Yes, such a day exists! And why not? One day I'll own my very own waffle house. Here's what I'd have on my menu:

Apple and Cinnamon Waffle - Cinnamon flavoured waffle drizzled with hot apple sauce and a scoop of vanilla ice cream.

Traditional Waffle - Waffle with maple syrup and vanilla ice cream.

Banoffee Waffle - Waffle topped with sliced banana, hot toffee sauce and a scoop of vanilla ice cream.

Plain Waffle - Hot waffle with any two scoops of ice cream (vanilla, chocolate, honeycomb, caramel or strawberry)

Coconut Waffle - Coconut flavoured waffle with coconut ice cream, drizzled with hot choclate sauce.

Chocolate Fudge Waffle - Chocolate flavoured waffle with scoop of vanilla ice cream and hot fudge sauce.

Malt Waffle - Malted waffle with scoop of malteasers ice cream and sprinkled with chocolate flakes.


I think, of all my buisness plans (Hannah's Hot Air Balloon Rides, Scabby Birds Escort Agency), the waffle house is definitely the most promising.

Nigelly's Buns

Mels was over at the weekend. I was useless and didn’t get a treasure hunt organised for her but we did go on a wee excursion. It was Friday 13th and Mel, being obsessed with scary stuff, ghosts and such like, wanted to do something scary. I asked everyone I knew and the only option anyone came up with was camping at Tardree forest. I don’t know what would be scarier, the Blair Witch or the perverts out dogging. Anyway, we ended up going to Skerry Graveyard, which is actually quite scary, although perhaps I only have these associations because of the time Mel and I tried to drive down the Mouth of Hell.

Do you know how quickly Nelly can whip up a batch of fairy cakes? Very. When I arrived home yesterday mum presented me with a batch of delicious looking chocolate buns. Instead of a smile she got a stroppy glare and me mumbling about having given up chocolate for lent. So chocolate free buns were made and Mel and I expertly decorated them. They looked like those buns Jamie Oliver and the wean’s decorated for Comic Relief.

Poor Seller

I almost forgot to write about this. Today in work Horatio pointed at a t.shirt and asked me who the guy was on it. Che Guevarra. But I should know that because I'm 26. Wee Prawn on the other hand is 19. I remember when I was that age and Mum and Bert would laugh hysterically at the things I came out with. Wee Prawn remarked to Horatio yesterday that them Bin Laden t.shirts don't seem to be selling too well. Oh, to be that age again.

Lazy Boy Bert's Mid Morning Snooze

It's amazing, you know, that a mother (Pearlie) could know her son (Bertie Boy) for nearly 50 years and still not know certain things about him. I was chatting to Pearlie about Bert's habit of stashing. As long as I've known Bert he's always stashed goodies like chocolate bars and buns. He did this because, in our house, if you left tasty things lying around they'd be scoffed for sure. Bert wasn't the best at stashing though. Either he'd hide it somewhere stupid, like under the cushion on the sofa, where the dogs would find it, or he'd hide it somewhere so cunning he'd totally forget where it was. This was all news to Pearlie. I'm not sure that she found it particularly interesting news but what else are you meant to talk to old birds about?

While we're on the subject of Bert being nearly 50, Wacko Jacko (aka Clint) walked in on Bert today while he was having a mid-morning snooze. Wacko was apparently disgusted and exclaimed:

Huh, it's bad enough ye sittin' playing that clarinet all day but sleeping?

Bert's feeble reply was that he was turning 50 this year. But as mum pointed out, what was his excuse when he was 40? He was psyching himself up for it.

There are many reasons to leave this country. High up on the list are the shootings that took place at Antrim's army barracks on Saturday night. I don't normally talk about things like this in my blog 'cos I hate even thinking about it let alone writing about it but I need to mention it because it's just down the road from me and I'm not ignorant.

On a lighter note, I'm back home after a lovely few days in Norwich (now the sick person capital rather than the road kill capital) seeing dad and Katkins. Ever since visiting the ice cream parlour in Ballymena Zoe and I have had cravings for hot waffles with ice cream. We mentioned this to Abbie who said we should visit The Waffle House in Norwich. This place has inspired me to open one up here. It's amazing.

Now I'm back at home watching Fish Face Freddy, who is full of devilment, harassing The Good Cat. We reckon The Good Cat will probably leave home soon. Maybe she'd like to come to South America with me. I'm seriously trying to muster the gumption to set up a treasure hunt for Mel, who's home this weekend, but I'm not sure if my brain'll be working well enough. Maybe I could just recycle Bert's treasure hunt from a few years ago.

Why The Dream Ended

I never fully explained why I had to leave Thailand. It's pretty complicated but I'll try my best.

When I got the teaching job there Romy and I were the only 2 teachers who weren't with a British or US based agency. We were with a Thai 'govermental agency'. This 'agency' consisted of one woman, the lady who picked me up from the airport, and her assistant who's name was Pink. Pink was the one who settled us in and took us to all the relevant places to sort out our permits. I was teaching with my school for 5 months in total. We eventually got our work permits 4 months after teaching.

This is where it gets complicated. I went over on a tourist visa. After a few months there I was issued a non-immigrant B visa. This entitled me to stay in the country for a year. You need the non-immigrant B to get a work permit but once you get your work permit the non-immigrant B is null and void. Eventually I got my work permit.

