Lame

Lame, lame, I'm so lame.

Please Rescue Me

Rosie
Originally uploaded by hootchinhannah.

Dear Auntie Hannah and Uncle Jamie,

Please can I come and live with you? It's not that I don't love Nelly and Bert, I do, I really do. It's that big lump of a dog Paddy. I just can't abide him anymore. He's so big and stupid and clumsy.

The only reason I ever started scunging was to get away from him but didn't the big lump just follow me. It's that nose of his. I'll gie him credit for that at least, he's a good sniffer dog. But that's besides the point. He's so stupid he's sure to get us shot one day.

So please Auntie Hannah can I come live with you. I'll miss Nelly and Bert but sure I don't ever get a chance to cuddle them anymore since Paddy came along. He's that overbearing and spoilt. He gets so jealous when anybody shows me any attention. People often think they're petting me but when they look down they see it's Paddy. It's because he pushes me out of the way.

Also, he has no concept of a good game. When you and Uncle Jamie try to play with me Paddy just comes along and spoils it. The only game he knows how to play is tugger and my teeth are too old and crumbly to play that now.

So please, please, please can I come and live in the town with you. I promise I'll be good and i'll guard your computer and saxophone and Uncle Jamie's trumpet. I promise I'll be good when that wee brat Gracie comes to visit. And I promise I'll never ever go scunging again.

Your's Loyally,

Rosie

P.S. I don't just want to live with you because Uncle Jamie has all them dog treats, I swear.

ZZZZZZZZZ

If I wasn't so tired I'd take a photograph of my tired face and post it. But I'm too tired so you'll have to imagine what my face looks like this tired. Me and the sexy Man Beast have been expecting a visit from Pirate John, Captain Tor and their respective Kiera Knightley's so I wanted the house looking tidy for their arrival.

We got stuck into it as soon as I finished work at 8 and didn't get finished til 11. Then I had about 3 hours sleep before I was up for work again. The Next Summer Sale, the day where you start work at ridiculous O'clock and realise that a lot of people are just crazed lunatics.

So not only am I suffering from lack of sleep but it's been a harsh 9 and a half hours at work. Jamie the Brave and Pirate John and his trusty crew have gone to conquer Slemish along with Gracie the Midget. I decided to stay at home and catch up on sleep. Reckon I need about 450 winks to feel human again.

Trusty Friends

I'd only been going out with Jamie a couple of months before I started calling him Man Beast. We shared a fantasy that Man Beast was some big strong hero with a trusty side-kick, Dog Beast. Every hero needs a theme song. This is Jamie's:

It's Man Beast, flying through the air,
It's Man Beast, without a single care,
It's Man Beast, with his gorgeous hair,
It's Man hair, although it's barely there.

It's Man Beast, running through the night,
It's Man Beast, ready for a fight,
Oh Man Beast, with his trusty friend,
It's Dog Beast, with him 'til the end.


Oh Dog Beast, bearing all his teeth,
It's Dog Beast ready for some grief,
Oh Dog Beast, with his trusty friend,
It's Man Beast, with him 'til the end.

Although I still call Jamie Man Beast, I'd forgotten all about this wee song. I found it when I was having a massive clear out and it made me smile. Obviously, if Jamie is Man Beast, then I am Dog Beast, bearing all my teeth.

The Hell Bunny From Hell

The other day when we were driving to Cullybackey I saw a rabbit on the side of the road. I don't think it could've been a wild bunny as it was white with tan markings on it's head. It was small so maybe it was a dwarf bunny. It reminded me of the time I looked after Sarah's rabbit for a week

Sarah was a student I worked with. Her granda who lives in Australia was in hospital awaiting heart-bypass surgery. Sarah really wanted to vist him but had no one to look after her bunny. I offered to look after it for her as it was no trouble to me and it meant a lot to her.

The first night I took it home and my dad was just as excited about it as I was. The novelty soon wore off. Apparently dwarf bunnies can make as good a pet as a dog. Aye, right. They make torturous pets for someone like me. It was only a week but it was a week of pure hell. I couldn't coop it up all day so it roamed free in my bedroom but it was so naughty. If it wasn't chewing at something it was digging holes in the carpet. And if it wasn't doing that it was shitting everywhere. It did a massive pee on my bed one night when Jamie was round and it looked so much like a cup of tea that Jamie was nearly physically ill.

As much as I hated the havoc it caused when it was out I couldn't coop it up for long and would only go out for an hour at a time. I'd say to my friends, "Yeah I gotta go home and see to the hell bunny" That rabbit caused me a lot of anxiety when it was with me. The more annoyed I got with it the more annoyed it got with me and by the time Sarah came back it was totally evil. It bit her when she picked it up.

I saw the bunny regularly after that and as it was ruining my house and shitting on my carpet it started seeming cute again. I made a lucky escape and have learnt a lesson. Some animals are cute and quite nice, like dogs. Some animals are cute and can be nice but can be bad too, like cats. Some animals can be just pure evil, like bunnies, or at least Sarah's bunny.

Hannah Vs The Butcher and O'Kanes

Oh the joys of a warm summer's day! They are countless. Everything looks nicer in the sunshine. There's only one thing I hate about a warm day and that's the smell of dead flesh. No, I'm not talking about killing people and letting them fester in the sun, I'm talking about the smell of The Butcher's. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going on an animal rights rant. I eat chicken so I wouldn't have a leg to stand on.

Ever since I was a little girl I've held my nose walking past the butcher. But it doesn't help. The smell seems to get past and burn my nostrils anyway. Depending on whether or not the winds blowing, the smell can travel down the street, meaning I end up holding my breath 'til I can hold it no more and then the first big deep breath I take is pure raw meat.

I know I am making it sound way more gruesome than it actually is but I had a bad experience with black pudding when I was younger. That taste will stay with me for the rest of my life and it ain't a sweet memory. One of my ex boyfriends worked in a butcher's for a bit and when he met me straight after work I could smell it on his clothes and hands. Thank God Jamie is a vegetarian.

It seems a bit cruel to share my feelings on butchers. Hope I don't put anyone off their pork chops. It's just that I have to walk past two butcher's to get to work every morning and when I walk back home again, even though they're closed, I can still faintly smell them. Surely there must be some way to extract the smell away? I can smell O'Kanes quite a bit on these warm days aswell. I won't go into that one but although I said I eat chicken, it might not be that long before I stop.

I'm Happy Just Because

One of my favourite song lyrics of all time has to be from Within You Without You by the Beatles.

When you've seen beyond yourself then you may find peace of mind is waiting there,
And the time will come when you see we're all one and life flows on within you and without you

It was written by George Harrison so that explains the hippy, 'one-love' vibe. I honestly believe that George Harrison was the real musical genius of the Beatles. A very underrate artist. Ok, so he did do some cheese but they all did. Even Lennon would have if he'd lived longer.

I love this lyric and this song because it reminds us how small we are in the grand scheme of things. I also love this lyric by Bright Eyes,

Oh my morning's coming back,
The whole world's waking up,
All the city buses swimming past,
I'm happy just because,
I found out I am really no-one

When I told my friend that I really liked it he said 'Why?'
I said that I thought it was cool to be happy because you are no-one and he said 'Why? Isn't it better to be someone?'

Is it?

Cute

Cute
Originally uploaded by hootchinhannah.

Me and Jamie fancied a wee spot of camping so we took ourselves up to Murlough Bay yesterday. We made friends with this guy who is obviously well used to being fed by tourists as he was one fat brute. I'd never seen a deer in the wild before let alone one as friendly as this fellow. He liked licking my hand and I'm sure if me and Jamie had any food he would have gladly kicked us in the teeth for it.

Harry Ze Angel

Harry Ze C**t
Originally uploaded by hootchinhannah.

Over at Nelly's, the latest news on Harry is that no matter how evil, wretched and nasty he may be he is to be treated like a prince. This means no more kickings in the hole, no more setting the dogs on him and no more Bert playing machine gun cat with him. Although I'm sure all this will continue behind Nelly's back.

He's not allowed to be called a c**t, f**ker, worm bag or by any other offensive term. He will only answer to Harry and Prince and Prince Harry. He is definitely less evil and wretched than he used to be but he's boring now. There's no lark with him. Takes himself a bit too seriously now that he's a prince.

X=X

My new favourite magazine is Focus. It answers all the sort of questions that I like to ask, such as, Can you cry underwater? Why do clouds float? All them sort of really important life questions that we all have. This month I accidentally skimmed over an article about the Riemann hypothesis. Please don't ask me what this is as I don't know. All I know is that it involves numbers and Maths, both of which I don't like.