Now this is where it gets super complicated and I'm not even entirely sure what exactly happened. By the time I got my work permit there were other teachers starting at my school. One was an older man from the UK. Frankly, we thought he was weird but he'd been in the country a lot longer than us and so I guess we were influenced by him. He informed us that he'd got a Thai friend to phone the local office that issued our permits. According to them Pink had called to say that we had resigned, Thus making our work permits void.

Now, had we known this we would have had 14 days to leave the country and come back on a tourist visa, but we only found out about 3 weeks later. After the 14 days we weren't even meant to be in the country, let alone work in it. We were also getting fined 500 Baht everyday we overstayed our welcome. So we freaked. We called the British Embassy and they confirmed our situation was bleak.

It gets better though. On top of us accruing fines we were owed a month's pay. It was up to our agency to pay us as the school had paid the agency upfront for 6 months. The situation got so bad that the school had to pay us half the month's wages out of their own pocket (this was a poor school). Obviously our head of department was as concerned about the situation as we were but for different reasons. She wanted us to continue teaching even though we legally weren't allowed to. It all got so convoluted and twisted that me and Romy felt we had no choice but to bail. This meant walking out on our apartments without paying what we owed them.

We packed all our shit up in one day, gave all the stuff we couldn't pack away to the teachers that had work permits and were staying. We stayed up 'til 3 in the morning because there was a door man in our apartments who was likely to get suspicious if he saw me and Romy leaving with all our bags. As it happened he woke up anyway and asked us in Thai where we were going. Romy said Chiang Mai. He seemed happy enough and we went to the train station. We left what had been our home for the past 5 months at 3 in the morning without saying goodbye to anyone.

The plan was to spend a few days in Bangkok 'hiding out' and then get planes back to the UK where we were allowed to be. We were hoping we could get away with the fines at the airport because our non-immigrant B's hadn't been stamped and so according to our passports we hadn't overstayed our visas. We'd saved the money for the fines anyway just in case. We enjoyed a crazy few days in Bangkok that passed by in a blur of Sang Som and Pina Colada's. Romy went to get her flight the night before I was due to get mine. She made it through without the fines and landed safely back in London. I'm sure she was never as glad to see it.

I met up with some of the teachers for one last Mexican meal the evening that I was due to catch my plane. I was informed that one of the teachers at my school looked at my documents and according to them, all was fine. Meaning that I didn't need to leave. I could stay and find a new teaching job. I remember calling mum literally an hour before I was leaving and telling her I was staying after all. I went back to Lopburi with my mates and stayed with Brad.

I'd been back in Lopburi for about a week and was getting myself sorted with more teaching when I was informed that the teacher who told me everything was fine was wrong. Right back to square fecking one. Still not allowed to be in the country, or teach, and getting fined even more. I think that was the point where I finally gave up. I'd done all I could to try to stay there but it just wasn't happening. I accepted my fate and dealt with the disappointment by believing that there was a reason why I was meant to be at home.

I finally went home a month after Romy. It was the strangest month of my life. I have much more to write about it but just now my fingers are sore and I'm parched. I haven't done it justice in this blog and I'll never fully understand what exactly happened so maybe I'll never be able to.

Growing Feet and Smelly Socks

Brrrrrr. I'm glad it's March but have we not endured enough winter weather? Woke up this morning to snow. Me and snow haven't really got on since I was the age of 7. I don't like wet and eventually snow, as pretty as it can be, turns to wet, making me wet. I think my friend Romy is the only one who understands how much I hate being wet. It makes being clean very difficult. Of course I am clean (mostly) but not liking being wet makes it harder for me to eenjoy the whole cleaning process.

Having said that the I don't really mind getting wet. It's when you get wet and then you get cold. Cold and wet. My two least favourite conditions. Sod's Law that I ended up being born in Ireland rather than Jamaica. I once met a Thai girl who loved Britian for it's coldness. Maybe the Stork got us mixed up.

Anyway, this is just rambling. A blog-filler. So I might as well tell you about my horrible customer yesterday. A fella in his mid 30's. Smelly. I asked if I could help him get a size in jeans. He told me 32 waist and 33 leg. This would make him the size of average Joe. I don't think his name was Joe though 'cos his waist was considerably bigger than 32 inches and he was a shortarse. And he smelt really really bad! But I'm not just mean and slagging off innocent customers. There's a reason for writing about him. He'd picked out a shoe and asked if I could get him the other one. I asked him what size and he said a 10. I got him the other shoe and he tried it on. I asked if they were ok and he said: I don't know, there's not a lot of room, you know, in case my feet might grow.

He was in his mid 30's, I'm pretty sure his feet had stopped growing. We didn't have the next size up so he didn't take the shoes because there wasn't a nig enough gap at the back. For his feet to grow. Maybe I'm being ignorant and there's some kind of ailment that makes your feet grow. If there is then I apologise to the dude. But I still reccommend that he goes home and takes a bath unless, of course, he's like me and doesn't like gtting wet.

What's Happened To Mr. Muscle

Remember this guy? Mr. Muscle. Loves the jobs you hate. Katkins (congratulations and jubilations) was quite endeared by him. That's probably why Graham Coxon was always her favourite member of Blur.