The article gave a definition of a complex number. Now I know what a prime number is but a complex number is a little more, well a little more complex really. It is a hybrid number consisting of an ordianry number, (known as the 'real' part) and a second number that is a multiple of the square root of -1 (known as the 'imaginary' part). Maybe it's just my maths phobia but I think square rooting an all that is bad enough without claiming that one part of a number is imaginary. How's anyone supposed to get their head's round that?

It reminds me of a freind that told me about one of his lectures in maths. The lecturer stood up and wrote an extremely long, convoluted equation up on the board. Something like:

X=Y2 - MC4 * Y= Z3 / X4 + XY3

and this means that God doesn't actually exist.

All the students, including my friend, looked on in in silence, dumbfounded. Until one lad shouted out another, equally long equation and said,

'Ah, but that proves that God does actually exist'

Who am I to argue with mathematicians who can prove such things with numbers.

Damn Again!

Ok, so I'm very much on a baby theme these days, which may bore a lot of folk but not me, 'cos I'm broody (although really I think I might just be pining for a dog). My baby theme today is baby names. As I always seem to end up working around kids I can't help but notice the trends in baby names. While the celebs all seem intent on giving their kids unique and unusual names the evryday folk are settling for more common names like Jordan, Britney and Paris.

Flower names seem to be in for celebs and non-celebs alike. Must be everyone getting back in line with Mother Nature. Poppy and Daisy and Venus Fly Catcher are all very popular names these days.

As for boys, it's all back to the old-school names like Tom and Ben and Alexander. There may never be another John or David ever again. Ethan and Harry are popular boy's names at the minute but with very few Brad's, Kurt's or Keanu's. Shame. I think I've heard of a couple of Romeo's but I'm gonna pretend that I didn't because the sound of the name makes my ears bleed.

Well, I'm for calling my first born son Seamus after my granda and Jamie. My second born son will be called Jose after the fella that played at our wedding in the woods. My first born daughter will be called Sky Blue after Sky from Neighbours and my second born daughter will be called Medusa. And we'll have two 2 dogs called Rufus and Woody.

Damn!

Damn those little kiddies in the shop where I work every minute of every day of my life (or so it seems). Damn them for being so cute and smiley and happy and funny. Of course you get the howlers that would drive any mum to insanity but when they're cute you could just eat them. I do actually hate myself for saying things like that but in my defense, I honestly can't help it. I'm a woman with womanly hormones that tell me that babies are cute and I should have them as soon as possible.

At the same time I am not fooled by the cuteness of them. I know for a fact that they are hard work and a lot of responsibility. I know that you have to sacrifice precious sleep to tend to a baby who is hungry, or thirsty, or cold, or bored or who knows what? If only they could tell you. As if it's not hard enough feeding, washing and playing with your baby but you have to be able to read it's mind as well.

So having taken all this into consideration and despite their cunteness, I can wait for the babbies. Espescially the giving birth bit. I don't look forward to that atall, or the morning sickness. But I do look forward to the cravings for popcorn and chilli sauce at 4 in the morning and yelling at Jamie 'You have to go to the shop, it's your fault I'm like this'

I Thought As Much

Your Famous Last Words Will Be:

"Nice doggy."

What Will Your Famous Last Words Be?

So That's Why I'm Always Cold

You Are Iceman

You tried to live a normal life, but it just wasn't possible A bit of a slacker, you rather tell jokes than cultivate your powers Powers: turning self and others into ice, making ice weapons, becoming nearly invisible

Which of the X-Men Are You?

Ha Ha Ha! My Car Is Being Broke Into!

Jamie's Graduation

Top Left - Jamie's gets his scroll from the Main Man

Tp Right - Mr. G and Jamie. Apparently Mr. G does the same pose for every photograph unless you catch him unaware.

Bottom Left - Mr. David Bell and Jamie. David Bell was Head of the Cultural Studies department. David waited 7 years to see Jamie in his cap 'n' gown. You can tell from his expression that he thought it was well worth the wait.

Bottom Right - Twid (Jamie's mum), Morph (jamie's best mate), Jamie (The Graduate), Mr.G (Jamie's old piano teacher), Auntie Margaret (Jamie's Auntie who's not really his auntie).

Big Smiles

Big Smiles
Originally uploaded by hootchinhannah.

Rosie says "The big smiles are because our lovely Auntie Hannah is holding up a stick for us to catch. I like this photo. Paddy would be sooo handsome if it wasn't for that collar."

Paddy says "We like it when our Auntie Hannah and Uncle Jamie take us out for walks. Although I don't understand why it takes Jamie so long to get anywhere in the car. He's always turning around and going back the way he came."

Rosie says " My favourite place to go is Portglenone Forest. It's great chasing all the wee squirrels. Except Jamie and Hannah always take a rest by the pier and me and Paddy get a bit bored waiting for them. We tried sneaking off a few times but Uncle Jamie has eyes in the back of his head and he can be brave and cross-sounding when he wants to be"

Paddy sats " The next time Hannah and Jamie take us out I'm gonna ask them if we can go to the beach. I was looking at them photos of us and Scruff and Bert down at the beach on Nelly's flickr . D'ye mind that Rosie?"

Rosie says "I do. I'm gonna ask Hannah and Jamie if they'll take me up Slemish again. You'll hardly want to go Paddy with your silly back legs all wobbly an all. You'd never be able to climb Slemish"

Paddy says "I could too climb Slemish. Sure aren't I doing a sponsered climb Slemish thing for Scruff's Auntie who's going to do voluntary work in Africa? What are you doing Rosie?"

Rosie says "I'm doing a sponsered 48 hour scunge. No water. No dinner."

Gravy Dave

Gravy Dave
Originally uploaded by hootchinhannah.

The one and only Gravy Dave. Except he's not the one and only because he has also got a mate called Gravy Dave. Gravy Dave has spent so long in Stoke now that you can play 7 degrees of Gravy Dave. He knows everyone. And even the people he doesn't know, he sort of vaguely recognises. He's well known by the local police for getting so drunk he's forgotten how to get home and writing 'beefcake' on people's steamed up car windows.

Gravy Dave can drink for forty nights in a row and survive on less than 5 hours sleep each night. He's sort of like a Jesus. He'll be at every party and social gathering ever organised and he'll always be the last Gravy standing. He's coming to visit us in the late summer and we'll take him to Slemish and he'll ask,

'Is there a pub up there?'

'Yes Gravy Boy, there is.'

The Men Beasts

I'm not sure if my photos will have uploaded properly. Probably not knowing my problems with technology. I did a search on flickr to see if anyone else has a Man Beast. It seems there a quite a few. The pictures you should be looking at are a small selection of these Men Beasts. It seems that there is one rule, and one rule only, for being classed as a Man Beast and that is to wear white vests. That means Jamie is most definitely a real life Man Beast.

No Way Jose

If I wasn't so devoted to my beloved Jamie boy I'd invite Jose Gonzalez round for tea and buns and ask him to marry me. I would get Zoe or Nelly to bake the buns though so that he'd definitely say yes.

I love him. I love his music, his voice, his accent, his name. When Jo Whiley asked him what he did with all the balls people chucked at him on-stage he said 'I just throw them back at them and hit them in their face' So sweet.

Since I can't marry him, being devoted to Jamie and all that, I want him to play at our wedding in the woods. It's a shame he's so popular. It kind of puts me off him a little but I'm a bit stuck for people to play at my wedding. Georgie Harrison's dead, Brad Nowell from Sublime is dead, Courtney Love would be too high on drugs and stealing my limelight. I won't let Jamie's band Dragon play because it's his wedding night and he'll be dancing in the woods with me.

So Jose will have to do.

What to do?

I need some advice. I'm rotten with a head cold. Symptoms include: blocked nose, splitting head-ache, general feeling of lethargy and an intolerance to loud high pitched noises, like screaming babies. My line manager asked me if I wanted to go home today and I, like the fool that I am, said I was ok. Good thing that I did though as we were busy today and already two men down. It was hard on me though and I'm suffering for it now. My manager let me home 15 minutes early (she's a good woman that one) and told me if I was still feeling bad this evening to phone in later tonight to let them know if I wasn't coming in.

So do I phone them? A day off tommorrow would be so nice. But it's only been about 3 weeks since I was last off sick. And although I do feel poorly I am actually physically capable of working and feel like I'm just being a big wuss. What to do? I'm not used to taking days off work due to sickness. When I did student support I was self-employed so if I didn't work I didn't get paid (although this wasn't always strictly true but you know what them students are like). With it being term-time work and part time, money was always tight so if I was sick I'd do the hours anyway. Except for once when I was dying so badly from a hangover a student sent me home. He was very sweet about it and even offered me the bus fare so I didn't have to walk home.