Well, Mr. Muscle seems to have been on the 'roids lately 'cos he's looking slightly more buff than he used to. In fact, he looks a lot like my boyfriend*. But surely the whole point of the earlier ads was that Mr. Muscle Oven Cleaner was so powerful that even a scrawny weed could do a good job. The new buffed-up version totally defeats the purpose. Perhaps the old Mr. Muscle got too big for his boots and started requesting more money.

And anyway, Mr. Muscle causes cancer. Fact! (according to Mel's dad).

*Ha!

So There Ye Go

The nicest thing I did this weekend was meet my big sis at the new ice cream parlour in Ballymena.
Unfortunately they didn't have the hot waffles so I settled for a Knickerbocker Glory. I had caramel ice cream, toffee fudge ice cream, marshmallows, more fudge, caramel sauce and white chocolate sauce (Like I said before, white chocolate isn't really chocolate). Pure sugar heaven....

I went out with some girls from work on Friday night. Apparently I am hilarious to go out drinking with because I don't mind getting up on the dancefloor on my own and dancing like an idiot. Wee Prawn needed a good night out with the girls so I was glad to oblige.

I stayed in on Saturday night and updated my CV...yeah, I know. There were a few reasons for this, the most obvious being that I am at the end of my tether in my current job. I thought my last boss was bad at running a buisness but he's got nothing on my current employers. My male boss at the minute speaks to some of his staff like they are dirt. I dream of foreign lands.

So there ye go. Next weekend I'll be in the roadkill capital of England, Norfolk, visiting my dad and sister. Yeeeoow! And the weekend after that Mels is back in town (and Nelly has promised her treacle tart) and I'm pretty sure the weekend after that is when Spring officially starts and we are rewarded with an extra hour of daylight for our bravery in surviving Winter.

Forget The Chocolate It's All About The Toffee Fudge

I was just doing a bit of ice cream research because it's an important part of my....um....life. I've just got lost in the Ben and Jerry's website for about an hour. They even have a graveyard for all the flavours of ice cream they no longer produce. Also, I was surprised at their list of Top Ten Flavours. I would've thought something a bit more exciting than Cherry Garcia would have made it to the No. 1 spot.

Then I took a visit over at the Haagen Dazs website. This is the ice cream for the more mature, sophisticated ice cream scoffer. While I like a bit of Haagen Dazs I find there ice cream just ain't indulgent enough.

I couldn't find any Thorntons ice cream flavours online, which is a shame because one of the nicest ice creams I've ever had was a Thornton's toffee fudge flavour. I did find a cupcake that looked like a little bit of heaven on a plate though. Here she is. Excuse me while I mop the drool from my mouth.

'Ok' To Make Money Out Of Dying Celebs?

I can't get over the hype surrounding Jade Goody. It just seems wrong that the media are cashing in on her death. To be fair, I haven't been reading gossip mags for ages so I don't really know what's being said or by whom but I do know that everywhere I look, TV, papers, magazines, Jade Goody's face is plastered all over the place. All of a sudden her on/off boyfriend, who is a lying, cheating, talentless, toerag, wants to marry her. Quelle surprise.

I just find it all very strange. It's almost like there's a countdown to her death. And this is not just any old celebrity, like Sienna Miller or Robbie Williams, this is Jade Goody, the girl who we hated, loved, felt sorry for, laughed at, mocked, ridiculed, the girl who was stupid, loveable, annoying, bitchy and, once voted, 'mother of the year' This is a girl who became famous for nothing and clung onto every ounce of publicity she could ever get. Although she didn't win Big Brother she has famously done better than any other Big Brother contender. Most people have, at some point over the past five years, formed some kind of opinion of Ms Goody, whether good or bad. There's no denying that she's a pretty famous chick (in the humble old British Isles, of course) but I still don't understand how someone can put themselevs in the public arena when they're dying. Maybe I'm just old fashioned.

On totally unrelated note, since I've given up chocolate for Lent I've been perusing the internet for tasty chocolate-free treats. I should've known better than to look at Z's 'Greed' set on Flickr. And I really should've known better than to look at this photo of Z's white chocolate, banana and cranberry muffins. I remember them well. I helped make them. Got me thinking though. Would it be a cop-out if I only gave up brown chocolate for Lent?

Happy Hannah/ Hairy Head Hannah

Whilst flicking through my sister's Flickr I came across a couple of photos of myself. In the first one you'll notice an air of happiness about me. In the second one, however, I look distinctly displeased. In both photos I am wearing the exact same coat and hat. But the first photo was taken on 14th September 2007 and the second one was taken in January 2008. No wonder I look pissed off. I'd been wearing the same hat and coat for well over a year. Also, there are clealry no sweets in the second pic.

Talking of sweets. I do plan to give up chocolate for Lent. Not because I'm profoundly religious but just to see if I can exercise any sort of willpower atall. I'm not giving up sweets though. Or biscuits, or any of mum's home-baking. Why would I torture myself?

Oh, and another thing, I saw this job advertised and reckon it'd be perfect for me.

I Wanted To Be A Mango

I wasn't gonna bother posting this but I guess I am Hannah Banana fer sure.

You Are a Banana

You are mellow, easy going, and a total softie on the inside. People find it really easy to get along with you. You suit most tastes. And while you're very sweet, you're not boring or ordinary. You have an attraction to the exotic, and you could show up anywhere... doing almost anything! You are spirited, energetic, and a total kick to be around. You're also quite funny. Your sense of humor is on the goofy side, and it fits you well.

What Type of Fruit Are You?

Paddy Posts Again

Paddy got so excited about the newly installed wi-fi that he insisted on doing a guest post. He does so little these days, how could I refuse him. This is what Paddy's got to say for himself:


I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever live a peaceful life. I try so hard to get my recommended 22 hours sleep a day but everyone's so demanding of me. When the Bitcher (God rest her scunge-dog soul) was alive she'd have me out all hours scunging the country. I quit all that nonsense though. Was a bit worried I'd get lost on my own and never come home again. Or get my head stuck in a bucket.

But, y'see, in this house as soon as one animal passes away they seem to think there's room for another and take in any oul' stray. Like that fecking ginger hoor-cat. If it's not harassing Hannah to the point where she's screaming blue murder at it, it's harassing the Good Cat (formerly known as Holly). There's no crueler sound to the dog's sensitive ear than the wailing of an irate woman and an upset she-cat. Maybe the clarinet.

So what with Bonnie Dog's constant blethering on about what a good time she had at the Mourne Mountains with Moms and Dawds, Hannah's scrawking at the ginger hoor-cat from Hell and Bert's incessant peep-peeping on the clarinet, how is a dog ever meant to get his 22 hours sleep a day?

P


Poor Paddy Dog. I think he just needed to get that off his chest.

The Creepy Teddy

When I started work on Friday I was carrying a box of jeans to the other store round the corner. By the time I'd made it to the other shop wee Prawn came round and told me I was to ring Horatio (my assistant manager's preferred title). I called him and he asked if I'd seen the guy as I was leaving.

"Naw, what guy?" I asked

Horatio described him (apparently he looked crusty) then told me that just as I'd left he'd come up to the till and asked about me. He asked if I was still working in this shop or working in another. Horatio told him I worked here. Then the guy said: Don't tell her I was asking about her.

Horatio thought he seemed kind of unsavoury and told me I was to phone him if he came into the shop round the corner. When the big store manager found out the next day she berated Horatio for leaving me around there on my own.

Anyway, I thought nothing more about 'til I was back in work on Monday and Prawn and Horatio showed me a Valentine's teddy that had come through the post on Saturday. They reckoned it was for me from the guy who was asking about me. I told them not to be silly but when I looked at the label it made me suffer a terrible flashback. It read: To Gorgus* From Good Lookin' Look after Sexy the bear.

I chatted to some goon at the pub a couple of times and when I asked him his name (out of politness not a desire to actually know) he told me it was Mc GoodLookin'. He was a funny wee cratur and so I humored him. Shortly after I started working in my shop I seen him in it one day so I called out to him "Alright McGoodLookin'?" We made polite chit chat and that was that. I haven't seen him since well before Christmas.

I don't know anything for sure but I'm getting teased in work for having a stalker. That teddy could've been for any of the girls but I'm still left wondering who was asking about me on Friday. If I wanted a stalker though I'd have gone back to Thailand.

*His mispelling not mine

Today Is Brought To You By The Letter...

The broken down barman has kindly given me a letter so I can join in the "Today is brought to you by the letter..." game. This is the kind of thing that's keeps me amused for hours. I've been given the letter 'f' so I have to post 10 things that begin with the letter 'f' that I love.

1. Floating - not that I've ever properly floated like a witch but I love the idea of it. Or my head floating off my shoulders.

2. Fun and Frolics - especially in the sun. I love playing at the park, climbing trees, obstacle courses.

3. Feasts - of drink or chocolate or anything tasty.

4. Fish Face Freddy - he is somewhat irritating but he's so sweet the way he cuddles into you and purrs.

5. Friends and family - Should be at the top of the list because they are the whole reason for being alive.

6. Fristi's - a delicious fruit flavoured milk drink you get in Holland but that, strangely, comes in a can.

7. Foreign lands - wherever in the world. If you've never been there before it's an adventure.

8. Fifteens - as in the buns, 15 digestive biscuits, 15 marshmallows, 15 cherries....hmmm.

9. Fires - they're warm and pretty to look at.

10. Fluffy things - I'm a sucker for cute, fluffy animals and sweet boys.


Nelly, Mels, Ed.....I'll be disappointed in you all if you don't ask for a letter! Maybe I'll let Ed off with it as it is perfect flying weather today.

Some Colour In My Cheeks

A couple of year's ago I got a single red rose from God. It wasn't Valentine's or my birthday or anything but God's a bit of a card like that, he doesn't wait for the days that society dictates romance. But a rose from God's a rose from God. He gives them to all the girls. And it's much better getting a single red rose from someone you actually fancy. It's especially nice when they go to the bother of hand delivering it themselves (God could never be arsed and just got Angels to do the delivering).

It was very sweet of Jakers to come into my work with a rose for me. My cheeks turned the same colour as the rose and all the other girls were livid with their boys for not doing the same. Smug? Me? Never!