I have 3 hours to decide whether or not I should go to work tomorrow. I feel a little better now but surely that's because I'm resting and if I wake up early tomorrow I'll probably feel worse. If I do I could still phone in but if I did it tonight I could have a proper lie-in. Or I could just go in tomorrow and keep my sick days for when I really need them because like the ever pessimistic, hypochondriac that I am, I'm sure to get really ill sometime in the near future.

Poor Jamie

Poor Jamie. He graduated on Monday and had a lovely day making his momma proud and posing about in his gown and hat and eating posh nosh only to go back to his car, which had been broken into. Poor Jamie. He has had serious bad luck with this car. Gear boxes and doors and things that I can't remember the names of. Just one thing after the other.

I wonder if it's because he's so superstitous. He always mumbles something when he sees a magpie. I, on the other hand, am completely unsuperstitious. Can't be bothered with them. Too many to remember. Don't step on a crack, don't split posts. I swear it gets to the point where people are just making these things up and people won't eat pasta on every 3rd Thursday of every month because it's bad luck.

I think it's all back to front. The things that are meant to bring you bad luck bring you good luck, and vice versa. On my way to work this morning I walked under a ladder. I was sent home half an hour early. Maybe jamie needs to break some mirrors or something to have some good luck with his car for a change.

Poor Jamie

Poor Jamie. He graduated on Monday and had a lovely day making his momma proud and posing about in his gown and hat and eating posh nosh only to go back to his car, which had been broken into. Poor Jamie. He has had serious bad luck with this car. Gear boxes and doors and things that I can't remember the names of. Just one thing after the other.

I wonder if it's because he's so superstitous. He always mumbles something when he sees a magpie. I, on the other hand, am completely unsuperstitious. Can't be bothered with them. Too many to remember. Don't step on a crack, don't split posts. I swear it gets to the point where people are just making these things up and people won't eat pasta on every 3rd Thursday of every month because it's bad luck.

I think it's all back to front. The things that are meant to bring you bad luck bring you good luck, and vice versa. On my way to work this morning I walked under a ladder. I was sent home half an hour early. Maybe jamie needs to break some mirrors or something to have some good luck with his car for a change.

I have must have this look on my face that says 'anyone working for a charitable organisation please approach me and I will give you all my money' I never do though. I always have some excuse about being a student, or having a crap job and then I quickly divert attention by asking them how I could get a job working for their organisation. Today it was the Amnesty International. Don't they know I don't care about people I only care about the animals and the treeeeees.

Anyway, it got me thinking about charity and all that. Obviously I do care about people and would like to do my bit to help. But I have a phobia about setting up Direct Debits and giving my bank details to some organisation so they can take money out of my account every month and this includes charities. I have always popped spare change into charity boxes and I rarely accept a sticker (see, that is charity). But at the end of the day you can give all the money you have in the world to charity and still not feel like you're really helping. It's like it's too easy to put your hand in your pocket or something.

So that means volunteering. Me and Jamie were gonna volunteer for an animal sanctuary but we were put off by the main woman who was an ice maiden. Does that make us bad, uncaring people? She was really horrible. But surely if we really cared about the wee animals we would have looked past that? Well, we didn't. We'll just find another sanctuary to work for.

Words of Advice

I've just been over at Nelly's Garden and Ma Nelly (my granny) has been guest blocking. Bosoms being her chosen subject, and how best to dress them. I have to say though, her advice is a little out-dated. These days woman are less likely to want to attract mummy-loving, welly-boot wearing farmer boys who read Ireland's Own and more likely to want to attract the wrong sort of man. This would be a more modern day approach to bosoms.

The first rule is to show as much cleavage as possible. This means wearing low cut top, shirts with all top 6 buttons undone, two belts or just a bra. If you aren't well-endowed and haven't got much of a cleavage there are ways to cheat. Wonderbras, push up bras, balcony bras, magic bras or chicken fillets will all give you the appearance of having more of a bust. However, think about how disappointed your man will be when he undresses you. Really the only thing to do is get a breast enlargement.

The second rule is to always be alert. This means that if your you-know-whats aren't standing to attention you should immediately place yourself in a cool area, such as a walk-in freezer. This is harder during the warmer seasons so you'll have to rely mainly on your cleavage or alternatively, you could flash them. Golden rules: You should always draw attention to your bosoms. You should always stick out your chest when talking to men. You should always show a bit of cleavage and a bit of leg. Remember, your bosoms are your weapon, attack and conquer with them. No man, especially the wrong type of man, can resist the womanly charms of your heaving bust.