The Queen Of Sweets

Dirt Bird sent me a text message a while back. It read:

IF YOU'RE AT THE PUB TONIGHT GET A SLOE GIN AND LEMONADE AND TELL ME WHAT SWEETIE YOU THINK IT TASTES LIKE.

I sent her one back saying:

DIDN'T GET A CHANCE TO TRY THAT DRINK BUT I RECKON IT WOULD TASTE LIKE REFRESHERS.

Dirt Bird replied:

OH MY GOD! YOU REALLY ARE THE QUEEN OF SWEETS! THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT IT TASTES LIKE.

Yes, The Queen Of Sweets. Everyone's got their niche. Mine's sweets. I once wrote a letter to Mr. Cadbury asking whatever happened to Secret chocolate bars. Imagine my excitement when I actually got a reply in the post! It said, "Thankyou for your recent enquiry about Secret chocolate bars but Cadbury did not manufacture them, it was, in fact, Nestle Rowntree".

I wrote a letter to Nestle too hoping I'd wangle a recipe out of them but they wouldn't share. McGroggan's of Ballymena are just as greedy with their fudge and ice-cream recipes. I need me a job in the sweet industry, either as manufacturer or as a sweet tester (if it doesn't pass the Hannah seal of approval it just ain't good enough).

I'm sure everyone's bored of skittles, chewits and jelly tots and their boring strawberry, orange and lemon flavours. Imagine sweets with flavours like mango, kiwi, watermelon, gooseberry, loganberry, snozzleberry, lychee and peach. Hmmmm....Willy Wonka don't know shit about shit.

Happy Birthday Pearlie

Bert, Pearlie and Hannah
Originally uploaded by NellyMoser

It was Pearlie's birthday on Tuesday. She was suitably chuffed with her flowers and cards. She especially liked the card from me as I'd practically wrote an essay in it (she told me once she hated cards that said To Blah From Blah and nothing else).

This is my favourite photo of oul' Pearlie Blue. 'Tis a rare one where she actually looks happy. I look so happy because I'm clutching onto Bert's bottle of Glenfiddich Whiskey. I love Bert's "I'm such a doting son pose". You'd never think this was the same man who told his ma to move her silly oul' heid ( old head) when he was fixing her pillows. Pearlie's come-back was that if Bert maybe lived to be as old as her he might have a silly oul' heid too. I told her Bert already has one of those.

Blog Lazy

This is the height of blog laziness. I was tagged on Facebook by a couple of people to disclose 25 facts about myself. Since I can't think of anything better to write about at the minute I'm gonna copy and paste it.

Edit

About Me 7:14pm

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you*. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

To do this, go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.

1. Snap is my favourite card game.

2. Unlike most people I quite like a suffocating heat.

3. I love colouring in.

4. I wish I was left-handed.

5. Dancing makes me feel alive.

6. I'm addicted to malt.

7. The first album I ever owned was Vic Reeves 'I Will Cure You'

8. I wish I didn't have E.T. fingers.

9. Even though it was dumb, I don't regret the basketball incident.

10. I find doing jigsaws therapeutic.

11. I should wear glasses but I forget that I'm blind.

12. If you can make me laugh I'll think you're awesome.

13. I clap my hands when I'm excited.

14. I taught myself to juggle with oranges.

15. I want to be a carpenter. Either that or a pole-dancer.

16. If you're ever in my heart you'll always have a place there.

17. My least favourite day is a Tuesday.

18. I believe there should be more treasure hunts.

19. Looking up at really tall buidings makes me feel sick.

20. I am maths phobic.

21. I'm like a border collie, I need lots of physical and mental stimulation or I get a bit demented.

22. I'm more oral than anal.

23.It took me a loooong time to figure out how to do this.

24. I am morbidly feared of the cold.

25. I count my lucky stars at least once a day.


* Typically, I forgot to tag the people who tagged me.

The Malteaster Bunny

I'm not sure how I came to be addicted to malt but it's definitely one of my stranger vices. But, oh, how I share the joy that malt can bring! In Thailand it was all about the Milo. Here at home it's all about the malteasers and Whiskey. I'm sure when I'm an old lady I will ahoot and aholler for gallons of horlicks.

Easter isn't exactly around the corner but in the Land of Confectionary (my favourite place), the eggs and chocolate bunnies are rearing their pretty little heads. I feel it is my duty to inform you of the delights of the Malteaster Chocolate Bunny. I have already converted the girls at work, Bert and DogStar. If you haven't already tried one, go now, go before I eat them all. Because I will.

I need a new alcoholic beverage to drink. Jameson's will always be my No. 1 but I'm getting bored of the kind of drunk I get from it. I want to experience new levels of drunkeness. Not quite to the extent of someone like the Wee Manny (or Sir Drink A Lot as he is otherwise known) but I feel that in these cold winter months I need a drink that will lift my spirits better.

I might try the A - Z of shots this weekend.

A - Absinthe: probably not the best shot to start off with but sure what the hey?
B - Bailey's: Probably not the best shot to take after Absinthe but all good fun.
C - Cognac: It's gonna taste rank after the yummy Bailey's but what can ye do?
D - Drambuie: Never had this before so I can't comment but I'll probably have a nice glow about me after this one.
E - Eggnog: Might have to skip this one.
F - Framboise: A nice French strawberry flavoured licqueur to take a way the taste of the Drambuie.
G - Gin: Makes you sin.
H - Hennessey: By this time I should be feeling well oiled.
I - I'll be too drunk to think of a shot that begins with I so I might have another go at A.
J - Jagermeister: Ideally as a J-Bomb with a Redbull too. Helps it go down better.
K - Kool Aid Shot: Simply mix your favourite flavour of Kool Aid with any spirit.
L - Long Island Ice Tea: I'm struggling for drinks here.
M - Malt Whiskey: My two favourite things.
N - Nalt Whiskey: Exactly the same as the previous.
O - I should probably skip 'O' or I'll be blocked.
P - Pernod: Probably my mouth will be numb by this stage so I won't have to taste the acrid aniseed.
Q - Quagmire: Apparently there is a drink by this name. I don't know what it is but I want one.
R - Rum: A dark one, natch.
S - Sang Som: My favourite Thai beverage. I'll have to import some though.
T - Tequila: The night starts to get interesting.
U - Uzo: Is where I lose consciousness.
V - Vodka: Is where I regain consciousness and start a fight with my reflection in the mirror.
W - Whiskey: Makes everything better.
X - Marks the spot - where I pass out.
Z - zzzzzz is what I'll be doing when I've completed the A-Z of shots.

This Time Last Year

An idea shamelessly stolen from Nelly (who probably shamelessly stole it from someone else).


This time last year I was fretting about my hair. Funnily enough I need a haircut now so no change there really. A year ago today my mind was still fairly innocent before them truckers corrupted me. I still had the faint markings of a Thailand Tan as opposed to ghost white skin.

But this time two years ago...

I was overly concerned about Leap Year babies and when they celebrate their birthdays, sorting out my provisional licence and buying HGV theory test books, watching Neighbours clips 'til I was physically ill and, like I do every January, eagerly awaiting Spring, longer days, warmer weather and good times.

Forward Planning Is The 1st Rule To Happiness

The second rule is not telling anyone but what the hell. With the current financial climate it's hard to feel secure in your job. Luckily I have a few back-up plans:

1. Hot Water Bottle Head Hannah's Hot Air Balloon Rides - Ok, so there's the small problem of buying a hot air balloon, getting my pilot licence and convincing people that taking a ride through the misty clouds of Norn Iron is an excellent idea.

2. Bert and Hannah's Wonderful Wooden Toys Inc. - Bert makes the toys, I promote them. This could be good with the credit crunch going on. Next Christmas kids will be overjoyed with their wooden bricks and cup and balls instead of their Nintendo Wii's and Xboxes. For sure!

3. Scabby Bird's Escort Agency - Men won't be able to afford expensive escorts. Oh no! Perfect time to promote the budget escort. I have several laydees who are perfectly willing to offer their services. Call 0800 696 696.



On a totally unrelated note regarding my lost phone: Salt Face, when someone asks for your number because they've lost their phone, it does not help if you send your number to the phone they have lost!!! Of course, I'd never have known if I hadn't got my phone back but, really, doh!

The Adventures Of Hannah's Phone

The reason I didn't send anyone any New Year greetings via text was because I lost my phone. Or rather, my phone was accidentally taken from my house. I say accidentally but who knows? A girl had the same phone as me. This girl and her fella thought that someone else at my house had called her a dog. Technically they had but it wasn't meant to offend. Anyway, this lass went home with my phone. I thought she might call my home number and get it back to me but she didn't.

A week and a half later, after I'd given up and bought a new phone, a girl in work told me she'd forgotten I'd lost my phone, called it and it was ringing. I called it and it was ringing but no answer. So if my phone was on it meant someone had charged it and was using it. I sent a text message saying: I think you accidentally took my phone with you on New Year but you can contact me on this no. and we can arrange for me to get it back.

No reply. I tried ringing it again. Switched off. By this point I was raging because I knew they had my phone and were using it. Monday morning in work I got a phone call from a solicitor in Ballymena. She had my phone. She'd called the office number which was my old boss' number and they told her where I worked. She'd found it on the street and went out of her way to get it back to me. She's one type of person. The chick and fella who thought they'd got a free phone out of me are another type.

I got my phone back but they'd deleted all my pictures and deleted a lot of numbers. They'd set it up to how they wanted it to be. None of that really matters though. I don't need the phone now 'cos I got a new one but the main thing is, they don't have it.

A Decommendation

After forcing mum and Bert to watch Tideland and then watching it again with Jakers I have decided it is not the kind of film that should be recommended. It's the kind of film that should be stumbled upon, accidentally. It can only be described as uncomfortable viewing, sugar-coated with exceptional cinematography and superb acting, but uncomfortable viewing all the same. It is a good film, just in a very twisted way. Watch it if you're brave.

Free Gift With Coat

Finally, a story from work that I can actually blog about. For surely that is the whole point of working, non?

A lass I work with, let's call her Alex, picked out a brown coat yesterday that was on sale for £8. She loved it and bought it and was wearing it in the shop when a customer asked her if there were any more. There wasn't.

When Alex took her break she left her coat in the shop. She also left the labels on her new coat so when a customer took it up to the cashdesk wee Prawn sold it, not realising it was Alex's.

How gutted was Alex that her new coat had been sold? Very. How much did we laugh when she told us she'd chewed off all her false nails and put them in the coat pocket? Lots! How funny would it be to see the look on the girl's face when she reaches into the pocket of her brand new coat and discovers someone elses' manky chewed up nails? VERY!!!!!!

Christmas All Over Again

Online shopping's a funny thing for me. It takes me a while to get into but when I do it becomes dangerous. Dad got me a gift voucher and I wanted new music but when it came to it I didn't know what to get. We watched the film Juno on Christmas day and I thought it had a nice wee mellow soundtrack so that was my first purchase. I'd been ranting and raving about Jeff Noon recently so I bought Pollen and Nymphomation. The final thing I got was Tideland. I'd watched this a couple of years ago and, typically, forgot the name of it. I told Kerm one night that it was called Fields Of Corn. It's a Terry Gilliam movie and although it's a bit dark it's extremely captivating. I then proceeded to the checkout to discover that I couldn't pay with my voucher because I'd bought used items. Aw weel...

I paid with my card and continued shopping. Suddenly I was inspired. I got the Black Rebel Motorcycle Club's B.R.M.C. and a weird CD by Jack Johnson and friends called Curious George. I probably should've checked that one first. I also got Death In Vegas' Scorpio Rising. Nice bit of chill out music to soothe the mind. The last thing I got was The Tao of Pooh and The Te of Piglet by Benjamin Hoff. Thanks dad for all my lovely presents!!

Short 'n' Sweet (Like Dirt Bird)

Bert told us yesterday that he was in lighting Pearlie's fire the other day and she ordered him to pass her a pair of her white bloomers. Bert, being the obedient son that he is, dutifully passed the closest pair of Pearlie Pants to hand, flung them at her and got back to his manly buisness of fire-making. When he turned to look at Pearlie again he was surprised to see her brandishing the bloomers on her head. Says he: Whit d'ye have them on yer heid fer? Says she: Ma ears are cold!

So Bert left her to it, warming her ears with a pair of her pants. Forgot all about it 'til the carers came in to tend Pearlie and all he heard was great guffaws coming from her room!

Festive Cheer For My Teeth

Happy Christmas!!! When you get all the stress by you it's actually quite a nice time of year. I got lots of lovely presents from everyone. Amongst my favourites were the hat that Auntie J got me. It's a peaked beanie hat which is even better than a beanie hat because you can wear it in the summer and claim the peak keeps the sun out of your eyes. A hat for all seasons! I also loved the tee shirt Katkins got me and dearest dad sent me some Franz Ferdinand CD's and an amazon gift voucher. New music!!! My eardrums are trembling with delight. Mels spoiled me with Jelly Belly Beans, as did Moms and Auntie D. They must've picked up, somewhere along the line, that I like jelly beans. I think I have enough that I could actually take a bath in them.

Zoe created the best calendar ever, featuring 2 of the finests dog beasts in all this land. Another one of my best presents was from Danny Boy who sent me packets of Pocky, a Thai biscuit snack. I checked out the website which then inspired me to do a bit of sweetie research on the net (is that not what Christmas day is for?). I came across this site. Amazing. Scroll down and check out the crazy sugar delights such as cherry flavoured Bounty, Kit Kat chunky cookie dough flavour, Crunchie Freddo's! This may be my new favourite site. I especially love the 'chewy sweets and bars' section which includes the Skittles Chocolate mix!!! My teeth actually hurt looking at it.

There was another present I got from someone and it was really lovely. Unfortunately all he got back was socks and fudge. He would've got a chocolate russian roulette game as well except...uh...I couldn't wrap it so....uh.....Me, Mels, and Moms played it instead. Mum lost and had to eat the chilli sweet. She bait it into her mouth after claiming that she'd probably already eaten the chilli one without realising it. But the look on her face proved her wrong!!! Sorry Jakes but it was good fun.

Time to eat curry and bathe in jelly beans. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

Hats For Hot Water Bottles

Do you know how hard it is to get a beanie hat these days? Very. And do you know who I blame? Emo kids. Their hairstyles are too cool to cover up with boring headwear. And do you know what else is really hard to get? Hot water bottles, especially ones that come without a ridiculous soft and fluffy cover. Do people dress thir hot water bottles in coats in case they get cold?

I was nicknamed Hot Water Bottle Head Hannah by Jakers because, apparently, my head generates tremendous heat. Then why am I always so fecking cold? Mels once told me that you lose most of your body heat through your head. I remember her being sick with the lurgi and wearing a hat in bed. I need a hat for my hot water bottle head. I think I can see a point in those hot water bottle covers after all.

Christmas Shoes and Bully Beef

The job had been going alright but then today I was reminded what happens when a lot of girls work together; gossiping, bitching (or slabbering, as Ballymena folk like to say), whining, moaning, I said she said, and general annoying girly behaviour. Ach, it's not that bad, I'm just intolerant of this in the workplace. It's bad enough having to go out to work without having to work in a bad atmosphere.

On a brighter note, Salt Face has reminded me of a truly moving Christmas song about a pair of Christmas shoes. This song should probably actually have been banned because it's so disturbingly harrowing.

With all the excitement of the new batch of pork I had totally forgot about the bull calves Bert and Wacko are harvesting. I was asking if there meat would be veal when they died. Bert said they wouldn't. Oh how him and mum laughed at me when I asked if the meat would be bully beef. I couldn't figure out why they were laughing so much. I thought bully beef was the meat from an old bull hence the name, bully beef. It was in fact what people called corned beef in war times. Bert's folks used to refer to corned beef as bully beef. It's because none of his family were in the war so they had to pretend.

Also, I'd really love to know, is it easier to fold big blankets if you are taller?

Ho Ho Oh!

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery but today is a gift, that's why they call it the present.

This line was taken from Kung Fu Panda. I've been wrapping Christmas presents. It's taken me 26 years to learn a few things about wrapping presents. For example, only use the amount of paper needed. Excess paper makes for messy, bulky wrapping. Scotch tape, preferably on a tape dispenser, is the only way forward. It's the only sellotape that I don't get tangled up in. It's ten times classier looking than black tape too. The other thing that helps is patience. Too many years I have left wrapping to the last possible minute and handed over gifts that a 4 year old child could have wrapped better. The only good thing about this method is there's no way anyone's gonna guess what their present is.

At least I'm feeling a wee bit christmassy now. I still have loads to do but at least now I'm in the mood for doing them. Mels and Dirt Bird will both be home soon, which is good 'cause I've missed my girlies. Mels has some serious celebrating the end of her horrible examies to do and Dirt Bird has loads of getting drunk with Hannah and forgetting everything that happened to do! Yaay I can't wait!!

Sweaty Sweets

This is how my mind works: I'm unashamedly addicted to blogthings. The latest quiz they have featured is What Kind Of Sweater Are You? I immediately start to think about all the different ways you can sweat; profusely, coldly, sporadically? Of course it meant What Kind Of Jumper Are You? If it was called that, would there be loads of Americans thinking; long-jumper, high-jumper, trampoline jumper?

I actually pondered yesterday if Tic Tacs were pre-packaged in a certain way that made an even number of green and orange ones come out every time. After realising that this idea was ridiculous I came to the obvious conclusion that I had become expert at shaking an even number of both colours out. Today I was sorely disappointed to discover that it is not always an even number of Tic Tacs come out of the box.

I admit that it is odd to think so much about Tic Tacs but we all have our little quirks. I take my sweets very seriously. Mel and I managed to have a half hour conversation about Jelly Belly Beans. Mel has terrible taste in sweets though. She may beg to differ but I only know 2 people in the whole world who like white chocolate noses with green, snotty slime inside. I am due to participate in a sweet-off with the Dog Star. I've been told I'll be thrashed but I think I've been underestimated.

Speaking of taking sweets seriously, Nelly has professed to master the art of fudge-making. She's been doing her research and apparently confectionary requires a lot of skill. Even Z says that she hasn't conquered fudge yet and she's a domestic goddess. I can feel a fudge cook-off coming on y'know. Nelly vs Z vs Me. Bring it on!

Down On My Dish......Twice!

Friday was a bad day. Nothing really bad happened, it was just one of those days I shouldn't have left the house. I slipped on the ice getting off the bus and fell on my hoop. This was after the bus was late and kept me waiting in the freezing cold for half an hour. This was after I'd slept in and rushed around to get the bus. I arrived into work bloody-handed and dishevelled. I forced myself not to feel sorry for myself. This worked until after lunch sometime when I was running through the stock room, got my foot tangled in a plastic bag and fell, again, to the ground like a sack of potatoes.

I can't believe how quickly the time's going in. On one hand this is great as winter is rolling by and the sooner it's over the better. On the other hand it will be Christmas before I know it and I haven't even started Christmas shopping. This time last year I was spending my last days in Lopburi, Thailand. Oh I miss the warm sunshine. Another thing I miss is being anonymous. Christmas time in your hometown is like a war zone. Everyone comes out of the woodwork to buy presents and you find yourself taking half an hour to walk 10 metres because you have to stop and talk to everyone you know.

I'm really gonna try and inject some love back into my wee blog soon. I have ideas but time is limited. The winter is bleak and it's hard to do anything but just survive it. You'd think I had to endure winter in the North Pole the way I was talking about it! Well, I do live not too far from where the Polar bears reside.

Fluffiness

Dear oh dear. This is bad. I just checked my site metre and the only people who are visiting me are people who hate Natwest and people who want to know about Thai "boom boom". I need to do something more interesting with my life but right now it is actually too cold to function. I went to Primark today and invested in fluffy items of clothing. A nice soft dressing gown (the first one I have ever owned as men have always put me off them, lazing about the house looking slobbish) and some thick fluffy socks. I want to be warm this winter but I am not prepared to wear longjohns.

So Katkins, if you're reading this and you want to know what to get me for Christmas, think warm. But not longjohns. Ha! I have just glanced to the left of the computer to see a photo of Bert's dad back in the day when he was a young man. He looks like Humphrey Bogart! I think it's the hat and coat though. Perhaps everyone looked like Humphrey Bogart in those days.